Ask a Question – Quick Answers

I receive a lot of questions that have pretty quick answers and I have not known what to do with them. Well DUH, I finally realized I can just put several into a single post–actually a recurring non-series since so many questions have quick answers.

  1. Greener Grass Mystery SolvedSince my husband had a good life and marriage, won’t he miss it? Can the affair partner give him more than me—Is it true about greener grass? 

Does an alienator have more to offer—is this a case of greener grass? No and happiness in affairs is a façade. It’s not about what she can give him; this is not a competition. Yes, missing the good life and marriage is common, but missing what was is not as strong as the midlife crisis and in addition, in the beginning the affair is running on in-fatuation hormones which make the MLCer think they are in-love and this relationship is the solution to all their problems. It may be difficult to imagine what those problems are if your life together had been so wonderful, but we all have demons and in MLC they surface. Many MLCers have family of origin issues and are unprocessed childhood trauma that surfaces in MLC.

Some of the hormones associated with depression and dealing with trauma block positive memories, enabling historical revision. So they would miss the good life if they were able to recall it accurately, but MLC clouds their mind.

2.      Why is my husband getting to be happy and I have to hurt like hell?

Tarot-foolThis is another greener grass misconception. What makes you think he gets to be happy?

Okay, probably because he says he is happy and he may seem to be high on happiness. That high is hormonal and it covers up his guilt and shame. Sure MLCers have periods of elation—who wouldn’t when they may be getting the freedom they’ve been dreaming about along with who they think is the man or woman of their dreams? But the grass is not greener in the alienator’s yard. I recommend that you read about the Affair Down.

You would not want the MLCer’s lot in life. I know that you are in pain, but so are MLCers. They are in pain and filled with shame and confusion. They don’t know who they are and who they want to be. They want approval—to be loved. Male MLCers want to be someone’s knight in shining armor so they can feel worthy, brave, masculine, lovable… So they fall for an alienator who is a victim in search of a rescuer. Such a person often places responsibility for their happiness on others—in this situation they place it on their rescuer. Female MLCers often take on the role of the damsel needing rescue, so it is not uncommon for two MLCers to find each other and become each other’s alienator.

An MLCer has an alienator who tells him that he is responsible for everything—good or bad—in her life. Along with that they have the terrible guilt that accompanies abandoning one’s family. If they don’t seem to be displaying guilt of bad feelings regarding their behavior, that is likely because they are burying it—Escape and Avoid is how they run from the guilt.

3.      Do they lie all the time? Why lie about something so big that he could fall even harder and faster if found out?

Lie IndicatorsYes. As for why…beats me—maybe they want you to believe in the greener grass fiction! Seriously, they lie even when they know that everyone can tell they are lying—at least I assume they know, since it is blatantly obvious.

Example
I once recorded and then transcribed one of Chuck’s visits home—I don’t recommend doing that, it was pretty obsessive, but I did get a lot of insight about MLC. In one sentence Chuck denied that he was having an affair and in the next breath he said that if we were together again (implying sexually) he would need to be tested (for sexually transmitted diseases). Um, that certainly sounds to me as though he was sexually active with someone other than me and in addition, he implied that he was not using condoms.

MLCers don’t want to fall; that is why they are in crisis. In that context, their lies are a defense mechanism against falling.

  1. How can one affect reconciliation without contact?

no-contactOne cannot. No Contact is a boundary that is not meant to be permanent if you are Standing. How can you reconcile while having No Contact? No Contact is a tool to use as necessary, not forever.

In addition to the article introducing No Contact, I have two newer blog posts to help explain it.

  1. What is really happening in the MLCer’s mind? Don’t they have any regret or feeling of loss at all? What is it really like for them in general?

puzzle_brainYes, they have regrets. Some have regrets instantly and it haunts their every breath while they are going through their MLC, whereas others are more skilled at burying their regrets and deceiving themselves.

Life varies depending on the nature of their personal crisis and the dynamics of the relationship with the alienator. With an affair down the relationship is often volatile with arguments often being about the spouse. Affair Dow alienators are notoriously jealous of the spouse.

For insight from a former MLCer read these posts
A view into MLC from a MLCer
A view into MLC from a MLCer Part II

 


Comments

Greener Grass and More Questions8 Comments

  1. Hi it’s been a while. Thanku for New posts, however I cannot access a view from a Mlc. I would love to hear what the Mlc has to say. Kenda it’s almost six years, still living with alienator. The children’s photos are now on his whatsap profiles, he is spending lots of time in local pub with others, but he will always try and justify that alienator will be joining him later. One of the females in pub where he spend his time, was not aware that it was our daughter who kissed and hugged her dad, and she came between them and pushed her out the way. My Mlc then reprimanded this female for treating his daughter in such a manner. He later phoned our Daughter and apologised once again. He said she must not think that he has an affair with her, the alienator usually joins him later for drinks then they go home. Kenda you and your family must have a great 2015. I am going to have an even bettEr year. 2014 was good, I am blessed and can only be better from here on. God bless thankyou for your help. Your site and heartblessing has been of great help. Thankyou

    • So you got the link to work then? I read your comment before heading to bed and checked the link and it worked, but had to then rush up because a baby started crying so I was coming back to check again and give some more information about the thread so you can find it in other ways if you can't get it to work.

  2. M 13, T 15

    3 young kids (D10, D8 & S5)

    S 3/2/15

    I thought my H MLC started recently with him leaving but I did a lot of reading over the weekend & I see that MLC often involves over indulging in alcohol so now I’m wondering if husband’s MLC started 3-5 years ago!

    5 years ago (altho he only 33) we lost his grandfather (H extremely close, he was over our house like everyday) in a fatal car accident & 2 weeks later his sister lost her baby (stillborn)! Drinking increased but I didn’t notice any unusual behavior & figured drinking was drowning his sorrows (which can be normal).

    About 3yrs ago we discovered that our youngest & only son has a genetic disorder. A lil back ground about my H…he’s a incredible athlete..,probably could’ve been in MLB if he would’ve cared more about his grades. Huge into sports! Unbelievable knowledge of most sports! Now I can tell you when you find out something is wrong with your child it is extremely hard to process & accept (like discovering you’re married to an MLCer!) its a grieving process & it’s almost like suffering a loss. To this day altho H said that he had accepted it, he recently told me that he still doesn’t think he’s ok with it.

    Now 3yrs ago drinking escalated heavily, in fact it was really weighing on our marriage! I also just recently discovered that my H has been having some kind of relation with an OW for 3yrs!

    Now he didn’t leave until 2 months ago when he recently connected with a former classmate (at least the 2nd OW that I’m aware of…who knows). This time I really felt him pulling away & confronted him about seeming to have 1 foot out the door. He said he wasn’t happy & I said well if you’re that unhappy why don’t you just leave (& he did!) Altho I know this is NOT my fault I gave him the opportunity to leave!

    So did MLC begin 3-5 years ago (wishing & hoping) & we are in a Replay or did it begin with him leaving (hoping NOT cause this is unbearable)?

    • The MLC Time-Clock begins at Bomb Drop even if the signs of MLC began a few years ago. Those early signs are like a train station waiting area where the person is preparing. People may not even get on the MLC train from there–since some situations are borderline and can be tipped into MLC by events.
      Your situation sounds like it is being tipped into MLC–maybe he would have had an MLC later in life, but the multiple events sent him spiraling. It may not even be MLC since his behaviours (drinking and even cheating) are normal for someone who is having trouble coping with traumatic events.
      But maybe, since his coping mechanisms are still faling to resolve his inner turmoil, the situation is finally tipping into an MLC. It's not as important if the pre-Bomb Drop portion began 6 months or 5 years ago. He has finally taken more action now with the Bomb Drop and that is when things change–you finally really get that something serious is happening not only to him, but also to your marriage and family.

      • I’m not even sure if it’s MLC now. I was quiet certain it was but his behavior has completely changed this last week like my real husband is back. He’s focused again, working hard looking for a job, hasn’t been talking about his childhood, has been more kind. This week I flipped the switch & initiated No Contact (well minimal contact cause we have kids & a home…even tho he’s not here). I don’t call, text or email unless I’m responding to a question he has about our kids or the business. When we are together I make very little eye contact & keep my focus on the kids not him. Since I started doing that he has been calling & texting more & now he hugs me goodbye. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. For now I’ll continue minimal contact until he says he wants to reconcile & we’ll take it from there.

        As I woke up this morning I was over come with sadness cause he’s not here. He usually gets up with the kids & picks up or makes breakfast on Mothers Day.

        Well Happy Mothers Day to all of you!

        • Given that your husband is outside of the age range and his symptoms began well before Bomb Drop, I cannot say if it MLC, or almost tipping and could tip to normal again…
          BUT
          Changing your behaviour to more detached and distant is likely to produce the results you are seeing. Have you read the Pursuit & Distance articles? Here is the first of the Contact & Communication series: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stan

          You are Going Dark, as No Contact is about absolutely No Contact accept on rare occasions and with children such occasions are not rare. If you are more detached, you are likely calmer, stronger and more firm regarding boundaries with him. This will make him curious–especially since these qualities are attractive.

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