I value loyalty and trust, more than anything. Reconciling with my MLCer would mean I would have to change my values. That would be disrespecting my Self and I’m not going to do that. I don’t want to set a bad example for my kids and taking back someone who betrayed my trust would teach them that his behavior was okay.
The double bind is that the other lesson kids may learn isn’t positive either. And what about the lesson of forgiveness, repair and healing that may come from Standing and reconciliation? I also value loyalty and trust, but I don’t value them above or at the expense of the Unconditionals. Part of loyalty, to me, is being able to forgive and be open to reconciliation—at least for a while. The misunderstanding from the Left Behind Spouse in that example is that forgiveness—or perhaps forgiveness in conjunction with reconciliation—means or even implies that no wrong was done! Children aren’t perfect; they will disobey and they need to learn that regardless of their behavior you will actively love them by not only forgiving them, but by continuing to have a relationship with them. If you show the opposite toward their other parent, you’re undermining their assurance in your steadfast love for them as well. It’s appropriate and often healthy to say that you’ll forgive someone who hurt you and yet you will no longer have a relationship with them, but that isn’t appropriate if the person needing forgiveness is 5 years old!
Trust & Loyalty
To be loyal is to be worthy of trust—that is not the same as being synonymous with the word trust; it means that loyalty is a necessary attribute of a recipient of trust. Loyalty is faithfulness or commitment to a person, cause, custom, idea or action. It is similar to devotion which is loyalty with emotional intensity and investment. It is also related to fidelity, which is the quality of being faithful. Faithfulness, an important aspect of loyalty, is a firm adherence to promises or an observance of duty.
So loyalty as a quality in a mate refers to their adherence to both the promises made as part of being married—wedding vows—as well as the responsibilities that go along with being a life partner—emotional, financial, mental, physical, medical…support.
Trust is about honesty. Loyalty is about fidelity and honoring your word. Infidelity can create a double bind; which of those do you choose? If you choose to Stand, you may feel you are lowering the value of trust in order to maintain loyalty—honor your vows—and if you choose not to Stand you are lowering the value of loyalty to maintain your value of trust. Standing—and life in general—is about balance; I didn’t say this would be easy.