Do you ever feel this way, or like saying this to newbies?
You will go through months of trying to win him back, and he will get nastier and nastier. You will finally give up and file for divorce at which point he will either feel relieved that he can make a new life with the alienator or he will finally be scared of losing you. So either at that time or a few months to a few years later when his new relationship crumbles and his life is in shambles, he will come groveling to you for another chance. If you are smart you will realize that no matter the history, he isn’t committed and your better off finding someone that wants you.
Though the speaker is genuine, this is spoken with an attitude of bitterness. It is especially judgmental that the speaker places an intelligence barometer on an abandoned spouse’s later actions; to be deemed smart you must realize that your spouse who cheated will never be committed and that you are better off. Intelligence has nothing to do with it; no one can tell you with true certainty whether your specific MLCer will be committed to you in the future. MLCers return and couples rebuild beautiful marriages together, but as you so well know, there are no guarantees. Determine what you want rather than allowing someone else’s bitterness to infect you. This attitude of bitterness is often the end of a Stand in which the Stander did not come to a place of acceptance but lived in denial, fighting the crisis until turning bitter. Being discarded and divorce-happy stems from a lack or avoidance of giving and feeling the Unconditionals: Grace, Agapé and Forgiveness.
So are you becoming bitter or better? Are you the person who tells a newly abandoned spouse that there is no chance for reconciliation? Two or more years after Bomb Drop, are you bitter or better? That is not a question about your relationship, your family or your MLCer; it is a personal question about you and no one else. Are you surviving or a survivor–existing or thriving? Many of you may be surprised, you think you are better and yet others see you as bitter or stuck in victim mode. Your life may be better than in the direct aftermath of bomb drop, maybe you’ve changed jobs or finished your education; you’ve made new friends and tried new things; you’ve even dated.
But look at yourself in the community of Left Behind Spouses–Standing or not. How does your attitude compare? Are you angry at your MLCer–current or former spouse? Are you constantly complaining about his behavior toward you, the kids…general behavior? Are you lamenting over what you have lost, what he stole, what you can not have anymore? Do your posts to forums look like they did when you first came to the boards a few years ago? No? Ask someone else what they think.
How much time do you spend complaining about your MLCer or in negative thoughts regarding your MLCer? Do you share those feelings publicly?
Oh I get it, you are entitled to be angry because of all the wrongs done to you. Then consider that your actions and reactions are influencing your MLCer’s actions; he is reacting to you. Change your actions and he may change his–change starts with yourself. If today you sound like you did in the beginning, complaining about your pain, your children’s pain, the damage, the betrayal, your MLCer’s misbehaviors and spewing…you are focusing on the crisis and how someone else–your MLCer–is the cause. If you have not moved beyond these gripes you are enabling the continuation of the pain and thus allowing the damage to increase, which means you also bear responsibility.