So you are new to the forum and you want to post your story, but it’s so long and there are so many details that are important. Will anyone want to read through your novel?
No. But not because it’s long. They will wander after a few sentences because your story is practically identical to their story and most of the other people reading the board. People want to read your story, but they don’t need the moment by moment details of the last 2-5 years of your life. They need to know about you as a person. How you feel, where you are stuck, how you have started to heal or why you haven’t. They need to know what is different and a few specific elements that can help us know what type of MLCer you have.

Below I give a list of what is important. Though some of these are technically yes/no questions, it is most helpful if you answer with a brief explanation rather than a yes/no which stops the flow of information.

What is important?

Facts are more important than details because the facts (dates, ages, family structure…) may differ more than the details)

  • Numbers & Dates
    • When was Bomb Drop or how long ago?
    • How long have you been married (or living in a marital relationship)
    • When did your MLCer move out—or are they still at home?
      If they are at home, are they planning to move out soon—not just threatening, but it seems clear to you they are about to leave.
    • Your ages, the ages of your children
  • Bomb Drop
    How? Did you discover the affair and did the discovery force Bomb Drop? Or did your MLCer initiate. How, when, where…?
  • Is there an alienator?
    • What is their age difference?
    • Are they your opposite? You don’t have to go into the specific details—we know them. Just review Affair Down and let us know if it seems like an Affair Down situation and highlight just a few of the details that led you to this conclusion.
      Did the physical affair start before Bomb Drop, or was the alienator waiting in the wings?
    • Are they married, divorced, separated, single…? Kids?
    • How long has the affair been going on?
  • Triggers
    What events preceded Bomb Drop (usually 12-36 before) that may have triggered Bomb Drop?
  • MLCer Complaints
    What complaints—valid or projection—di your MLCer make about you, your marriage, the situation…?
  • Living Arrangements
  • Contact Style
    • Has your MLCer moved in and out (or tried to) a few times?
      How many times have the moved in and out and how long between each?
    • Did they drop off the face of the earth?
      How often do you hear from them and how do they contact you?
      Or is all contact initiated by you and how often?
  • Why do you think this might be MLC?
    Review some basic MLC behaviors you have noticed.
    • Vanity: weight loss, new clothes
    • New friends, new hobbies/interests
    • Depression
    • Cycling moods, confusion
    • Irritability, Anger, Monstering
  • Legal Action
    Many MLCers threaten and do nothing. Let us know if there have been threats or not and whether any legal action has been taken.
  • History of addictions or medical/mental disorders?
  • Counseling
    • Are you seeing or have you seen a counselor since Bomb Drop?
    • Did you and your MLCer see a counselor together and when?
  • Tell Us About You
    • How are you dealing with this?
    • Have you started to work on detaching?
      If yes, explain how and what you have done.
    • What brought you to this forum—over other similar forums?
    • Are you Standing, uncertain, you don’t know what that is…?
    • What have you done that has not worked?
    • What have you done that has worked?
    • What changes have you made?
    • What are your goals?
  • Any insights you want to tell us about?
    Has he revealed (knowingly or not) anything significant about his mental state, feelings, fears, motives…?

How long is too long?

Most people’s first post is long and they apologize of it being so long. Since you have not posted before, you need to give more information than you will do when you update, we understand. Hopefully, the list above will help you to keep your post from becoming a novel because you will give the basics rather than details—details will come through later in your updates.

So how long? If your post is 5 single-spaced pages in MS Word (1625 – 2000 words), that’s long. Can you cut to down to 2 pages (650 – 800 words)? I know that sounds like a big edit, but the first post just needs to be the basics so that we get the gist of your situation. Fill in the details as they happen and as part of your responses to people when they post back to you and ask questions.

The most important details are those from the last few months. If this has been going on for 3 years already, I’m sure you have a soap opera of shocking details, but focus on what is going on now in your situation. The history is important only as history—we need just a bit to understand the foundation of the situation, but our focus in helping you needs to be with the present. So if you want to give a blow-by-blow account of something that is important to you, think about whether it is important to you and your story at this time. Your thread is your place to record your story, and from now on you can put those blow-by-blows as they happen and we can get a sense of your situation as it is playing out, so there is no need to stuff your first post with every dramatic exchange from 2 years ago.

Structure

It is difficult to read a post where the information is dumped onto the page without paragraph breaks (carriage returns). Some people will stop reading when they see a huge block of text. So please structure your post into paragraphs.


Comments

How to Tell Your Story12 Comments

  1. "Some people will stop reading when they see a huge block of text. So please structure your post into paragraphs."

    YUP – that sounds like me, I HATE big blocks of text!

    • Well yeah!!! OldPilot is a guy!
      Just head on over to the forum, register if you haven't already and post your story.
      We have mentors for the men too.

  2. Hi there…I am Nancy from NY. I am 40 and my husband Harry is 42. We have been married since 2008 and dated for 2 years before that. We have no children and he is/was not having an affair. He moved out on January 15. We had had a fight in early December and I said I wanted to not "fix it" and then recanted a few days later. We did not work on our relationship in the right way. He made plans that I was unaware of after Christmas to move out. I came home from work one day and he told me that that was going to be his last night at home. He moved out the next day and has not returned. So, the separation was my bomb drop. What precipitated it was a lot of lack of communication and resentment. My husband is a recovering alcoholic/addict (18 months sober now) and I harbored a lot of resentment for incidents under the bridge. I never felt he really apologized to me (he did but I didn't communicate what else he could do to make it up to me…I did not know then). I didn't attend Al-anon and continued to bask in anger for his past sins.
    I pushed Harry away intimately and did not initiate sex ever. This had a lasting effect on him. He has a larger sex drive than me and I also didn't feel sexy etc. I felt he never liked the work that I did and really did not respect me. He put down my family at times and made me feel bad about myself (why do I want him back?)
    He has been living with his cousin in a neighboring town and at his grandmother's. We don't have a specific contact style and never discussed how often we would be in contact. We've gone from no contact to days where there are phone calls and texts. He does most of the contacting and asks when we can start the divorce mediation. I am wholeheartedly against divorce and want to save our marriage. He does not. I don't want to do the legwork for the breaking apart of our marriage that I do not support at all.
    He started to exhibit signs of losing weight (but we had both done that), some depression and anger/irritable (which he has just said because he was unhappy in the marriage), and mood swings. I think it is a MLC because at first he was gung ho on saving the marriage (and I was floundering and still angry and not able to let go) and then almost overnight he changed his mind and moved out. He had recently taken on a second job that had him travelling on the weekends too. This is his "new life" that doesn't include me or our dog. He is thinking of quitting his primary job also (another MLC).
    I know he called a lawyer to find out what he should do to separate bills etc but I refuse to do anything more. i want to go to marriage counseling. He agreed to one session where his sole goal was to inform me that he wants a divorce, doesn't want counseling, and doesn't want to work anything out. And doesn't love me. The therapist was kind of on his side and was making sure that I "understood" my husband's wishes. I see a therapist on my own.
    I am not coping well and have recently started taking mild anti-depressants because I can't deal with this at all. I am a private chef and workout enthusiast and I can't bring myself to cook or work out. I function but not well. I live in the house we shared together and have moved all his stuff to a room I do not use. I am in the grieving stage and feel like I am in a black hole. I am trying to detach but it is really hard for me. I fantasize about him coming back, changing his mind, have seen a psychic or two for guidance.
    I am STANDING and nothing has worked. I've asked for counseling, had talks, written him letter. He refuses to work on anything. I found this blog because I think he is a combo addict/narcissist/MLC sufferer.
    My husband is super stubborn and I am looking for support and insight from everyone!

  3. My name is Gerard Charles
    I am 55 years old and my wife 50 she started her midlife crisis in 2009 after the death of her mother and she left home two months ago ,and she is leaving alone she had an affair in August 2009 and broke up with the person in August 2012 last november she told
    me she wants to divorce and we started filing one month ago i am very sad because we are married 30 years in May this year i have three children already left home i informed them about the affair and they are angry against my
    vife ,i had 25 wonderful years with my wife and the last three years was hell i am now looking for support i stop all contact with my wife now no telephone no mail no phone call. I want to get my wife back
    Gerard

    • Go to the forum–awesome army of support there!
      And check out the posts by DontGiveUp–among others. He sometimes posts about a friend whose wife left, married the alienator, left the alienator and is reconnecting with her 'real' husband again.
      And if you register–use a display name that is not a real type of name–even if it's not your real name.
      Seriously, the forum is amazing.

  4. bd 3/7/2012
    Bd 2 -14/08/2012
    M 34
    H41
    Together 19 years

    Perfect life , husband had a vesectomy feb 12 and seem to go down hill from there. Told me he needed space. Moved out. Cam back 2 weeks later. Started seeing a councillor on his own. Found out aug 2012 he kissed someone at the park " thought our marriage was over" . Moved out on his 40th birthday (aug 2012) mean and nasty over the phone for 2 weeks. Came on our family holiday and was a nightmare (even my 15 year old daughter said he was unreasonable) picking fights. Came home from hol moved straight back to his dads. We went to counselling through sep and oct and he decided to come home on 5/11/2012. Picked fights all the time moved out 10/12/12 . Said he was sending xmas day with a friend… Spent our first xmas alone!! Started seeing us 1 a week through jan n feb. he told me he had taken the same women for a meal last year he said he told me this so we could move forward with marriage. Gave him an ultimatum in march 13 h,e or divorce he choose home . He said he was working away , and created an argument and moved out. I have asked for divorce etc he kept saying he was not straight on his mind. Long story short he spent xmas with a women and a 2 week holiday with her and (kids ) he denied this right until the end and made out i was paranoid. He had lied to the ow she thought he was divorced and the times he moved home looking after his daughter! From what i know he only stayed a couple of times a week there but who knows!! £6000 on his credit card and £1050 overdrawn. I pay alll bill and he gives me nearly all wage. Right now he wont even speak to me and be civil, all this hes done and he wont talk to me !!!!

  5. BD 19/11/14
    M 37
    H 39
    Married 19 years
    Children D 19, D 16, D 13, S 11

    For a long time I blamed myself for this situation I find myself in. My husband is incredibly successful but worldly standards and I was always in awe of him. So when he kept attacking my with blame and judgement, I took it personally and thought it was all my fault. This behaviour is totally NOT the behaviour of the gentle man I had married. March 2012, He was diagnosed with a serious heart condition. I believe that this was the trigger for his MLC. Learning about MLC has given me some perspective and I can see obvious examples of behaviour that represent a person going through MLC now.

    Last week was the first week apart from my family. At my husband's request, we have officially separated although he kept living under the same roof. Over the past year I have gone through the never-ending emotional rollercoaster of shock, denial, anger, pleading, hope, blame and absolute brokenness. Living under the same roof was agonising, feeling like nothing I ever did was good enough. Finally I told him that he had to leave. He came back to me with the idea that the kids stay in the home and we get a unit that we take weekly turns about in. I hate this, feeling like he has now taken my home, my identity as a stay-at-home Mum, and my marriage and all the dreams for the future together I had. I do however feel that this is best for the kids and for this year, I am willing to give it a try. I haven't see my husband for 10 days now. In some ways, it is liberating, however I do desperately miss the man I was married to. I now face being striped of everything I have known and starting again. I am excited to discover this person just a bit lost as to how to go about finding her! I will continue to be a Stander and hold strong to the hope I have in my Lord, who is so BIG – bigger that any MLC!

  6. My wife and I have been married for almost 21 years. She just turned 46 and I just turned 49. We have three boys aged 13, 16 and 17. I really had no clue about my wife's MLC, but it seems to be a textbook case. She did get angry with me several months ago because I was tired and wanted to leave a charity function. She complained that we are getting older and our lives are passing by without us having any fun. That was the only sign. We were very happy as far as I knew and had an active sex life. On June 15, she asked me to sit down and she said she wanted a divorce. No effort to solve any problems at all. Just a divorce. She said that I "bully" her, which is simply not true. She has made many different comments and explanations over the weeks since bomb drop. When she told me, she had already told the children and hired a lawyer.

    She moved out of the bedroom that night, and she has tried to find reasons to be out of the house since, like house sitting for friends on vacations or visiting friends out of town. She says there is no affair and no emotional attachment, and at this point, I believe her. She has said that she wants to date other people right away, and she has said that she doesn't love me any more. Before, we were a very loving couple and almost never argued about anything. We had a great marriage as far as I knew. I was completely shocked.

    I asked her to go to marriage counseling, and she has agreed to go. We go weekly when we can schedule it around her trips. She pretty much won't talk about our relationship outside of counseling. She is very angry with me, but her reasons seem to change. She repeatedly says that she doesn't intend to reconcile, but she always leaves open that it is a possibility. We are able to talk and get along well when dealing with the kids or other life issues.

    She refused to move out until we have a separation agreement in place on the advice of her lawyer. The lawyers agreed on language last Friday, though the agreement has not been signed. She moved out Saturday, I gather. She really didn't tell me or the kids until one of the kids asked by text on Saturday. She had the kids move furniture for her today while I was away from the house. Her plan is to move into a space above a friend's garage for the time being. There is only a half bath there, so she plans to spend every afternoon and evening in our house with the kids, shower and the go to the apartment for the night after the kids are settled. She has a friend with a rental house that comes available in December and plans to rent that then.

    I am trying my best to give her space and detach. She is around the house a lot, though. I try to stay away from the house while she is here or in a separate room.

    I am just heartbroken and confused. Last Friday night, we had a rare talk. This one was different. Instead of anger and blaming me, she expressed that she had fear that she would want to come back to me but that I may not want her back then. She said that she considers that risk every day, but she has to take that risk now. She says she is compelled to do this. After that, I researched MLC and found this site. I realized her symptoms were classic. I did the wrong thing and texted her that she should google female mid-life crisis. In counseling the next week, she was very angry, but she did agree that it appears she is in MLC. Since that day, she has been friendlier (but she has moved out).

    I am hopeful that she will get through this in a time period where I can stand it. It is very painful, and I am trying to detach. She can be very angry and mean towards me, though that seems to have reduced. I have committed to being able to say that I did everything I could to save the marriage, and I have also committed to behaving with honor in every way that I can to set a good example for my boys.

  7. Hi married for 16 years,together25 ,two children son 23 ,daughter18 ,
    He hasn’t actually ever admitted having an affair but he changed June 2014,I confronted him when I saw his phone bill, he texted for 3weeks , he won’t tell me who she was, I kicked him out the week before as I asked him what was wrong as I felt he shut down from me, he said we wernt happy that’s all I got ,,
    When he got found out he just smiled and said it was over , you will never forgive me ,you deserve better, by September he claimed he met ow , by October he moved in with her,
    He’s a vanissher , would face me , but wants everything to do with the kids,,he’s full of guilt still works but stays away from our friends and peoples we know , doesn’t tell people what’s happened,
    Doesn’t think he’s committed adultery says he left cause we weren’t happy,

  8. Hello! I have been married for almost four years (4/20/12). My husband and I have no children together. I have a son who is 8, and my step son is now 17. My husband began his midlife crisis a year after we married. He left our home on 11/20/15, and several prior times before. We have now been apart for almost 10 months, and I find myself on a emotional roller coaster at times. For the most part, I have been strong managing my life with out him. Other times, I regret my decisions. My husband tried to return home back in Feb 2015. I placed conditions. One was that he gets treatment for his bipolar disorder. There was extreme verbal abuse on his part (mostly). However, he begged and pleaded to come home for three months, and I denied all request. No, he has totally separated himself from me with very minimal contact. My husband is very predictable, and I know his next move. He was living with his mom, until he started truck driving school in June 2015. Now he has become engulfed in a make believe fantasy of striking it rich as a truck driver. We suffered financially, because he has not been able to keep a job longer than three months. He is now full of pride, and I know there is a pending fall (like always). He cycles between depression and replaying. I have detached myself from him emotionally, and his chaos doesn't bother me as much. I am able to deal with him from a distance, and I'm glad about that. I have bad days when I hurt, and yearn for him. During these times, I become more vulnerable and look for positive signs in his actions (only to be rejected or later disappointed). I want continue my stand for my marriage with much more stability. I tend to get swayed by information overload from books, website and personal feelings. My husband was seeking a divorce at one point, but no longer ask. He is aware of my stand, and resents it. I am not aware of an OW, but not saying it's not possible. He is addicted online dating and porn. He has also made attempts to reconnect, but not reconcile lately. I am walking a tightrope while blindfolded. I juggle the daily struggles of life w/o my husband every moment. I now have a very close deep relationship with Christ like never before. The Lord has been my strength, and I want to continue to grow during my stand. I would love to hear from a mentor! Thanks!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge