Overheard: To [pick a goal] you need to not…. Ex. To detach you need to not focus on your MLCer.
How do you do that? How do you stop focusing on your life partner, the person to whom you pledged your life?

How do I stop…
Help, I can’t stop…

  • picturing them together?
  •  crying?
  • thinking about him all the time?
  • panicking?
  • being afraid?

The concept of the advice is accurate, but the phrasing introduces a challenge. Try this: Starting now and for the rest of this paragraph, don’t think of the color blue. Is it working? Have you been able to not think of the color blue? I can answer that for you. I’ve mentioned blue twice—now three times—since directing you to not think about it and in doing this I forced you to think about blue—again. Instead of focusing on negation—what you don’t want to do—focus on the positive—what you do want to do. If your goal is to avoid something—such as to stop thinking of or focusing on your MLCer—state your goal without referencing the thing you are going to avoid.
What is the goal? Define the goal in terms of what you are going to do. But instead of phrasing it in the future, phrase it as though you are presently doing it.

I am focusing on me.
What does that mean? What activities are self-focused? What are you doing (will you do) that is for your pleasure? Calibrate your sensory detection: how will you know when you are focusing on you? What will you be doing that will tell you that you are focusing on your Self? What will you feel? Will other’s notice? What changes will you notice in your life?
Make a list of things you will do that are for your personal enjoyment. List things that are with friends, family your children or solitary activities, but be selfish.


Hypnosis is a state of relaxation or altered consciousness which enables bypassing of the conscious mind and thus allows for suggestions to be directed to the subconscious. It is a state of heightened awareness, allowing for distinct focus on specific goals.

Look back at an important phrase from that definition: bypassing the conscious mind. That is also possible when you are not in a relaxed state. Subtle words and phrases may slip your notice when you are not alert to red flags. Think of sales tactics; they often use hypnotic language that is meant to bypass your internal detectors. Telling someone to not think of the color blue when you want them to think of the color blue is such an example.

Brain Activity
There are four main states of active brain frequencies.

  1. Beta (13-30 Hz)
    Waking state, alert and attentive, often associated with left-brained activity
  2. Alpha (7-13 Hz)
    Waking relaxed state, daydreaming, light hypnosis, often associated with right-brained activity
  3. Theta (3-7 Hz)
    Light Sleep (Stage 1), deep relaxation, dreaming, deep hypnosis, often associated with right-brained activity
  4. Delta (0.5-3 Hz) 
Brain Waves Spectrum

Alpha is the bridge between consciousness and the subconscious; in meditative and hypnotic states it extends the bridge of awareness to the theta state, thus enabling conscious access to the subconscious. With this access, it is possible to redirect and even reprogram your mind, which means that you can change habits as well as train yourself to redirect your thoughts and beliefs. Notice that I said it is you that trains your mind. In self-hypnosis, this is obvious, but this is true whether you are entering the hypnotic state with or without guidance. A hypnotherapist—through an audio tape or in person—merely guides you to access your subconscious and that external guide has no control over what you do with what you are accessing. The guide merely makes suggestions, if those suggestions are not aligned with your moral and ethical values, you will not follow them. It’s not mind control—or at least not by another…it is learning to control your own mind and body.

Why Wait?
People usually wait to use something alternative as their desperate last resort—feeling they might as well try it now since they have nothing to lose. Why wait until there has been more pain and damage, why not get started toward healing right away? Hypnotherapy guided me to focus on my Self and to face my personal issues which helped me to release my anger and fear. Yes, I went to help me with my marriage, to enable me to be strong enough to Stand, but it did that by turning me toward my Self. But I am not suggesting hypnotherapy specifically—though I recommend it. Start by learning about self-hypnosis and consider it as goal-oriented meditation.
Dedicating time to practicing self-hypnosis and meditation is not a cure-all magic bullet. People think you can get hypnotized and bam you are cured…um, no. It doesn’t mean you will or will not feel better right away. Decide to do it regardless of whether you feel results within your desired timeframe and regardless of whether you cycle. Doing these practices along with Yoga can help to stabilize you and give you some grounding. Meditation of all types is a dedicated practice—a Sabbath or sacred space for being with your Self and your Higher Power.

How will I feel when in a hypnotic state?
How do you feel when in a meditative state? Do you feel like you are out of control, sleeping and can you not remember the session when you bring yourself out of the state? Most likely you answered No to those questions. How hypnosis feels depends on the depth or brain wave level and on you specifically. One person may feel awake and yet somehow different, as though someone else—if using an external guide—is directing the show, but many will feel normal, as though they are just sitting or lying down with their eyes close, but they could get up and walk away. They could get up and walk away, hypnosis is not paralysis and you will always be able to respond appropriately in an emergency situation, but in the absence of an emergency you may find that you will not get up and walk away even if your conscious mind commands it. Why, because your subconscious mind is commanding you to stay put. I felt normal when hypnotized; had I had doubts about the process, I would have not believed I was in a hypnotic state, but I chose to believe and have faith in the process.

So what are those things you have always thought about doing, but not until you’ve tried everything else and nothing has worked—what are your last resort and desperation techniques?

Why are you waiting to use them?
If they are your techniques used in desperation, do you think they are somehow better than the techniques used for less desperation? Then why wait?

Series NavigationMeditation II: Focuses & ObjectsCreative Visualization


Hypnosis: Don’t Think of the Color Blue5 Comments

  1. Jim,

    I am so sorry you are going through this.
    Let me ask you something:
    Why are you waiting? What does waiting mean to you?
    Are you a man who is waiting rather than living? Or are you a man who is living by doing and if so, what are you doing?
    Standing, unlike waiting, is not still.

    Have you joined the forum? It's not just left behind ladies over there; we have men too. Participating really does make a difference.

  2. I am standing again. I don’t know how to stop loving her. I came from a broken home and that is the last thing I want for my family. 1 son who is 21 and living with his wife and 2 girls at home. 1 with me and the youngest with her. I am off work right now severely depressed.

    • See your doctor about your depression. And…are you seeing a counselor? If you can find an available therapist on the Marriage Friendly Therapist registry, I recommend doing that. It would be an extra benefit that a therapist be marriage friendly, but at least for now the focus needs to be on helping you through this depression. And get over to the forum!
      And since you are leaving these comments on the hypnosis post I'll put in a plug for that as well. Hypnotherapy really helped me. It helped me to redirect my focus to me while detaching. I did not stop loving Chuck either and I did not hate him which is also a risk when dealing with MLC. I focused on me, detached and strengthened my commitment and determination to Stand.

      • I am seeing a psychologist and a Christian counselor. I have been in patient and out patient therapy. All has helped. I have found God again and He is my greatest strength. My wife is also going to the Christian counseling which is her 4th including a other Christian counseling all of which except the one she is seeing all told her to divorce me along with mine. The ones we are seeing now actually believe in trying to make the marriage work. I just need to have faith and let God do His work on both of us.

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