The Newbie Mentoring Program

The Newbie Mentoring Program is a FREE peer-mentorship for posters–you do not need to be new to the board–who need some guidance dealing with their spouse’s MLC and with their own cycling emotions. This program will help newcomers adjust to the community and can jump start socialization.

Being assigned a specific mentor does not mean another moderator or mentor will not post to that person as well. It simply means that there is a person whose job it is to check on a specific individual and answer their questions. Sometimes we get so busy reading one thread that we miss others. A mentor’s mentees are their priority on the board and mentees may go directly to their mentor with questions.

The Mentor’s Role

So, what will the role of a mentor be on this forum? Do we receive a mentor because we are new to the forum or new to MLC? The reason I ask is because though I have not been on the forum for very long, my spouse has been in MLC for quite some time.
New posters who start their own story thread will be asked if they are interested in having a mentor. We have Mentors who specialize in helping Left Behind Spouses in the early and most raw stages after Bomb Drop, as well as Mentors whose specialty is guiding those who are further along in detachment (which usually means they are more distant from Bomb Drop). Mentors are available for those who need them, regardless of how long ago their MLCer dropped the Bomb.

Below is the list of General Mentor Duties which is posted on the Private Mentor Board.

Mentor Duties

  • Introduce yourself to your mentees.
    You may do this by Personal Message or on their thread.
  • Be reasonably available to offer support and guidance.
  • Continue to check-in on them—either via their thread (and post) or by Personal Message if they are not posting.
  • Encourage them to continue to post to their story thread.
  • Be familiar with the site articles for referencing.
  • Direct them to resources on or off site and suggest other threads—such as another LBS with a similar situation.
  • Answer their questions—even if the answer is I don’t know.
    Even better, help them discover answers to their questions.
  • Encourage Self-Focus and Detachment.
    But recognize that they don’t want to hear that they aren’t detached over and over again—that is one of the biggest complaints.
  • Share your insights and experiences.
  • Validate.
  • Accept their process to recovery and help them to accept it.
  • Let them know of any restrictions for availability or contacting you.
    So if you aren’t around the board on weekends, just let them know when you introduce yourself.

Paying it Forward

The Newbie Mentoring ProgramWho are the mentors?
Posters are selected to become mentors from their history of advising others on the board. They are or were Standers like yourself and are experiencing or have experienced their spouse’s midlife crisis. They are familiar with the stages of MLC and typical MLC traits and can guide you through your initial panic and anxiety toward detachment. Their time and support are given freely while most are also dealing with their own MLC and fall out. Someday, when you feel confident, you can pay it forward by passing on what you have learned to others–especially newcomers. This is a continuous sharing forum and everyone, even the mentors benefit from support and feedback.

Guidelines

Your mentors are people too. Most are still going through their spouse’s MLC and thus they are going through the same turmoil as you. Please respect that they are busy with other mentees, other posters not assigned mentors, moderation duties and most importantly their own lives which includes dealing with MLCers as well as kids and careers. Give them a break. They are your peers, not trained counselors.

With that in mind please refrain from abusing the private message privilege by bombarding them. It is acceptable to PM them on occasion if there is something you prefer not to share publicly. But by posting on your own story thread you will benefit by receiving feedback from not only your mentor, but the other posters on the board. You will find friends and receive advice. It will also help your mentor as they bounce their advice off of other advice. They are not experts and thus they will not always know what to say or how to say it to a particular person. The open forum provides a greater advantage than private correspondence. It is also an advantage in that your situation and the advice you receive will benefit others when it is available on the forum.

This is why I am not assigning mentors to everyone who registers. You must post a story thread to be assigned a mentor. There are more people who lurk without posting than who post. The mentors do not have the energy to deal with every single person that reads the forum.

How it Works

All mentorships last 6 weeks and expire automatically. The Simple Machines Forum (smf) does not have a fancy system for setting up this program, so I will be manually assigning mentees to mentors as well as assigning the start and expiration dates through the subscription function. These can be extended upon request or you can request a mentor change. Extensions may not be with the same mentor if that person is already booked. If you are a new poster, I may miss your post. If I miss you, please send me a Private Message through the forum with the subject heading I Want a Mentor. When I assign you a mentor I will send you a Private Message and copy your mentor on the message.

When I assign you a mentor I will send you a Private Message and copy your mentor on the message.

So for those of you who are now assigned mentors, how is it working for you?

What are your thoughts about the program?
Any ideas to improve it?


Comments

The Newbie Mentoring Program22 Comments

  1. I just want to say this an amazing service you provide here! A haven for LBS'ers. I hope to be able to gain some wisdom and perspective from others' experience with MLC and in turn be able to give that back as well. The hard work and dedication to reaching out and making this website happen is certainly not lost on me:)

    • Thank you so much. And thank you for posting your story. Some lurk and I think they find it helpful, but many are amazed at the difference it makes when they become an active member of the community. Suddenly all those people you had been reading about are real and they are talking to you! It is the club none of us wanted to join, but having each other makes a difference.
      My recent post The Newbie Mentoring Program

  2. I never though I would have become a member my H and I were together for 31 years, they were good years. He has been gone for a year. Almost co communication. I have been following your site for about six months.. Im progressing in some areas, but regressing in others. i would like to have a mentor assigned to me.. Would appreciated talking with someone who is having the same experience.

  3. I never though I would have become a member my H and I were together for 31 years, they were good years. He has been gone for a year. Almost no communication. I have been following your site for about six months.. Im progressing in some areas, but regressing in others. I would like to have a mentor assigned to me.. Would appreciated talking with someone who is having the same experience.

  4. Wife is definitely going through MLC. We have been marriend 11 years and have 2 kids(3 and 5). It is like one day she decided she wanted to be free. I hope to get some good info here.

  5. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for five years. We have four children ages 4, 3, 1 and 6 weeks. He moved out February 2014 but did not tell me his affair until March. After which i found out that i was pregnant with our fourth child. I found your site a few months later but have mostly viewed blogs associated with emails I have received. My husband just made his first attempts to return home after Thanksgiving. He cutoff communication with the other woman completely but it only lasted a few weeks. He just spent New Years Eve with her instead of with our family and he was very sad about it but has suggested that he plans to continue his relationship with the OW. I felt like I was pushed over the edge and told him that I no longer want to see him or talk to him unless it relates to our children or business communication via email only. Then I received another email from your site and started reading about the No Contact boundary …yesterday I told him I did not want to see him or talk to him and this morning he has began emails ” 🙁 can’t we be friends?” And “please unblock me” …to which I have not replied. I would like to benefit most from this no contact request and am hoping for some guidance in my next steps.

    • Your MLCer appears to be a Clinging Boomerang. First, if you are not on the forum I really do recommend that you register and post your story and get a mentor.
      I know it feels like it's been a long time, but in MLC time this is still pretty early. It is great that you want to set a firm boundary, but as you do that it is also imperative that you understand that No Contact with a Clinging Boomerang doesn't really go according to plan. They will begin pursuing and then you wonder what should you do–especially when they say they will end the affair and then they appear to do just that. With a Clinging Boomerang No Contact is in short bursts–if even that–because they may end the affair–and mean to keep it ended multiple times.
      That is what I want you to be prepared for–him to end or almost end it and then resume it. Often–though not on each occasion–his intentions may be true, but affair addiction and alienator emotional blackmail are too strong a force for someone in a weakened state of MLC to resist. This does not mean you should expect him to keep going back to her, but simply that you accept it as a high probability while he is still at this level of MLC.
      So what you really need guidance in is how to handle possible back-and-forths and cake-eating and how to use No Contact or other contact limitations that are not boundaries. No Contact is great with Clinging Boomerangs because it means something to them–they hate it! But that means they will not follow it and they will do whatever they feel they can to get you to cave–and leaving the alienator is not typically their first course of action; that is their last resort.

      • Yes, he has been emailing me all day trying to get me to call him. I do need more information in cake-eating and the like and am looking into how to subscribe to the forum. He decided he wanted to return home after he separated from the other woman around thanksgiving and I had not been diligently seeking information in how-to so I basically was just winging it and in the course without realizing I believe I put to much pressure on him and forced him back into the MLC …that is what I can conclude after more reading on the site in the last days. He is living in his own place and after the break with the OW decided he wanted to try to work on out marriage to get out family back together. He did not move in but started staying overnight sometimes and being around more during the day and interacting with the kids more. He said he wanted to take his time to make sure that he could be the husband I deserve and that he could live in our home again and be a part of our family without reverting back to old ways and hurting us again. He enjoyed staying here and being with us and when he couldn’t show me affection in the way that I hoped I became very insecure and pushed that we spend more time together and so on. Then he decided that we aren’t good with each other and he wasn’t willing to try to work on things any longer and that he wouldn’t be moving home. About four days ago he told me he has been sleeping with the other woman again and that they plan to be together. The situation with the OW is very complex as she is 15 years younger than him and a heavy substance abuser that has relapsed multiple times in her room and meth use. He does not use drugs not do I and so it is very hard for me to accept that he would choose to be with her rather than with me and our family. I know he loves me and she does too so they argue a lot because if that and she does not like that he comes around me and the kids (but he tells me otherwise) so he still insists that we attend family functions together as a family etc. and I am unsure that this is healthy in our situation. I have continued to do family things with him in the past because I feel like it’s positive benefit for our children but I also wonder if I am enabling him by do those things. Now he is back with her I told him I do not want to see it talk to him unless it is via email and pertains to our children or business relations. I didn’t read the information on No Contact until after I had communicated that to him. That decision was made mostly because of the emotional roller coaster I felt I was on during the few weeks we were “working on things” and I was very hurt to find he had gone back to the OW after promising me that she would never be a part of anything ever again.

        • "I believe I put to much pressure on him and forced him back into the MLC"
          No, he did not leave his MLC. MLCers–and Clinging Boomerangs in particular–cycle. It is common for an MLCer to change their mind and want to come home or to try to come home out of guilt or because they fight with the alienator and for a while your grass seems greener… Some just know they want to be home, but are unable to keep knowing that or to resist the alienator.
          I don't see your situation as complex; I see it as a typical Affair Down–be grateful for that!
          The reason I said you need to prepare for back-and-forths is because you can protect yourself from feeling hurt again–and as though you are getting another Bomb Drop. MLCers rarely (if ever?) return before the two year (after Bomb Drop), though they may have false/premature returns–mine came and left 8 times in about 3 years.
          His method of taking it slow is a good one and his intentions were likely true, but in MLC was likely feeling withdrawal from the alienator and he got scared of all the great times he was having with you and the kids and your hope also scared him since he fears letting you down.

          • Wow! Yes, he actually verbalized his fear of letting me down. And stated that I was hopeful insomuch that it made him feel that I was trying to sell him something…I am an optimist and never have given up hope and yes I was happy and thrilled to think that he had come around. Your insights have been so helpful and are much appreciated. What is your advice as far as physical relations with him and sex…he still asks for oral sex and wants to have sex with me out of fear that I will seek it elsewhere if he doesn’t meet my needs.

          • Reassure him about your commitment to him and fidelity…but also point out that you are married and of course you would not look for someone else as that would be cheating. That doesn't mean he won't still be afraid.
            I recommend that sex be conditional–something for a healthy marriage. He may want to use sex as a test drive to see if everything still clicks…you are not a car though. I recommend keeping sex sacred.

  6. Thank you so much for all of the information and for taking the time to respond to my questions. I will work on getting on the forum (I’m new to blogging etc LOL) I am looking forward to learning more so to hopefully benefit my husband and myself and the rest of our family. I have been aware for several months that he was probably experiencing MLC but I’m pretty sure he has no idea. I think he mostly just feels really crazy a lot of the time and doesn’t understand why for the most part. I have not brought MLC to his attention at all…I assume it wouldn’t make a difference either way. Thank you again so much for everything! 🙂

  7. Dear Kenda-Ruth,
    I tried to register to your site, but so far not success. I never get the conformation email in my inbox.
    Thank you

  8. Hi Everyone. My name is Elegance. I'm a newbie. I've been with my boyfriend for six years. The bomb dropped on me this summer. He is having an affair. Doesn't seem to bother him that it bothers and hurts me deeply. I have been helping him during this difficult time, and have asked him to choose between me and her then I LEAVE because he wanted to have two women. she is all for it. The other woman is married/separated? I did as advised to do. I felt that was fair. He has a choice. Not an ultimatum. Yet he has me somehow connected to her online through an I phone app and it's impossible for me to go. She can see in my house, listen to my phone calls, in my kitchen, while I rest. I really am very uncomfortable with her so close to me and have stated my displeasure, and have been ignored several times. According to what I've read., to have her anywhere near me is harmful for ME and is holding him back, because in his mind I am his wife/left brhind spouse! This is not my lifestyle to include others in our relationship. Others might, yet it's just not for me. Not only that, she posts childish statements such as your husband left you for me, which is not true at all and recounts their phone conversations. Some people might be interested in all that. IM not in the least, and find it childish and harassing and only makes his go backwards on his journey. I'd prefer not to know avout any of this at all,, yet this woman seems to be much more public than I am. I have seem her with no clothes on except socks or sopmetrhing else minimal of her nudity a number of times online, when I am the complete opposite. I would prefer if he chooose to live like this with someone like that, it be kept from my view. That to me is HIS business. I discovered it accidently while checking to see if he were ok. Yeah a rude awakeing for me. I'm not a snooper. I had no suspicion, wasn't looking for anying just cam across it and I was in shock and in pain! Didn't seem to bother him that I found this and kept the AFFAIR going. I read recently that a cheater doesn't even realize that he is hurting someone else by their chioces. The ironic this is that I know/know of this woman. Didn't know her well, yet how she presents herself online is well someone I'd never want to be. I for a fact KNOW she is a married woman. That doesn't seem to bother him.She obviouslly has no morals. To me it's something I have a hard time being connected to. I have standrds, morals and feel completely violated and betrayed. If I ever do show any emotion of how Im feeling, the assumtion is that Im a miserable person when that is so far from the truth. It's this entire situation that makes me upset. No one seems to understand that. I'm so glad I found this site and this FB page. Now I know I am not alone in my quest for normalcy. Because it's been VERY difficult. I have been reading many of the helpful suggestions. Thank you for giving me the opportunity share. UPDATE: Today, he left a message something like the end and a new beginning, meaning the end with me and a new beginning with the affair partner. Im confused, sort of upset, yet after the bomb dropped and finding out of the affair, nothing can get me as upset as then. Im also confused what a clinging boomerang is please help me figure this out. Im also interested a mentor if possible because Im completely lost at times. Thank you.

  9. After seven years with alienator, my husband is finally home. He still chats with her on a daily basis. It irks me, and asked him to rather go back there so they can discuss things in person. Its useless having a body at home, but mind somewhere else. He was very depressed when he came home, but with help of medication and attention, he is eating well and has less panic attacks. He feels responsible for her as she cannot cope financially. She is very manipulative and he even told shrink that it’s of no use bringing her in for therapy, as she will lie as usual. With all the negative things that happened between them,he still claims to love her. He tells me I’m the best he has had and loves me. He says he is confused, makes his mind up one day to cut ties only to break it the next day. We are just good friends. He is in spare room and I will keep an eye on him with his attacks as he blacks out at times. I’m leaving the situation in God’s Hands. He still goes there to visit but at this stage does not want to move back to her. In seven years I have learned to cope without him. As much as I care, I am at peace as I have given him all my support when he was in s deep miry pit of depression. His medication and prayers are working for him. It is a terrible roller-coaster ride as one does not know what he wants to do the next day. As shrink said to him, that at one stage he has to cut the string of the yo yo and decide what he wants to do. He is in such a troublesome relationship with her that no one can fathom why they have this make believe relationship. No one at his work may know that he is not at her place so she asks him to post nice words and pics of them on social media. He even goes to work while he is on sick leave, in order for people to believe that he is still living with her. I’m standing on the sideline watching them play their games.

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