I am often asked what I did to get to a place of reconciliation. How did I detach, how did I continue to believe Sweetheart and I would rebuild, how did I find and maintain peace…
Before I look back to review what I did then, I must first explain what I am doing now. Sweetheart and I went through years of traumatic crisis and we are happy together, so everything is supposed to be perfect, right? No more trauma, challenges…stop laughing, it’s supposed to be that way! I’m not a Why Me’er, but sometimes I wonder. I am infertile and have been told my chances of conceiving are about 1%. I don’t know what my chances are of having a child if I conceive. So we are trying to adopt. We started with once agency and are switching to another because the placement statistics went down.
Within 6-8 weeks after Bomb Drop I had a Knowing and from that time on I was certain Sweetheart and I would rebuild our marriage. After my Knowing I did not doubt. And now I feel lost because I don’t feel that certainty regarding becoming parents. I worked hard for my Knowing and for some reason my marriage and midlife crisis itself lit an advocate’s fire under me. I want to be a Mommy, but I am not interested in being the sort of advocate I am for marriage and Standing. Maybe someday that will change and I will start a website for people who are trying to adopt or conceive—though I such resources are already available. I feel like I am wobbling and I need to find my center and my connection with God.
I recently gave you a meditation challenge. I’ve been telling myself it is for me too, telling myself to do it as I have continued to avoid it. Sweetheart and I met with our pastors the other day and one of them brought it up also. So today I did it! I just completed a 20 minute sitting meditation. It’s not magic, I felt stiff and antsy, but from previous experience I know that meditative practice is not something to do once and give because it didn’t feel right.
As a prospective adoptive parent, how do I find that place I created as a Stander, or how do I create such a place again? I need to look back to what I did in the aftermath of Bomb.

The Aftermath of Bomb

Like you, I was shocked and panicking and was advised to detach. I made a few decisions. I was going to Stand and I was going to believe in it. This was before my Knowing, so saying I was going to believe did not mean I believed yet. I also thought about those magic cure-all desperate methods people only try when all else has failed and decided I’d start with those. I’m not talking about magic pills or paying a lot of money to a guru. I decided the solution was within me and to find it I had to open myself up more to a connection with God—he’d have the answers. I returned to church—we’d stopped going regularly after a beloved pastor was ousted—and started to study intuition.

So I started with affirmations. I was obsessive. I wrote some down and others I kept in my head. I repeated affirmations as I drove—chanting the same phrases over and over—hundreds of time for hours. I was working a repetitive job in a lab and was able to concentrate on my chanting. I pasted the lyrics to Let Me Call You Sweetheart to my station and listened to various versions on my headphones or chanted the words to myself without accompaniment. I chanted my phrases in yoga and on my runs. My chants were not focused on my relationship. Some were about Sweetheart and our marriage, some focused on me being strong and loving myself and my running ones in particular were about me loving running—I was using them to convince myself!

I began meditating on a regular basis. I’d never been a meditator, but used guided meditations and packaged my practice with prayer—so I was listening to God and talking to God.
Sweetheart was still living at home and in Monster, so how did I do this? I was not sleeping and he was also not sleeping but lying there like a stiff board beside me. So I meditated as a substitute for sleep. I also used my yoga and runs as a part of my practice.

I started to read books about hypnosis. I’d always been curious, but since it was one of those last resort things magic cures, I had not bothered. I then saw a hypnotherapist. I asked for peace, strength as a Stander, belief in my Stand… He sent me home with a tape of the session which I listened to at bedtime. I went two more times and continued using self-hypnosis and listening to the taped sessions. I also downloaded guided hypnosis sessions and used those. I combined mediation with hypnosis. I am now planning to make an appointment with a hypnotherapist again. I know how to hypnotize myself, but I need a guide right now.

Affirmations, Meditation, and Hypnosis were not things I did occasionally. They became regular parts of my daily routine. Sometimes I would spend hours in a meditation. Eventually I took a training course in hypnotherapy. None of these changed Sweetheart’s crisis. They were not MLC cures; they were about Self-Focus and Healing for me. My most popular articles are not about Self-Focus. I’ve always said they are the ones people will skip though they are the most important. But the articles about how to interact with your MLCer will do you know good if you are not also working on your Self. They will be informational, but until you work on your Self, their application will escape you because you will continue to ride on the energy of your emotions.

What other techniques can you think of that will help you with Self-Focus?
What can you do to set aside time to dedicate to Self-Focus?
What have you done to detach, to create peace?
What have you done to maintain detachment and peace?
How have you handled set-backs?


What I did…as a StanderNo Comments

  1. I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I am finding a sense of peace and acceptance lately. One thing I had to do was stop talking about the situation. People, well meaning, would want to talk and help to make me the victim. I had to move through the pain but I could not get caught up in victim thoughts and I had to eliminate the opportunities that would energize those thoughts. I became very aware of excuses and refused to believe them. I would not call myself a single mother because I would not even let my mind go to those words. I hope this isn't denial. I don't think it is. It's more a matter of language. I decided that no one would write my story based on my circumstances but me and I saw something wonderful in my future. I don't know how or when but it is my belief at the core and anything that went against it wasn't allowed into my headspace. Any challenge to my belief was just a problem to solve.

  2. I feel so separated from God right now. I am praying, but I don't feel the closeness I used to. I know I have had prayers answered. When my mother was creating so much havoc in my life I literally cried out to God "Please take this from me, I don't want to feel like this anymore!" A sense of peace came over me so quickly. I have never experienced anything like it. I don't "hear" God the way some of the others on the forum seem to. I am trying. If this is His way of getting me back to Him, I am not pleased by the method.

    I am not quite sure what is meant by a Knowing. Was that a feeling from God that it would work out or just an internal gut intuition type of feeling. The kind women use all the time in various situations. I have no feeling that this going to go one way or the other. I am so confused. And so I continue to work on myself and discover lost bits of things I used to love to do before I buried myself in this marriage.

    • A Knowing is something beyond typical gut intuition–it is an intuition of a more powerful value. That may be because it is given for something of great importance or value. A powerful Knowing is something that comes in a time of great need, but not always when you are literally crying out in a specific moment–sometimes a response that comes in a moment may not even be a Knowing…__A few years ago I was driving in the rain and did a spin out in heavy freeway traffic. In the midst I spinning I screamed something like 'God, please help' or 'God, please stop.' Suddenly everything stopped–accept my engine and the downpour. The entire wall of traffic behind me stopped. They didn't just stop, they waited. I had hit nothing. My car stopped sliding and spinning immediately. But I had no intuitive Knowing and I don't think I needed one since the actions spoke for themselves.

    • I think when we feel separated or not as close to God it is our own separation, not His. It's not that we are deliberately turning away, but states of fear and panic close us from recognizing and hearing communications. When your stomach is in knots you are tight and closed and thus not as receptive. Meditation puts you in a greater reception because it is a relaxation technique.
      My recent post What I did…as a Stander

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