• bnw says:

    In my case I'm sure that my spouse is at least transitioning. There were too many life factors spoken about early on – terrible stories from their youth that I hadn't been told. Sad secrets. I'm confident that they have to be a factor.

    But I know that I am a factor too. I know that I have fears in my life that I haven't faced. I know that I wasn't coping well with some stresses in my own life – but were my coping mechanisms the cause of my broken family? I don't think they were in themselves. I know that I actually needed/wanted some space to transition too, but not at the expense of my family.

    I think I might have been resistent to some things – I was just adjusting to some of my own life changes – BUT – I also think that there wasn't a dialog for me to resist to, that my spouse had already identified that the solution would be a new partner ( and she has already an ideal candidate, or someone like that candidate ), and a long largely unspoken set of reasons why I'm not right.

    My spouse told me that if I'd been a half decent person, that this wouldn't be happening.

    My biggest fear at the moment is that I'm not a good person – and worse: that I don't even have the ability to see how bad a person I am, because I think I am a decent person – but I'm so far gone that I can't see it!

    My psychotherapist seemed to think that I seem 'well adjusted' but he helped with some of my anxieties. My friends and my family think I'm a nice person – my work colleagues like to talk to me.

    And you know what? Somedays I do think this is my midlife crisis. I'm in midlife and me and my family are in crisis. My spouse is happy with their decision – I'm the only one that needs to adjust. I'm the one that needs to turn off the noise of this in my head and the sadness in my heart. I'm the one that needs to truly understand myself and regain confidence.

    But here's the thing. Even if this is a path to self actualization ( and I'm sure that it is, and I actually yearned for that in my spouse – I could see the amazing talents that they had were not being used as best they could be and yet they couldn't believe in those talents ) – do they have to be so spiteful, hurtful, damaging and inappropriate in the quest for self actualization?

    I also wonder if it is possible for someone that was so damaged early in life, to find self actualization without destroying their marriage when they realize how those problems must have affected them? I wonder if there is even a scenario when a spouse can exit a marriage with kindness where the lbs understands the need and drive for self actualization – because it is so hard to give it all up.

    It's a very heavy subject – and I wonder at times do we all need to be psychotherapists just to make a relationship work these days? Shouldn't it be ok to expect that when things feel 'normal' in a relationship, that they actually are 'normal' – because it turns out that in my case, they were far, far from normal – and I was blind to it … and I do regret that for my spouse – that if they were so deeply troubled and so sad, then I did let them down by not seeing it.

    Just thoughts – the same ones that go around in circles on my own journey.

    Thanks RcR.

  • ready says:

    I just want to discuss that there is a difference between self-actualization and moving up than running from fear. I hate divorce too but had my wife approached me and said she wanted to end the marriage so she could pursue her own happiness and a new life, I would have let her go.

    Instead, she states she was falling and some other person in a different country caught her. That he is her new love and soul mate. That does not create a sense of "self-actualization" but a portrait of confusion and someone who is still falling. Even a year later, she is still falling. Clinging to a fantasy that masks her pain and confusion. Self-actualization is not found in the emotional support of an outsider, but rather the power within.

    Yes, it is the LBSer who moves towards self-centeredness because the power to stand forces one to bring discover the power of internal peace that one can obtain within the peace of self and prayer.

    I have come a long way in my stand. I now can give love freely with nothing in return. I have come to the realization that in order to finish my own journey and to truly let my spouse go, I have to focus my energy and "fix" it skills on myself.

    You state your wife has projected you as evil and that she has a new "ideal" in a mate. Does that sound like self-actualization? It does not sound life a focus on self but being selfish.

    I also agree with you that self-actualization does not involve being rude, angry, and projecting towards another person. That is denial and running. It is avoiding self-examination. It is rooted in depression and loss of self-worth. That is the crisis our spouses are facing and it has nothing to do with self-examination. It has everything to do with loss of rationalization and more about emotional impulse and hedonistic behavior than improving one's self.

    Just my thoughts as I go through the same journey with the exception is that I am moving ahead not in circles. ((((Hugs)))

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