- The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera Part II
- The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera
In the previous post I began to address the issues with Clinging Boomerangs and the confusion of observers—the Standers without Clinging Boomerangs. In this post I continue by addressing a few specific issues or areas for concern. The timeline for my situation is below.
Now for everyone else reading this thread, go back to my article about No Contact. It’s strict. I talk about it and recommend it when I write coaching posts. But that does not mean I did it myself or that if I did it I did it well and it doesn’t even mean it was necessary. Maybe it was. Maybe I could have chopped a year off of the timeline if I’d done after 1 year I did after 3. No one will ever know because that is not how it played out. No Contact is difficult with a Clinging Boomerang not only because they insist upon contacting, but because they need the reassurance. It is that need for reassurance that makes it Standing a tightrope act because reassurance requires contact and it takes a few years to build. Once built, apply No Contact.
So as you read situations where the Stander is resisting No Contact, that does not mean the same thing for your situation. With Clinging Boomerangs, No Contact is a consequence of inappropriate spousal behaviour—infidelity or even continuing contact with the alienator. For Standers whose MLCers are not Clinging Boomerangs, No Contact is a protection from Monster and a barrier of space so you can detach. Same rule, different purposes.
Clinging Boomerangs want so much reassurance that they may show fewer incidents of Angry Monster. Notice I labeled that as Angry Monster. What we often failt to realize is that the Charmer is Monster too. That charming flirt is just Monster and when you don’t respond to charm it will switch to Angry, Cruel, Mean…Monster. Monster is a Narcissist and an Antisocial Personality. The latter is a misleading term, though official. Antisocial personalities are more often referred to as Psychopaths. They are not antisocial in our literal idea of what that should mean. They are socially adept, charming and charismatic; natural salesmen they could sell you a timeshare to the state penitentiary so that you would be looking forward to it.
I do not know, but I think Clinging Boomeang’s may be especially susceptible to alienator’s with personality disorders. Borderline’s form immediate attachments which feed the MLCer’s need to feel desirable and worthy. These alienators are skilled with emotional blackmail, so once they addicit them with in-fatuation, they can prolong it with Emotional Blackmail. They are highly possessive and manipulative; these are the alienators who will fight to steal and keep your spouse.
Focusing on this alienator gives up your power. I know you don’t like her. I know you even hate her. I know she is deliebrately trying to hurt you and even hurt your children. I know she is not only stealing your spouse, but she is stealing your money either literally or by getting him to spend on her. I know! But she is still only a symptom of the crisis. She is not a cause—though yes she keeps it going. Focusing on the alienator is deflecting your focus and energy from your own journey.
The other Standers think the Clinging Boomerang is stuck, they are cake-eating, they need boundaries and they need Truth Arrows—much bigger than little Truth Darts. They think you should lay down tha law about right and wrong regarding fidelity.
And you get upset. I got upset. I agree. They don’t get it. They are also right. They are progressing, not stuck, but they are cake-eating and they do need boundaries and Truth Darts—back to the little ones. I thought Sweetheart was moving like lightening through the tunnel.
I’ve used the analogy of a coil before. MLC is like a coil; the MLCer cannot skip from one track of coil directly to the next, but must instead flow the entire loop in order to progress. Clinging Boomerangs fly around those loops quickly, but there are more loops. They do move faster, they come home, they want to be home, they genuinely want to end the affair… But for them it is the dynamics of the emotional blackmailing relationship that keep them going round and round the coil. That coil is like the rollercoaster track. For Clinging Boomerangs the track is narrower than for other MLCers. That means several coils take up the same space or time as single coil does for other MLCers. So they move faster, they change faster, but the increments of change are smaller, though speed gives the illusion that they are big. I was there, the changes and progress feels big.
It seems like they are definitely about to end the affair now. Whew, finally. There is a lot of energy and they are complaining about the alieantor—the lies, manipluation, begging, stealing… Guess what; it’s not over. With a Clinging Boomerang it may always seem like it’s almost over. That’s because it died within days or weeks of ignition. It’s not the in-fatuation addiction that keeps it going—though the drama is a high. But what keeps it going is the Emotional Blackmail. Clinging Boomerangs are needy and thus more vulnerably to wanting to rescue and being guilted.
So they want to end the affiar. They want to be the perfect spouse and parent. They want you. But they fall into patterns of comfort. It may not be fun, but it is easiery and less painful to maintain the patterns than it is to change them. The alienator is not going to break the pattern. The MLCer is not going to break the pattern. Only you will be motivated enough and strong enough to break the pattern. When? That is up to you. Breaking it comes in steps too. So you may start next month, but your breaking boundaries may not be firm enough until a few more tries and a few more years have past. But be wary, Clinging Boomerangs are so close, needy and volatile in their movements that you run the risk of making their crisis your crisis.