The Hero’s Spouse Mission Statement

• To provide information, advice and support on how to Stand for marriage to men and women experiencing midlife crisis and infidelity in their marriages.
• To prevent divorces.
• To reduce the overall rate of divorce.
• To encourage an alternative to divorce.
• To encourage personal growth and loving of one’s Self.

This is accomplished by…

• Offering a community for non-judgmental support.
• Teaching and encouraging Agapé and Forgiveness for all people and all situations.
• Providing resources for continuing development and education.
• Offering individual Coaching

We make no judgments; all are welcome. This is a place of love and support, not a place to degrade and insult others—including your MLC spouse.
Though heavily influenced by Christianity, people of all Faiths are welcome.
Though most of us are heterosexual, we do not discriminate based on sexual orientation.

 Bashing Versus Venting

• Your spouse is having an affair.
• Your spouse has left you and has moved in with the affair partner—the alienator.
• Monster: Your spouse has blamed you for everything that is wrong in their life.

There’s a lot more to MLC than just those behaviors, but those are the ones that hurt. Your spouse’s cycling and confusion may enable your own confusion, but they also may be somewhat reassuring since they don’t know, maybe they really do want to be with you—they’ll change their mind again tomorrow. But confusion is evidence of something not quite being right, whereas cheating, abandoning and especially Monster behaviors is evidence of a dumb@$$, jack@$$, jerk, b*tch…

Bashing
Voicing negative or judgmental opinions about another person as a result of frustrations. Attacking the character of the other person, often with insulting name-calling.

Venting
Vigorous expression, voicing feelings of frustration with emotional energy.

I think if you are constantly bashing the MLCer that it’s not good but come on… I’ve been lied to, cheated on, basically been chewed up and spit out by my MLCer. I think it would be abnormal not to have some sarcastic remarks now and then.
I agree. But is sarcasm bashing? Sarcasm is an ironic statement that is meant to inflict some sort of pain or reaction. It is meant to be biting or cutting. It’s not nice and it is cynical, but it’s typically not bashing because it is irony; it’s not an attack on character but a statement of the speaker’s emotional anger.

Venting may sometimes feel and sound like bashing to observers if the speaker (writer) does not qualify their rantings as venting. Some vents may contain insulting terms, but are they bashing if they are indirect?

Venting: He is being such an @$$hole.
Bashing: He is such an @$$hole.

 There is only one word difference in those statements. One is expressing a feeling or opinion and the other is making a statement as though it is factual which makes it a statement about character. Bashing is a method of demonization. Venting is an outlet for frustrations. Though the differences in words may be small, there is a giant difference in meaning.

Everyone needs an environment where they feel safe venting. We need to release our frustrations someehere and often to someone, sometimes having an audience helps or having a group of people who understand and will rush in to offer support helps. For most people it does not work in a vacuum.

There are appropriate contexts for venting at your MLCer. My Balancing Love  series is based on when and how to vent directly to your MLCer. But you probably need to vent more often than would be beneficial for venting directly to your MLCer. You need an outlet and your usualy circle of influence may not be understanding. They want you to put an end to your suffering and the more you vent t them the more frustrated they become with you and the more they want you to just stop, end your Stand and get on with your life without your MLCer.

The Forum is meant for you to post your story, receive support and advice and yes, it is also a safe place for venting. But bashing destroys the safety others feel when visiting the forum. The forum is designed as a place safe for Standers. If you want to reconcile your marriage, bashing your MLCer is gives yourself negative affirmations, it makes it more difficult for you to maintain your Stand because the more you insult, the more you believe the insults.

Both venting and bashing are indicative of anger, but bashing is anger transforming to unhealthy rage. Anger is not bad! It is an emotion. It is real, it is normal and given what you are going through, it is expected and can be healthy. But how are you channeling that anger so that you can release it? Venting is an acknowledgment that you are frustrated, whereas bashing take your frustrations to a more active level of attack, even if the attack is only words for now. You are at greater risk of escalating to more than just words if you are bashing than if your are venting.

What is a vent? It is a valve for release—literally. Venting is a method of releasing anger. Bashing does the opposite, it fuels anger. As I said, anger is not bad, but it does not need external fuel; that is how you progress to rage. And rage is not good.

A healthy vent is not about insulting. It is not about violence—not even simulated violence. It is about expressing your frustrations and yes, sometimes those come with strong language, but they are wrapped in feelings. I feel like I hate him. That’s different than I hate him.

Not everyone feels the urge to vent—or at least not in what others might considered a strong way. But it is healthy. Let’s support healthy release of frustrations.