• Jeff says:

    This article is excellent and I approve of it, the new term for Low Energy works very well.
    Great work as usual.

    Rebecca I would say the best way is very patiently.
    Get on living your life, and let them live theirs.
    They do seem to follow their own script and RCR has described it very well.

  • lynne says:

    I also think this article is excellent,when I read about other MLCers having affairs,spending,drinking mine does none of those things,he had his sports car,changed his appearence, drunk lots before bomb drop and moved out immediately but does nothing now he has gone. He is totally disconnected emotionally,shows no affection,if there is emotion in any communications he completely ignores it. He has moved in with his mother and brother,but hardly ever interacts with them. He would mention a woman at work a lot,I don't believe she is interested in him so I guess that is his fantasy affair. Work is definitely an escape he works 15 hours a sometimes 7 days a week so he does not have time to think. He is obsessed with his past in terms of his not so happy childhood,his father died 2 years ago I think he is now back there looking for the acceptance he never had when he was younger from his mother before anything happens to her. I was slightly confused about him not showing the common replay behaviours,but reading this I guess he is a wallower emotionally withdrawn,no tears no anger nothing,the only thing he is doing is pushing to sort finances and get divorced. This has helped me to understand better thanks.

  • Rebecca says:

    Lynne you just described my husband as well. he is having an EA with an old girlfriend but she lives in Ireland. He has been getting angrier now, 9 monthes after bomb drop.

  • Dee says:

    This could not be more descriptive of my H. He was definitely low energy since BD 1/09. He didn't actually leave until 4/11. He has had a fantasy of an eclectic OW….one that represents several areas of his desires. There does seem to be a "buddy" that he has kept in only an athletic circle. He is a major workaholic, volunteering for every possible extra task and trains for many athletic events.

  • Ready says:

    This article described my w to a t. My concern is about the part of leaving after a couple of years. Do most eventually leave? Is the process longer or shorter than a high energy mlcer? As much as it described my spouse, it left me with just as many questions.

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      Do most eventually leave?
      Some will–think of Still\’s MLCer; but will many or even most…I don\’t know. Will most female Wallowers stay home without leaving and males eventually leave–or vice versa? I don\’t know. I do think that there are more female Wallowers than male–or maybe women are a bit more likely to be Wallowers. But we might not see that on the forum since there are more female LBSs at the forum.

      Is the process longer or shorter than a high energy MLCer?
      Though each situation is unique, I do think that in general it probably takes longer for Wallowers. I did add a piece about this…but I see it\’s not in this article, it\’s part of the series, but followed the sections on the specific types since it talks about all of Escape & Avoid. I will update the main site in the next few days—along with the article at the Store.

      …it left me with just as many questions.
      Yeah, I bet! With overt depression it\’s harder to see the directionality–for both the LBS and MLCer since the depression itself–rather than the adrenaline rush of avoidance–may be masking what the core person wants.
      Replayers may anger us and try to incite us, but they also communicate a lot of information. Their behavior may be so over-the-top absurd that it actually seem hopeful—since they are clearly insane (in our view). They are running so hard and fast that it seems a crash will be inevitable. They cycle and so sometimes we see more confusion regarding affection and we can see their fears.
      More action (higher energy) corresponds with more communication—or at least communication we can have more skill at interpreting.

      • Benn Hurr says:

        Hi RCR, in our chat a few months ago you suggested my spouse was a low energy wallower. I agree. her affairs are all private now, she even came with the family on a holiday at xmas. i wanted to know if she is still in replay while she is on dating sites? i assume yes. she seems to be angry underneath the calm facade. she snaps from time to time. We are spending a lot more time together but its not on the basis that we are working on anything or that she seems interested in working that way. Its almost like an observer who occasionally expresses her distaste in what she sees. so i gather she is nowhere near coming out of the tunnel? what if she continues in these fantasy worlds indefinitely? We have an opportunity to sell some land that she could use to buy a house for herself but she says she doesnt want to sell. the price seems irrelevant. she doesnt seem keen to fully separate. I am wondering if i present her with signed divorce papers whether she will not sign them and hence reveal that she really doesnt want to do this? will this be pushing her unfairly or nudging her more quickly to where she will probably go over a long time?
        I feel she is holding me at arms length while she searches for a man and is thinking that if she doesnt find someone she will come back to me.
        your thoughts?

  • Still says:

    "Still" here. This is most definitely my situation. H left after 2 years and 3 months of saying he would. He has been gone a little over a year. He seems solid in his decision, with no communicated regrets. The time before he left was more painful than after he moved. I was a complete non-entity in the home. I was wallpaper that cooked and cleaned. He stopped speaking to me, unless it was absolutely necessary. For him, I think he had to leave. He believes he saved himself…for now.

  • Angel61 says:

    This also describes my H to a T, right down to when he said he is staying because he could not break his vows, leave his family, especially our daughter. Bomb drop in June 2010, still a home. EA on and off for two years with geographically unavailable OW (6000 miles away) but obsessive, always calling and texting, some degree of reciprocation but OW also says she can't be with him due to religious beliefs, etc. but won't let go.

    The "stuck" dialogue always comes up, but when I try to suggest separation he always vacillates, tries to throw it back to me, says its my decision, or that he can't leave because I will be bitter, or fight the D, or what not.

  • angel61 says:

    Continuation of above: My H has admitted to witholding emotions because he is afraid I will just expect more and hope. He feels miserable that he is hurting me, but cannot stop doing so. Can he be helped by MC or IC? I am so tired of this, I love my H but feel so miserable and actually have been thinking of telling him that we have till our D graduates from HS then we go our separate ways, just to get hi out of the stuck mode. I also just want his obsession with the OW to stop as I feel all his emotions are directed at her.

  • […] Has your partner displayed at least some Key Components and Symptoms of a midlife crisis? Many and possibly most of you who come to this site are uncertain whether you are dealing with MLC—and most of you who are uncertain describe textbook cases of MLC. Most of you are typically afraid that this is just a case of falling out of love and not MLC. That’s not how it works. Long-term committed relationships don’t just end like that—often there is an affair going on or they are waiting to start an affair—which likely means it is already an Emotional Affair. Some of you are worried that it’s depression and not MLC; Midlife Crisis is a depression; some qualify as Clinically Depressed and others do not or they may slip through detection due to their depression being covert. Some of you are worried because your MLCer seems milder—less or no Monster. Not all MLCers go wild and Monster; some are more Low-Energy. […]

  • Connie says:

    Omg reading about my mid life Wallower just frightened me! He communicates, tells me sometimes how he’s feeling and kisses me every time he leaves. It’s been almost 2 years & now I’m reading it could B longer or most likely he will leave? He is a workaholic but seems very honest. Probably has a fantasy relationship still sleeps in our garage every night but pays bills & acts as if he’s ok. I Was ok thing of his progress from two years ago. Now afraid he will just up & leave.

    • woundedbird says:

      Wow! I definitely think my H falls in the Wallower description. It seems very close. Trying to figure out what to expect from here. I'm like Connie…Do they just procrastinate on leaving and finally making a decision or do they more likely not leave or stay in the marriage ???

  • cosette says:

    I have a question. I definitely have a wallower. Like others who have commented on this artcle, this describes my MLCer perfectly. So my question is, what is the best way to handle them? Mine has been threatening to leave for the last 8 months but still has not. Sometimes I should just tell him to leave but up to this point I have taken the stance that it needs to be 100% his decision. Can I help move this along faster by asking him to leave?

  • phoenix says:

    I have a clinging wallower. Had emotional affair for 3 months, then consumated with OW only 2x. Then in about 3 months, it was completely over and done with. That was 3 years ago. Besides a few short term (2 days through 2 weeks) retreats to his parents house in another state, he has lived at home cycling and depressed the entire time. At one point he even rented an apartment a few blocks away from our house for 6 months, but never even furnished it or used it. He has filed 3x in monster, but never served me papers. Twice he let them run out, once he disconinued them at my request. He does travel a lot for work, which I believe has allowed him MLC space as well as providing an Escape and Avoid treadmill for not dealing with his life. Even when traveling, he consisitently calls, emails, or texts at least once a day, sometimes more and closes every conversation with I love you.

    Well, 4 month ago he decided to leave abruptly and move to his parents vacation home in another state. Some relief on my part, as he was so all over the place. I have tried to follow and read all there is on MLC to help me with fairly good results (thanks RCR). Focusing on myself is main goal, right now. Since he left, he has still contacted me pretty much every day, although still extremely depressed. He came back for two weeks to take care of me during and after a scheduled surgery. (Was extremely emotional and took care of me like an angel.) AT the vacation house, sometimes his parents visit and stay with him for a week at a time. They are a bit clueless to everything and fall for his MLC rationality.

    He wanted to come home to visit for our anniversary at the 3 month mark, for a week. The visit went fairly well. He even agreed to go with me to my counselor (her idea) who I had started seeing to help me focuson myself. She wanted to meet him to see how it could help me, not be a marriage counseling session. Anyway, he was very open, said he felt good afterwards. Told counselor he felt like the idea of staying in marriage on a scale of one to ten- was a seven. I was surprised it was so high, as I have been on the downswing of preparing myself for the worst.

    Anyway, basically goes back to his vacation house, tells me it doesn't feel right to be apart and he is going to come home soon. I press him for an idea of "around when," so I can plan ahead. Mistake 1. I also press him to get rid of the lawyer. Mistake 2. And I press him to go see his own counselor. Mistake 3. Two days before the "supposed date," he emails me tells me its over, blah blah blah, and that he is sending me a letter from his lawyer requesting mediation, but not filing becuase it doesnt seem right. I called him and said obviously he is triggering from pressure and requested we both take a time out to regroup. He agrees, whatever that means. As far as I know the letter is still on its way, although legally it means nothing. Meanwhile during the call, he tells me I should be positive that he answered the phone. Wow.

    Note: my MLC couldn't handle the pressure of even committing to committing. Just another touch and go.

    This story, is just to point out to those at the beggining of MLC, just how slow this process is. I realize everyday, as someone going through it for 2 1/2 years after the initial affair ended – it's so easy to get ahead of ourselves with hope, and it really is about having patience of a saint and trying to have a sense of humor doesn't hurt.

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  • samIam says:

    This article describes my wife to a T as well. I read this article the first time last year. My W was still at home then. I am 21 months in since BD and W finally moved out about 2 months ago after talking about moving for several months. I had hoped when reading this originally that W wouldn't actually move out and that we might be the exception to that wallower MLC typecast. That did not turn out to be the case. Now what worries me is the timeline…that wallowers tend to be in the tunnel a little longer. I had hoped that since I was coming up to the 2 year mark that maybe there was less time ahead than behind, but now I realize that THAT might not be the case either. I really wanted to stand for my marriage. I try to get on with my life and not have any expectations, but that isn't easy all the time. I fear that I may not be able to stand for the amount of time this is going to take her. Since she moved out she barely speaks to me. Seems like it isn't because she is mad, she just doesn't seem to think about it. I'm not one of her concerns anymore…after 20 years!!

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