• Chickpea says:

    RCR: this is in response to your blog on "truth darts" – everything that you mention rings a bell for my relationship with my H, however, as far as I know, there is not an OW, it is his career, that is his obsession. So many times, as our kids, were growing up, he would mention, how he couldn't wait till they were out of the house. Silly me thought, "oh, he wants us to have time alone again". What he really was anticipating was the freedom he would "take" leaving me, not having a loving relationship with his sons (writes them checks, that is his display of love) and pursuing his true love, his career. When he left, I reminded him that we had a wonderful life for a long time, until issues arose with rebellious teenaged sons, he agreed BUT NOW his love was his university and the chance of winning a Nobel Prize. So it doesn't have to be an OW- it can also be the almighty EGO, that wins out over the devotion and connected love of an intact family. Very sad for me and my grown up sons.

  • Stephanie says:

    I asked my husband a while ago–would you advise any of your sons to break up their family for a woman like OW?

  • Niek says:

    When tell my H is not a very good example for our kids, he get furies and always has one answer: why do I involve the kids in our situation.
    On other one: Why did you run away with an OW you didn't even know before. Answer: Did you want me to have several girlfriends(???).

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      So he asks you why you involve the kids?
      A few options
      “Why do you think the kids being upset means I’m involving them? They live here too.”

      “Why do I involve the kids. I don’t have to do anything to involve them, you left all of us. What, you think they haven’t noticed that?”

      “I am not discussing our problems with our children–they’re toddlers for goodness sake. But they live here, they see you don’t. Their existence involves them and if you believe otherwise, you’re fooling yourself. Divorce damages children.”

      LBS Question: Why did you run away with an OW you didn’t even know before.
      MLCer Answer: Did you want me to have several girlfriends(???)
      “I didn’t ask anything about mutliple girlfriends. I asked why you would leave for a stranger. Apparently you’ve figured out there’s no rational answer that could justify your abandoning your children for someone you don’t know and making that stranger more important then them.”

  • Niek says:

    RCR: Very good answers. Thanks you so much. I'll print them to keep them in my purse so I can read them anytime I want. Pff, it isn't easy talking to an MLC'er. I think we should make a script on how to communicate. So this is a very helpful topic I think.

  • Gallagher says:

    When my H tried to insinuate that I had put bad thoughts about him in the boys head my truth dart was:

    "Everything you have done to your children in the last several months has been of your own doing". It is not in my character to bad month you. Anyway I didn't have to. Your actions were what made the boys question everything they know about truth and love. I asked them to pray and remember the person that you were. "You cannot and will not make me own any part of what you chose to do to your children."

    • Agape333 says:

      Hi Gallagher. I think that was a wonderfully powerful response – a truth dart at its best. In my own situation, I feel just as you do and have taken a very similar approach. Strength and Blessings to you, your children and…your MLCer.

  • Stayed says:

    The most effective truth dart I ever landed to my h was… "if you had been totally free, would you have even considered DATING OW?

    I can still see the stunned look on his face. It was a direct hit.

  • notmeitshim says:

    This is difficult for me. I am only a fiancée, of 5 years, 8 yrs together. I am trying to lay it out so he talks to me, keep the conversation going and cheerful. Consistency. It's been difficult, and we have talked about how he is feeling about moving on… I don't consider this a R talk, but I guess it is. He does taunt me, and say things like I was thinking of going to OW's church this morning. I don't know how to respond. I just act like I don't care, and say "really". Why does he think I should know that? At the same time, earlier in the day, he was balling crying bc he feels so guilty, and is like I don't know how fix all of this (not our relationship, but basically put me back together so he can leave)….

  • notmeitshim says:

    Can I say, my fiancee doesn’t destroy 7 peoples lives over an infatuation/addiction? [His, OW, mine, our 4 kids.)

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      What do you mean? Are you referring to him as the real or core person when you say that? Phrase it differently because technically he is destroying all those lives. Instead of using the word "doesn't" use "wouldn't" and refer to him as "The man I know/knew."

      "The man I knew wouldn't destroy the lives of 7 people for any reason. Who are you?"
      "… wouldn't have destroyed…"
      "…wouldn't be destroying…"

  • […] Truth Darts Yes, MLCers are often upset upon delivery, but Truth Darts enable self-reflection which enables progress. […]

  • Guest says:

    My h has been saying over and over that he had to leave, as he did not want to give oor kids a role model of a marriage where parents do not love each other. I asked him: do you want to give them the model that when life feels grey, it is OK to leave for another woman, leaving a crying wife behind? Are you going to tell your son, when he is older, it is OK to have both a wife and a girlfriend?__

  • Jennifer says:

    Recently my H asked me if I remembered how much his Christmas bonus had been last year. I answered with the truth. I don't know. You told me you got none. I guess you used that money to buy her her Christmas gift.
    Absolute silence and then I just changed the subject. This was huge as a large fallout from his affair has been the amount of debt we accumulated while he was, and still is, supporting her.

    • Guest says:

      I would have left it at "I don't know; you told me you got none…" because that leaves him to think. It shows you took him at his word and he is left to deal with the fact he lied. Adding on the rest is more like a knife than a dart. 😉

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      I actually agree with Jennifer's response over leaving off the part about the affair. Don't let someone think you believed their lie. Leaving it off would be fine, but if that means he thinks you believed him, it opens a risk.

  • Kbutter says:

    I asked my h how he would feel if he knew his dad was having sex with someone other than his mother. He said he wouldn't like that. Duh.

  • Kbutter says:

    H said something about how ow has 4 little kids. I said all. She is looking at you is a father to her kids. And our kids are older and her kids don't know what cheating is ours do you should be concerned more about our kids.

  • Kbutter says:

    I also guesstimated and told my h in the last year we probably had a total of 100 hours together by phone and in person, so if you take that out of your life that would have stopped your unhappiness, chaos or whatever word to use?

  • GoingForward says:

    My husband finally came clean and told me he had an affair….after all, I read some of the emails and texts. He stated he wasn’t happy. ‘So you decide to blow up our marriage and our family because you weren’t happy and you failed to discuss it?’

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