• LearningIamOk says:

    I am truly one of the lucky ones. My MLCer supports me financially in all ways. Feeding the lawyers would be counterproductive in my opinion. Yes, I am frustrated. I miss being in a relationship, but I am filling that void with friends and new adventures. The Limbo that is Standing is enabling me to heal and be a healthy person to enter into a new relationship should my circumstances go in that direction.

    For those with an Alienator, my aunt by marriage was the OW for many years. They are now married for 25 years and she can't trust her H. He still talks with other women and she caught him in bed with another woman via a private investigator. He was in his 60's at the time. Yes, she lives a very opulent life, but cannot trust him. As RCR has stated, it is not a healthy relationship.

    Divorce is not a panacea for the ills of MLC. Divorce should be used only when you are totally done and no longer wish to have that person back in your life. And getting them out of your life after years of being together is sometimes impossible.

  • terry1957 says:

    Are u reading my mind. Monday i saw the OW leaving my husbands apartment at 7:30 in the morning. I was hurt but knew that he left me for her even though he told me that he sleeps alone at night and he didn’t leave me for her. i called my attorney and made an appointment. I gave my all to my husband and he’s been gone for 3 weeks and Im alone, ilonely, i miss him so dam much it hurts

  • Chicpea says:

    If the MLCer is happy- that's all that matters to them. Mine has told me over and over he's glad I'm out of his life. I'm still not sure how all this happened. He was feeling his age and needed someone to want him again. He thinks it's for his sex appeal- he might be surprised when he finds out it's for a career move for her. As far as the pain his 3 sons and I have gone thought and my FOO- he does not care.

  • Dee says:

    Just want to thank you for this blog. Your email today was so timely. I did put a retainer down yesterday just to be prepared if he starts pulling support. I mean, how can you trust anything when they have another woman?
    Thanks again, you are awsome.

    • ditty says:

      Depending on the area you live in, your financial situation etc… if you can figure out who he may use, retain that lawyer as well. Something I wish I would have done.

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      Good point, if you retain a lawyer he can't use that lawyer. So if that applies to free consultations…talk to as many as you can for their free consultation.

  • Dawn says:

    Married 34 years I thought happily. Been standing for just over 2 years seemed to have emotionally detached which I'm sure standing has helped.. Like above just wondering whether to file, as he is not engaging on any level. Says one thing does another. OW has control over his finances until this month has allowed him to make maintenance payments. However OW won't divulge financial details to court so has been issued with court summons which has probably resulted in stopped maintenance. Just weary of the turmoil. He is 62 OW 36 and not been financially secure. He has not inquired about his sons in months. But something inside won't let me divorce – he needs to take ownership of something to make him face reality. She has two children by 2 men never married – what is she really in it for!!!! Having read blog feel I can continue with my stand. Thanks to you,you have helped keep me sane.

  • Dale Chaney says:

    My husband walked out after 18 years……said because he was "unhappy" but he was having an affair. I thought we had a great marriage and was shocked (and still am 18 months later). It's absolutely surreal to me. I was always a good wife and now he acts like he despises me. He's a vanisher…..if anyone sees him that "used" to be part of our life…he hangs his head and won't look them in the eye. His alienator was married too and she and my husband were just able to move into together in the past month. He says he wants a divorce and has a date set. I don't want a divorce but in the state of VA it doesn't matter, I have no say whatsoever. He can get the divorce no matter what. I text him from time to time…never a reply…haven't seen him but once in a year and that was in passing…he hung his head and didn't even pick up his to go order….guess he and the alienator went hungry that night. It's amazing to me that he could just dismiss me and the kids without ever even looking back. I'm sure she's pressuring him to divorce as her ex divorced her, remarried, and is expecting a baby now. She must prove to the world she did the right thing…and I guess he does too…..by divorcing and marrying…guess that'll do it. I was absolutely sure it was MLC due to the circumstances this all came about….now I wonder. Maybe he never really did love me…..but how could I have been so blinded. The only time he has spoken to me, he's been mean….and he was never that way toward me. It seems so unfair…I was the one hurt and he is mean to me. He doesn't even see his family…I see them more. He is obviously filled with shame and guilt…if he is shameful why doesn't he at least apologize for his adulterous, sinful behaviors. Why doesn't he at least say "I'm sorry I hurt you". Instead he treats me like somehow all this was my fault. I'm bewildered and this has been the toughest thing I've ever been through in my life. God is my constant companion…and that is the only reason I am able to see some light in my day and in my future. I'm so sorry for all of you that are having to go through this. But, in the end I am absolutely sure we will all be stronger for it and will be happy "one day" as God unfolds the life that's meant for each of us. Blessings.

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      It's normal to question whether it is MLC, but you are describing typical MLC behaviours. He has isolated himself not only from you but the rest of his family, it was sudden and he is now mean and that was not how he used to be. Those are indicative of MLC.

      As for why not apologize if he is filled with shame?
      Because he is filled with shame. Shame hides.

    • Sandra says:

      Hi Dale, Don't be surprised that your husband is suddenly acting so different as it looks like he is allowing himself to be deceived and he is under a stronghold of satan This kind of behavior happens all the time even for people who are professing Christians.. I am a Christian and I know that there is a spiritual warfare going on in the world. My husband and I are standing for our daughter to go back to her first husband. She has remarried and he just remarried. But guess what? the word of God says that if you remarry while your first spouse is still alive is adultery. Go to http://www.rejoiceministries.org for MUCH support for your marriage stand. There are so many testimonies of restored marriages where the situations looked impossible!!

  • Rollercoasterider says:

    I guess I finally wrote a post that struck a chord.
    I am not against filing for divorce–especially when you need to protect yourself and your family. But I think it's important that you think it through.
    I also think it's important to have a lawyer available and to know your rights and to be prepared if you choose not to file at this time.

  • Uman says:

    My wife of 21 years told me earlier this year that she didn't love me anymore. It absolutely floored me. I asked if there is someone else out there and she said no. A few months later she admitted to having an affair with a former co-worker and that she loved him now. Said she felt "connected" with him because she felt I did not give her more attention. I asked our sons if I had neglected my family the past couple years, like she told me I've done, and they both said no. They are with me on this whole thing. We filed jointly for a divorce a few weeks ago, so in a few months we will no longer be married. Never thought I'd be a single parent at this point in my life and I am afraid the divorce will screw up our sons, forever. Everything we have raised them on, love,honesty, loyalty, commitment, she just threw it out the window. She says she is being selfish for the first time in her life..when is a parent good with being selfish? The man she is in lust with is going through a divorce too..his marriage of 25 years, according to her via him, has been on the rocks for the past few years. The life she has created in her mind is not a pretty one at all…starting a relationship while being a good marriage is not what she sees…all she sees is her new life, her new lover, trying to be a good parent..but I see one where she ends up old and alone and wishing she never took that plunge to cheat on her family.

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      So what do you want?
      You agreed to file jointly for divorce, why?
      I'm not trying to imply that's not what you should have done, I'm just trying to get at your motives.
      Was/Is infidelity a line in the sand for you, was it for finances or is it because you just feel there is not point, not other way and you might as well just file?
      That last reason is perhaps the most common. Men and women think the situation can't change–at least not toward reconciliation and so they just give up.

      We've got Standers who are divorced and still Standing at the forum, you don;t have to still be legally married to Stand, but some part of you needs to want to stay or be remarried or be willing to get to a place where that's what you want.

      Your wife's affair is destroying two families and is most likely doomed. Your vision for her is sadly realistic. But where will you be when she gets to that place of remorse?

    • aligrl4life says:

      I thought I wrote this, my husband of 25 years said he did not love me anymore and there was no one else. I believed him and felt he was going thru mlc. We have been together for 30 yrs. We had our ups and downs drug problems with my son and i thought we were strong enough to get thru it.
      He told me over the phone that he wanted a divorce, that he felt more connected to strangers than me.
      wanted to go out and date other woman he felt great about himself best he has ever felt after dropping 40lbs.
      I was beside myself, he and his family were a big part of my life. I was afraid, lost so many emotions.
      I returned to church and found strength there. He has been gone for 14 months, not nice when he sees me.
      Always talks about the other woman and how much he loves her and then goes on to say that he never loved me,never connected, etc…..I am growing and becoming stronger everyday. I stand for my marriage until my divorce is final. He finally served me after 13 months. i pray everyday for my children and i to be healthy and happy. Allow your wife's mlc have you reflect back on your life, make the changes you wanted and be you.
      Words are only words, i look at peoples actions.
      God Bless you and be Strong.

  • hosea_gomer says:

    Uman – I'm in a similar situation (no kids involved though) and part of my Standing is to fight both legal separation and divorce without playing dirty. My decision, my reasons – but one thing I know that would make it very difficult for me to Stand is not having a rough idea why my wife is doing what she's doing; I am looking for explanations as there are no excuses. If there are no "mitigating circumstances" (in her case highly detrimental Parentification triggering off a MLC at the age of 35) how would that reflect on her character, my view of her, our last twenty years spent together?? Have you tried to analyze her reasons – not what she puts forward as her "official" reasons but what is really behind it all? For me – and I can only speak for myself – learning about what paved her way into this mess helps me to Stand, to Forgive and to continue to love her without condemning her, it's a struggle with ups and downs but one way or another it will be worth it

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