• hosea_gomer says:

    I fully agree regarding Judging – for me it is as you said, having an opinion of what is right and what is wrong, an opinion which I try to base not just on my own beliefs but on a widely accepted value system. If I do point at the MLCer with my right hand my left hand is at the same time pointing at my own shortcomings…Regarding the second chance – first and foremost it's about the "why?" and once that is out in the open I believe in the good Christian value of forgiving and allowing the other party to make amends. How can I expect someone to respect my boundaries if I don't communicate them one way or another?? How do you handle a situation though were you are not accused and thus not given the option to make amends??

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      <div class="idc-message" id="idc-comment-msg-div-495251624"><a title="Click to Close Message" class="idc-close" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(495251624)"><span>Close Message</span> Comment posted. <p class="idc-nomargin"><a class="idc-share-facebook" style="text-decoration: none;" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Floveanyway.theherosspouse.com%2F%3Fp%3D1281%23comments#IDComment495251624&t=I%20just%20commented%20on%20Judgment%20%7C%20Love%20AnyWay&quot; target="_new"><span class="idc-share-inner"><span>Share on Facebook</span></span> or <a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(495251624)">Close Messagehosea_gomer,_Thanks–your response was fast!_I must admit that I get so nervous when responding because I don't know how people will take it–especially if I disagree or seem to disagree. I fret and worry as I write and before submitting! I'm doing quite a bit of that as I work on my responses to the comments from the series!_As for your question: How do you handle a situation though were you are not accused and thus not given the option to make amends?? _I thought I understood at first, but re-reading I realize I am confused. I initially though you were asking how does an LBS handle the situation when the MLCer will not allow their changes–amends and other changes. But maybe I'm wrong and you are instead asking how the MLCer makes amends if they are not made aware of their sins?_And both are good and interesting questions!__Answering how the LBS handles the situation: Acceptance of the process and part of the process is the MLCer's lack of Acceptance. Now that is not an active answer–it doesn't give steps for getting to Acceptance. Maybe that is because the steps vary with each individual. It's Mirror-Work stuff such as detachment, prayer and meditation, GAL (Get a Life)…

  • hosea_gomer says:

    Thanks, RCR – I spend so much looking at my Stand from all possible angles that sometimes I even welcome people disagreeing, just to make me aware of my own blinders…What I meant in my previous comment was that when as the LBS you aren't accused of anything, when the MLCer does not, has not communicate(d) her Boundaries – how can you then make amends? Isn't it so then that all that remains is to try and pinpoint your own shortcomings yourself and work at them, make yourself into the best possible person you can be?

  • ditty says:

    I don't think I have ever posted, just read and learned so much from this website. I like to think I am a forgiving person. I hope I can make this make sense. I have forgiven my MLC as a whole, but I find myself getting angry and upset when I think of some of the things that he has done to me. Maybe that is not being able to forget? Should I? On one hand I don't want to remember but on the other hand I feel like it will keep me from making the same mistakes with anyone in the future. It is so complicated, more so than most think-not so much the forgiveness but the forgetting.

    • Yes, forgiving and forgetting are not the same. Though behaviors are to be forgiven as well as people, it is when it comes to judging that there is a greater different–judge behaviors, not the person, but forgive both.
      Sweetheart and I will never forget the MLC.
      As for your anger, well that is normal and there is nothing wrong with it. It's part of the process of recovery AND forgiveness. It takes time to get through the pain. Think of losing a loved one to death. It hurts and you go through grief even if the death was from a long illness and they were suffering. Most people are not just fine in a snap of the fingers.
      So your husband could be doing everything right now, but that doesn't mean you are healed yet. There is a time orient to recovery–it's not just about behavior and being trustworthy–trust itself is an assured reliance that a person will act within certain parameters that are based on experience through time within the context of present conditions rather than intentions.
      So that means that you should withhold trust when a person has only been trustworthy (after not being trustworthy) for a week. Your anger is something normal that he needs to hear and feel from you as part of his learning about how his actions affected you and it is something you will burn through.
      I don't know, but I will give a time range of 6-15 months after the end of betrayal and from the start of becoming trustworthy again for burning through anger. If you are still feeling anger after than–or if during it you are seething in it for the majority of the time–seek professional help. And professional help is something I feel you should be seeking anyway–marriage counseling should be part of the recovery process.

  • hosea_gomer says:

    Ditty – forgiving is not forgetting, I do not think one is meant to forget and I don't think one is ever able to forget. As RCR pointed out, you forgive the person, your MLCer, but not his actions – which would amount to condoning. The not forgetting is what creates the scar tissue – but scarred tissue is tougher than unscathed tissue and will – with forgiveness – allow you to grow yourself

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