• Fred says:

    I met my wife when we were both 21 yrs old. I'm 53 now. We've been together since we met. We always said that we were each others person. She left me almost six months ago. She was talking divorce as she went out the door. Every contact, which was infrequent always ended with her drawing up the papers. It seemed the longer she was away, the more adamant she became about the divorce. During an e-mail session she said that the divorce was all she could think about. Up until then I had stalled. When she told me this, I believed that she couldn't focus on what was really bothering her if I didn't give her the divorce. I saw her once since she left. It was the day we signed the papers. I told her I really didn't want the divorce but I would do it for her. We've been divorced for almost one month now. I still haven't heard from her. I felt I had to give her the divorce because she was fighting so hard for it.. I figured as long as she is fighting for the divorce. She wouldn't be moving forward in her crisis. A midlife crisis takes time. I'll let you know how it turns out.

  • terry1957 says:

    This sounds like good advice. My husband and the OW began fighting around Christmas. he actually broke up with her somewhat but was having a hard time letting. I actually thought he had come to his senses boy was i wrong. a couple of weeks later he told me he thought he could start reconnecting and fit right in and he didnt feel like he could fit in so he is gone again. He “needed space(his words) I am not to call or ask if he can stop bye for dinner nothing. About a week after he left i realized he must be coming out of the fog just a little when he called me and asked ME where did the money go. I said you were the one in a 4year affair staying in hotels in Philadelphia, jersey and Delaware. I have been right here depressed waiting for you and you ask me that??. So now he is wants me to start back to putting my check in our joint account which i am not going to do. HE asked for a list of all the bills from the house as well as my bills. I actually think he is crazy. There is no contact on his part at all. I do feel that he is getting himself together in order to move on and finally stop giving me access to his account. He makes triple my salary. I am scared to death. When he mentions bills now he reference the house bills as my bills not his because he isn’t living here so he shouldn’t have to b responsible for the house bills. I think this is a good idea for me since i am growing tired of all of this. I just want my husband back not the monster that i have now. My husband is gone. I feel that more than i ever have so what do i have to lose. Will let you know how things turn out.

    • ben hurr says:

      hi terry,
      while we focus on our partners monster we miss something crucial which is our own. Ours might not be aggressive or violent but might be subtle and nagging or condemning or not accepting. This is the perfect time to become who you have always wanted to become. Reminding him of his affair will not help him feel closer to you but will make him think he was right to leave you. In addition he may be thinking "maybe i should give it another go with my wife?" and then you hit him with that and he says "what was i thinking?"
      Men love strong independent women. thats how his affair partner appeared….although she is not. Become the woman he cannot have not the one who fears losing him.

  • paul says:

    your articles are very educative.

  • Barathy says:

    I didn't want a divorce but my H asked for one about 10 months after the bomb drop and 4 months after moving out. He said I had grounds & he didn't (true in the UK), I had already seen a lawyer ( he didn't know) to find out what my position was & knew if we divorced I would suffer financially as I was the principal earner, but I took the view suggested above that if I fought him on this, this would give him another cause for complaint & allow the alienator to claim I was trying to keep them apart. So I got the papers drawn up and we met and I told him that I didn't want to submit them but I would if he wanted me to. He said it was a big decision and he wasn't sure, I said OK let me know when you are. He never did and about two years later we reconciled.
    The intervening two years were far from plain sailing but for me it was the right course of action and I would have followed through if he had asked me to.

  • Thanks for sharing your personal story and the insights on what you were experiencing throught the process. Very helpful for others to share and express their stories via the comments too!
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