Is Saving My Marriage Even Possible?
- The Affair: How Does One Eliminate the Temptation?
- What if the Affair Starts Again?
- Is Saving My Marriage Even Possible?
Ask a Question
I love my husband very much and want to save my marriage, is it even possible at this point?
If this is MLC and Bomb Drop was recent and by at this point you mean right now, then chances are it’s not going to be right now. But that does not mean that it’s not going to happen. Typically I warn that a reconciliation that is less than two years after bomb Drop is rare. That does not mean that you should start expecting to see more signs of reconciliation at the two year mark either; it just means that before that time it may be a premature return. Or it may not, and maybe it can go either way. MLC averages 2-7 years and most people do come through eventually.
Between then and now there may be a lot of changes taking place in both you and your husband and changes are a gift and it takes time for us to adjust to our new and beautiful Self. So while your husband is focusing on his changes—and yes, doing it in a weird and even hurtful manner; your job is you. And there may be points in this journey when it feels more possible and points where it feels impossible; it can be up and down. That’s why your job is you.
Strengthen You- Heal You
- Believe in You
- Trust You
- Love You
- Bless You
When you focus on you, you are going to blossom into an attractive force and many MLCers look back at what they left—only to find that what they left behind is out in front.
Whoa, how’d she get there? Shouldn’t she be miserable and falling apart from a broken heart?
Nope.
Well, how’s she doing that? How is she thriving? What is her secret? I need some of what she’s got.
I can give you a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH information about learning about MLC and understanding what’s going in in his head and I think that is all valid—you can find that stuff in the Midlife Crisis & Infidelity resources. But saving your marriage distills down to saving your Self first, only after you do that is the other part possible. That means that the most important resource area is Mirror-Work. Detach from the drama and focus on You.
Your husband is not a whole person right now and neither are you. You don’t get to do his part for him, but you can do your part and get yourself whole. A healthy marriage is made up of two whole individuals, not two partials who need each other for wholeness. As two whole people you will complement each other rather than complete each other.
i am finding your articles very interesting. My h of 31yrs has moved out 4yr ago to live with a woman of another ethnic group and he is an absolute racist. He has changed completely. When he moved in with her 4yrs ago it was sheer bliss. It was just 5star holidays and weekends away. He even brought his affairee along when our children whose 27 and 23 took him to breakfast 2yrs ago on fathers day. He called them every 2nd week but they asked him not tn call them as they will call on a need to basis. He was upset and blamed me for their actions and filed for divorce. I had the settlement papers and did not sign them. When he went on holiday this year, they were in a car accident, and then he wanted the papers as we cannot continue to live this way. I gave him the papers. He seems to be thinking more clearly and is helping me more financially, in the past i had to hear that he has to live and cannot give more than he is giving as he is paying our mortgage bond which is quite high. A fourth person has surfaced who is much younger than his affairee in fact she is our daughuers age and he is wining and dining her frequently
I believe that God is using the situation with the much y6unger woman to open my husbands eyes. I will not have a husband who is coming back and wanting to leave again. He already knows what he has given up, but is too stubborn and proud to come back home. On mothers day he spent the day with us. He was very subdued, and claims that he enjoyed the day with us. I asked him why he was so quiet if he would have preferred if i was rather not there and he said nope he wants me there and i do not understand. he really does not fit in with the family anymore. I love my husband very much and i am glad that this affair has happened, as i found myself again, as my whole life was planned around my husband. If i wanted to do something and did not have his approval, i would cancel. I now live for myself and other people around me. I can honestly say that God has taken a bad situation and turned it to His advantage. I have more time to help people with their problems. Not neccessarily marital problems only but i can reach out and tell people of the power of forgiveness. It heal the inside. If i am happy and stressfree, my mountains are molesheaps, it is still there, but it is not that huge mount Everest that i cannot overcome. I fix my eyes on Jesus and that is the way i walk on the water. There are days that i do look down and sink, but then i know where to fix my eyes. This affair has killed me, i took 30 sleeping pills and my son resuscitated me. This affair also gave me a new meaningful life. I am stil praying and waiting for my husband to become sane as he is living in a make believe world.
at what phase is my husband? Is he nearing the end of the tunnel
That is too specific a question for me to really answer because such a thing varies.
After 4 years I would like to hope that he is near the end and you say that he has been showing some changes toward you.
This additional other woman is also interesting. There was one of those in my situation as well. It came to nothing, but the risk was there. HeartsBlessing wrote a revised version of Jim Conway's MLC stages and she described a sort of mini return to Replay in the final stage. She discusses it in this post: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topi…
our divorce was finalised in court on the 4th. He phoned me to say that he is very heartsore that it ended, but his preferances have changed and we should not judge him for it, . He wants us to remain friends as he reckons that i am the best woman that he has ever met and has the most respect for, but he cannot help that he does not want to lead his old lifestyle anymore. He also says that the reason he never sold our home and take his half, is to secure that he has an abode one day as he wil never be able to buy or rent a place on his own. Worst is the woman he is living with has such a reputation with men with whom she co habited and he fell for the very woman ignoring the history of her . Her 16yr old daughter wil be giving birth soon, and when i asked him if rumous are correct, he first denied and told me she is a child herself but later correctf his lies. He wants us to believe that his life is a fairytale, therefore he would lie about everything, My husband hates babies, i do not not know how he is going to cope with a crying child in the house. But i suppose that baby wil never cry. I might be stupid to still believe in my marriage which ended in divorce, but i trust God that he would come through this as he has no friends no mother no wife who can speak his mother tongue
. He is with total different people who do things differently and then there is the 27yr old and he has pictures of her 16yr old in undies on his phone. He is definitely not thinking straight
Save our Self first, that's indeed our job to do. It took me almost two years to realise that. We're both growing and becoming better persons, but it takes time to learn how to trust eachother again. I'm a stander because of my past. My parents divorced, both my parents found a new partner, I lived with my mother, my father killed himself after having two little boys with his new wife. It took 38 years to give this a place in my life, I suffered a lot and my past was an issue in our relation. Now I realise that my father probably had a MC and that there was a reason why I had to deal with this as a child. It made me stronger. I'm a stander because I believe in myself, in my husband (although he doesn't use that word) and our family with three great children. Thank you verry much for your articles!