• AnnStacy says:

    Good article RCR!

    I think that if anyone criticizes a Stander, that person is generally someone to avoid. What Standers go through is enough all by itself without others jumping in to criticize. I think it's important to get all outside negative views away from yourself if you're a Stander. Your life and circumstance are not an outsiders tv drama-esque entertainment. Your marriage is a private matter. And if your MLCer is making a fool of themselves all over town, you, as a Stander, do not have to contribute to the side show. You have a right to your privacy. And that includes avoiding everything and everyone you want to.

    One story I read a long time ago has been in my head tonight and I think it relates well to this.

    A woman was diagnosed with a terminal disease, she knew that she had only two more months to live. She knew that this was true because she felt weaker and weaker all the time. Other people knew that she didn't have that much time left. So she reported that she received a lot of phone calls that she let go to the answering machine. A lot of people wanted to come by and spend time with her. But you know what she did? Answer: she did just what she wanted to do. Her time was precious. So she spend every minute of that last two months doing exactly what she wanted to.

    If she didn't want to meet a friend for lunch, or have anyone stop by- she didn't receive any guests. If the phone rang and she didn't want to answer it. She didn't. She wrote that she spent nearly every day in her garden, planting flowers because that is what she wanted to do. And having the kind of tea she liked, and enjoyed watching the birds hopping around in her back yard.

    In a way, when I read a lot of the stories about how the MLCer and the alienator and others confound and frustrate the Stander, it makes me sad, because these are the moments of our lives. Why are we squandering them?

    Yes, it's painful. And it hurts like heck. But try to remember, that given the way the MLCer has acted, and even apart from that- that the best part of the relationship was you. It is your life. And it can beautiful. If you focus on yourself and the good things you have. Don't let anyone waste your time or steal your joy.

    I recommend everyone read Stayed's posts. She said something wonderful about a reconciliation that happened when a woman hadn't done a thing. She let her H go about his business for 3 years without any contact, except a few emails about the mortgage. It is about the TIME in OUR LIVES. We are better than anyone not treating us well and taking us for granted. Deep down, no matter, where you are on the journey, I know that we all know that we can emotionally treat ourselves better than our MLCers have.

    If they were boyfriends and not Hs? Would we still accept this treatment? Do not get so hung up on the ring and vows. They weren't enough to prevent this situational. The focus should be on treating ourselves with respect, and not allowing anyone to do less than that and waste our time, playing with us as if we're their personal toy.

    Remember it is OUR Time and OUR Lives. Ask yourself if you want to spend your precious time continuing to grieve, and obsess, and feel hurt and sad about your MLCers nonsense. If you can't block them out and do the things that YOU want that make YOU happy- that makes for more peaceful, happy, dignified use of the time in your life.

  • Coffedrinker6 says:

    Please can you tell me what you did to get back together. My husband of 38 years left me 8 months ago to live on his own, saying he did not love me anymore. I want us to get back together but am afraid that I may push him further away. Please can you tell me how to communicate with him and when to.

  • Lisa says:

    But personality disorders can be hidden very well. And why would a narcissist show his cards before he needs to, like have a backup go-to person waiting, etc? Or something might bring 'out' the personality disorder. Trigger it if you will. Like MLC I suppose.

  • Narcissist says:

    One is a phase of life and another is a mental illness that needs to be accurately diagnosed by a qualified psychologist or doctor. Are Narcissists likely to go through a midlife crisis and, if so, to what extent will such a crisis ameliorate or exacerbate their condition?

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