• Tsunami says:

    Excellent article RCR. It seems the mods have been questioning the same issues that have been bothering me about the site. Some of the new posters aren't as old as the duration of other posters marriages.

    Would love to see a blog regarding Vanishers. While speaking to some of the new posters on the site, they have been seeking further insight regarding vanishers.

    Keep up the good work!

  • xyzcf says:

    RCR you have captured exactly the issues that have been of a concern for me regarding, is this site the best place for everyone? Not withstanding that mirror work is what we all have to do through every stage of our lifespan, there truly is something different going on with a MLCer vs a relationship that ends for a multitude of other reasons.
    Personally, I have felt a change in the orientation of Heros from when I first joined in July 2010. You wrote above: "This is a site for Standers—people who want to save their marriage. But how many MLC marriages make it through to reconciliation? Sorry, but most don’t—one of my goals is to change that".
    I actually feel that I am a very small minority now who actually believes in the process of MLC and the extraordinary length of time that it takes for our spouses to get through their crisis. The support for standing seems to have waned, to the point that I feel criticized for my views. There was a difference in the forum prior to this current year where I felt standers and non standers always were supported. I am being honest, and many will disagree, but to me, that does not seem to be the case anymore.
    I appreciate ALL your articles and the tremendous help that Heros has given me to become whole and fully alive again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

  • fie says:

    Although I don't understand every word, because my English isn't so good, your articles are great!! I have read a lot about my MLC'ers journey, but also about my own progress during the last four years. I'm always happy if I recieve a mail and I'm proud to be a Stander!!

  • SoManyTears says:

    This is MY story… My husband and I have been incredibly happily married for 10 years (together 11). Lots of satisfying sex. Seriously, never a problem. Lots of fun times and a wonderful life together. Then a woman from his past moved 3 blocks away from us. She’d had a hard life and had just lost her husband to cancer. She herself was recovering from anal cancer and had to endure a colostomy bag. She was on disability, taking care of her sick elderly mother, raising her nieces 2 preteen kids and was extremely obese (over 300 lbs). My husband admitted that they had fooled around they were both in their teens, but he’d been a horrible alcoholic and never remembered having sex with her…only waking up next to her on a few occasions. I watched her walk past our house for nearly a year, ignoring my husbands suggestion to go walking with her for health purposes. I am thin, but needed to move more as heart disease runs in my family. When I did give in, my husband made a track in our pasture so that she and I could avoid traffic and walk safely. She came to walk with me daily for over a year. Shortly after she began frequenting our home, my husband began complaining of fatigue and back pain. This caused a considerable decline in our sexual relationship. Since he is in his 50′s and had a previous back injury, I didn’t think too much of it. Then, about a year later, he began finding fault with me and became argumentative. I asked why he was acting so different, but he had no answer. Well, one morning he asked me to teach him how to forward a YouTube video to his brother’s messages and BAM! I found a text between her and him. It said enough that I printed out the latest phone record. Just that month alone, there were 1997 texts! I looked back in the records and discovered a 15 month long affair with over 43,000 texts, 2,000 phone calls and 80 pictures! I was devastated. I heard the “We’re just friends” line from BOTH of them, but I found out otherwise. Seems this is the same woman he committed adultery with while he was married to his first wife 37 years ago. He also had sex with her behind several of his girlfriends backs. My husband has been sober for 25 years! He did this SOBER! They BOTH swear there was no sex this time because of me! However, he begged her for it constantly and asked her to come to the house when I wasn’t home. This sober man sent her pictures of his penis!! She has told me that she loves him, but he says he’s never loved her and loves me. As far as I can tell, they stopped contact one year ago, today, the day after they got caught. My world has been shattered. They told me it was just a game. He says he only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. Says he felt sorry for her. Then he tells me, when he brought up the subject of having an affair, she said “NO”, which pissed him off and made him try even harder to get her to say yes. I think it’s a bunch of bull! He says he can’t remember most of it and cannot come up with any reason why he did it. Yes, he started the whole thing. He can only say he just wanted to mess with her head. I do not understand! We live in a very small town and if you asked anyone who he’d ever mess around on me with…they ALL say her! What does this mean? He’s free to go, but he says he doesn’t want her and nothing they did was important to him. What? They never missed one day of communication in those 15 months. Every morning he texted her, “Good morning Sweetheart” and every night, “Goodnight, babe, sweet dreams”. He texted her while he and I were out on dates! He began to feel out his family by mentioning her to them. I think she meant something to him and still does! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this! Why would a happily (he was!) married man let his past bring him down? Why would he cheat on most all his relationships with the SAME woman throughout his entire life? Why?

  • Thank you for this information as my sister is experiencing this so I wanna help. She's is in her mid 20's

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