• Nas says:

    I was so happy to see this blog post. The one-year anniversary of BD for me is at the end of this month and I spent WAY too long doing all the wrong things (4 months of trying to make him see the good in our marriage, and a few slip ups after that, until finally in December I stopped being a stubborn fool and realized it really was hurting and not helping the situation at all). In December I did throw a whole quiver of truth arrows (I guess that was sort of my final act of "losing it" before I stopped for good). At that point, I thought I was supposed to go no contact and almost did, but almost immediately he started initiating contact with me here and there for no reason, which he hadn't done even once before that. I was torn, not knowing if I should respond; ignoring him completely felt like it was counterproductive to paving the way, but responding made me worried I was making him think what he's doing is okay.

    As for me, I'm moving ahead with making the immediate major changes I have to make in my life (most importantly, finding a new place to live), spending time with friends, etc, and since December, I don't initiate contact with my H unless it's absolutely necessary, such as when I need paperwork to get a financial support agreement drafted.

    There is something in this blog post that worries me about my particular situation. It's the part that says:
    "You may think that they will quickly figure out that freedom from you is not as great as the fantasy of having it. Sorry to burst your bubble, but with an MLCer, you are mistaken. They are often in the throes of in-fatuation with an alienator which means they are flooded with hormones which literally make the world seem brighter and more wonderful. In-fatuation is like a temporary insanity; now add that to an already unstable MLC situation. The alienator is filling in the space that might otherwise be used to miss you. Sorry, but that’s the truth."

    There is no OW in my case, at least not in the affair sense. I believe there are two potential alienators: the "OW" being H's mother, and the other potential alienator is my H's shady business partner, who I believe has no scruples whatsoever. H lives with his mother, doesn't party, hasn't changed his style of dress, isn't chasing after younger women and hasn't taken up with new younger friends, etc. He suddenly has some new friends, but they are actually older and married with children and they live over a thousand miles away. Mostly he stays home at his mother's. A lot of time and effort is going into his new business, his fourth attempt to create something successful with his business partner, a man who initially got H involved with a few scam business ventures where H lost a ton of money behind my back. After BD, H did a lot of projecting and blaming me for those failed endeavors. He then left home and started another new business, as if to "fix" his failure with no concern as to what will happen to me.

    But with no affair, and therefore no "in-fatuation" hormones mimicking temporary insanity, I'm finding it hard to see how he could be living apart from me now for 8 months and not have wavered at all in his choice. He knows I have to move out of our apartment at the end of the month, have yet to secure a new place to go, and yet he's still sure of his choice. If he were "addicted" to an affair it would be easier to see how he could be doing this. He has told me he has anxiety that is severe at times. He's extremely tired all the time and tells me "some nights are better than others" in terms of sleep. He seems depressed and has gained a lot of weight. He said recently his mother is "driving him crazy."

    I have done my best to listen, not offer advice or make suggestions and not say anything that sounds like judgment. But he left me and he's not any happier. In fact, he seems much more depressed. He's not enjoying "freedom," considering his mother is so concerned about the amount of drinking he was doing in early replay right after BD that she lent him money for his new business but she 100% controls the bank account for his business. He's clearly not living a fantasy and his world isn't brighter due to in-fatuation hormones. If there's no in-fatuation hormones, then it's not a situation where the hormones might adjust and he'll see more clearly.

    That worries me because it's like there's no end. And if that's the case, absolute no contact might become my only choice.

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      Thank you so much. What an excellent point regarding infidelity. In reviewing that I covered what I needed to cover, I obviously missed that. Infidelity is such a grande part of MLC–the overwhelming majority of male MLCers have some sort of affair–that it is easy to forget that there are those who do not.
      I have added to that section of the article.

  • evans says:

    Hi my husband back home since January 2016. He is seeing a shrink and is being treated for depression and panic attacks. He is very cordial and helpful at home. He is texting alienator and her daughter all the time. Month ends he goes on week end away with her to casino. She is doing an early shift this week, he left to help her. He would get up at 2:30 and make her coffee he then goes back to bed and at 08;00 he gets her grand daughter ready for playschool. It was better when he was living there the past seven years as I did not know what he was up to. It hurts if I hear the length he goes for her and her family. I have asked him several times to go back to her as I cannot live like we are at the moment. We are great friends we are in separate rooms. Its nice having him home when he is not spending all his time on phone with her. They had such s tumultuous relationship with verbal abuse and third party from her side but they wanna be together. I cannot handle much more of this and rather want him out of my home. It will take a few months to adjust.

  • WaitingButTired says:

    Thanks for this article. However, I don't always understand he jargon. .. So do I contact my spouse or not???

    • Rollercoasterider says:

      It is not a simple black-and-white yes/no answer which is why I have several articles about No Contact. The main article about No Contact is linked in the first reference to No Contact and the others are in the related posts section after the article–for some reason this section is repeated, so they are shown twice.
      As for other jargon I have tried to put links to articles where terms may need clarification. I had done this already, but just went through and added a few more. I use maroon for colouring hyperlinks, so just look for text that is maroon.

      So should you contact or not? No Contact is a strict boundary that is only to be broken to end the boundary or when a boundary comes to an end of a pre-set time period or for emergencies–car accident, hospitilization… Child custody exchanges are not an exception and need a mediator if necessary. Most people go Dark when children are involved since a true No Contact boundary is not usually possible.
      Suppose you are no using a No Contact boundary, does that mean that you contact your MLCer? No, not necessarily, it often means your MLCer will contact you and since there is no boundary you may choose to respond back. In a No Contact boundary if your MLCer tries to break it by contacting you (and many will) it means you will not respond back–not by text, email, phone…

      I'm not sure if this explanation is helpful or not, hopefully understanding more of the jargony terms through the linked articles will help, but let me know.

  • StandingDaily6.24.16 says:

    I initiate contact when I feel that God or circumstances are leading me to have a peaceful and loving conversation with my spouse. I allow weeks and even months to pass without contact. I pray before holidays, anniversaries or family events before deciding to reach out to my spouse. There are some things I can share and somethings I cannot because of safety and protection of my privacy regarding my life and our respective families. Lately, our conversations have been very very good. I get a visit maybe once or twice a year. I have protective walls up.. .and things that are just wise (for mental and physical health reasons). I don't recognize my spouse now. That hurts so much. My spouse says they are the same, but my spouse is not. The way my spouse speaks, their demeanor, habits are brand new. I pray and pray and pray that my spouse will make he right choices in life and will return to our marriage. I miss my friend. I miss being able to tell my spouse special things about my life, hopes and dreams. My spouse just does not seem interested. I know some of that is defense mechanism on my spouse's part–I get it, but I don't like it. The fact that my spouse returns my calls (sometimes my spouse does not) tells me something. None of this makes sense. I can't seem to put a pattern to the situation. I take and note the "nuggets of gold." I trust that God knows and has a plan. I am becoming weary and wonder if I am supposed to just give up and move on, but we standers probably do this (in our thoughts) quite often. Thanks for your website. I will , with prayer, resist the urge to give up. I know there is hope and a positive place for our marriage in God's timing.

  • WaitingDaily says:

    What is a Touch and go related to standing?

  • Sparklestar says:

    When you have a vanisher that rarely makes any contact and when they do doesn’t appear to be ‘checking the anchor’ as such but rather contacting regarding house or financial matters how does that fair with the ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder? This is quite unsettling to read because of course it’s already a worry that if they just don’t see us or have that contact then how can they miss us? Especially when there is an alienator. I think that them missing us is all we have really? It’s actually the case that LBS’s of vanishers are jealous Of those that have clingers or boomerangs because at least they are having contact even if it’s unpleasant or tricky to deal with!

  • paulroy735 says:

    A few months back, right at the time he launched his new business, he had posted an article on Twitter called "Things to Remember When You Feel Like You're Not Good Enough." Last week he was complaining a lot about his mother, and one thing he said is his mother tells people she has low self-esteem but it seems like she really just says it for attention.

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