Ask a Question – Quick Answers
I receive a lot of questions that have pretty quick answers and I have not known what to do with them. Well DUH, I finally realized I can just put several into a single post–actually a recurring non-series since so many questions have quick answers.
Does an alienator have more to offer—is this a case of greener grass? No and happiness in affairs is a façade. It’s not about what she can give him; this is not a competition. Yes, missing the good life and marriage is common, but missing what was is not as strong as the midlife crisis and in addition, in the beginning the affair is running on in-fatuation hormones which make the MLCer think they are in-love and this relationship is the solution to all their problems. It may be difficult to imagine what those problems are if your life together had been so wonderful, but we all have demons and in MLC they surface. Many MLCers have family of origin issues and are unprocessed childhood trauma that surfaces in MLC.
Some of the hormones associated with depression and dealing with trauma block positive memories, enabling historical revision. So they would miss the good life if they were able to recall it accurately, but MLC clouds their mind.
2. Why is my husband getting to be happy and I have to hurt like hell?
Okay, probably because he says he is happy and he may seem to be high on happiness. That high is hormonal and it covers up his guilt and shame. Sure MLCers have periods of elation—who wouldn’t when they may be getting the freedom they’ve been dreaming about along with who they think is the man or woman of their dreams? But the grass is not greener in the alienator’s yard. I recommend that you read about the Affair Down.
You would not want the MLCer’s lot in life. I know that you are in pain, but so are MLCers. They are in pain and filled with shame and confusion. They don’t know who they are and who they want to be. They want approval—to be loved. Male MLCers want to be someone’s knight in shining armor so they can feel worthy, brave, masculine, lovable… So they fall for an alienator who is a victim in search of a rescuer. Such a person often places responsibility for their happiness on others—in this situation they place it on their rescuer. Female MLCers often take on the role of the damsel needing rescue, so it is not uncommon for two MLCers to find each other and become each other’s alienator.
An MLCer has an alienator who tells him that he is responsible for everything—good or bad—in her life. Along with that they have the terrible guilt that accompanies abandoning one’s family. If they don’t seem to be displaying guilt of bad feelings regarding their behavior, that is likely because they are burying it—Escape and Avoid is how they run from the guilt.
3. Do they lie all the time? Why lie about something so big that he could fall even harder and faster if found out?
Yes. As for why…beats me—maybe they want you to believe in the greener grass fiction! Seriously, they lie even when they know that everyone can tell they are lying—at least I assume they know, since it is blatantly obvious.
I once recorded and then transcribed one of Chuck’s visits home—I don’t recommend doing that, it was pretty obsessive, but I did get a lot of insight about MLC. In one sentence Chuck denied that he was having an affair and in the next breath he said that if we were together again (implying sexually) he would need to be tested (for sexually transmitted diseases). Um, that certainly sounds to me as though he was sexually active with someone other than me and in addition, he implied that he was not using condoms.
MLCers don’t want to fall; that is why they are in crisis. In that context, their lies are a defense mechanism against falling.
How can one affect reconciliation without contact?
One cannot. No Contact is a boundary that is not meant to be permanent if you are Standing. How can you reconcile while having No Contact? No Contact is a tool to use as necessary, not forever.
In addition to the article introducing No Contact, I have two newer blog posts to help explain it.
What is really happening in the MLCer’s mind? Don’t they have any regret or feeling of loss at all? What is it really like for them in general?
Yes, they have regrets. Some have regrets instantly and it haunts their every breath while they are going through their MLC, whereas others are more skilled at burying their regrets and deceiving themselves.
Life varies depending on the nature of their personal crisis and the dynamics of the relationship with the alienator. With an affair down the relationship is often volatile with arguments often being about the spouse. Affair Dow alienators are notoriously jealous of the spouse.