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No Contact: Clearing Up the Confusion12 Comments

  1. I am trying my best to be there for my wife. She has said that if it’s not who she is seeing now that it would be someone else. It has been 7 months since she has started to see him. She is going to a Christian consular and she says she is working on her self right now.

    • Well, she's right that if it weren't this guy it would be another which really is indicative that it's not about you and it's not about him.
      She may be going to a counselor, but as long as she is also pursuing an adulterous relationship she is avoiding rather than working on her Self.

      • That’s what I told her. I am worried about our children. The 7 year old daughter has met him. My 12 year old daughter said that she would make him miserable and kick him if she met him. I am really confused on what to do. She moved out on mothers day to a house and I live with my oldest daughter. I still do stuff for her when she needs it.

  2. RCR,
    You said that you don't recommend No Contact early in the MLC. Please explain how you define "early" in the MLC.

    • Well, it does vary, but 1.5 to 2 years is beyond early and early is 12 months and can be up to 15 or 18 depending on the individual MLCer and situational dynamics.
      It doesn't mean No Contact should not be used in early MLC beyond the Time Limit type for space and healing, it means that I do not recommend it as general advice. I have recommended it, but only as specific advice when I know some details of the unique situation. But taking advice and applying it across all situation can be dangerous which is why I am hesitant about No Contact. It needs to be something applied with care and understanding of what it means.

  3. My husband has been living with this other woman, co worker, since he left a year & 1/2 ago. He has no contact with me or the kids. Has even signed custody of his minor daughter away. He wont answer our calls or texts and wont except calls through work unless is an emergency. He acts like our 22 year marriage never happened and has moved on with this other woman. Doesn't want us to know where he lives or anything else about him. I'm confused, is he really having a mlc and if he is, will he ever want contact? I still love him and want him back, but I just don't know.

    • It sounds like he is a Distant Contacter. That often means you will not see all of the obvious signs and antics that people stereotype with MLC. It doesn't mean all the signs are not there, but with distant contact you just may not be able to observe them.
      As for whether he will contact, I can never say for certain, but in general I think Distant Contacters may take longer before contacting–they may progress further through the crisis and significant or connective contact may even be years later when they are feeling greater regret.

      • Even though my soon to be ex is still with this woman and has been since he left, should I try to contact him myself to help in possibly paving the way. Or should I just continue with him not wanting any contact with me and not try to contact him at all?

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  5. My husband seems to be a Vanisher/Distant Contacter (more Vanisher) and lives with our friend. I’ve contacted him in person, twice in the past 2 months. Several emails and texts–no reply. BD 4 months ago. Obviously, he doesn’t want to know anything about what is going on with the house, bills, etc. What to do?

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  7. What about when there are kids involved? I’m primary caregiver of our son and see him more than my husband. I’ve gone dim only talking about our son and it seems to confuse my husband a bit when I end the calls first with no small talk. Last week I decided not to call our son at my husband’s place to say goodnight on the weekend nights as hes five and isn’t into the phone anyway. This weekend H seemed to mimic me in my actions which is odd because he doesnt see our son as often and loves calling our son. I even normally get a text from him telling me that he wont be calling if hes busy, but this time nothing. Is this a mimicing thing he’s doing toward me back in some MLC response?

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