In the beginning I was told it is best (not easier) with the MLCer in the home. As time went on I came to disagree with this idea as a universal truth. When someone is in a public affair, flaunting and taunting their spouse, that spouse needs to set boundaries which include separate living, and often No-Contact, flaunting and taunting about infidelity is a form of abuse.
I believe that it can work well in the beginning when the MLCer is home and can experience your changes, but in MLC this will be temporary as MLCers become worse and abuse escalates. Standing Actions build a foundation for a later return. But there is a threshold where it becomes co-dependent or enabling if they remain in the home–a public affair quickly moves over that threshold. Other behaviours depend on the spouse as to whether they approach or cross the threshold. If you are able to detach and I’m sorry you feel that way him and go about your business, you are doing fine with him in the home. But this does not mean you will stop the MLC and the behavior will improve; your MLCer will try to find your weak spot whether through niceness and placation or anger and threats. If the treatment and behavior cross your threshold of abuse and your MLCer makes no efforts to move out and you do not initiate action to kick him out, you become an enabler who lives on the doormat in footprint patterned clothing. But in most situations the MLCer will initiate the escape.
Most male MLCers leave the home and female MLCers are split–some leave and some kick out their husband. Stay in your home! If you have already left and it is early there may be a future opportunity when you can move back; if this opportunity arises and you return, stay there; the person who wants out of the marriage should be the one who leaves.
If the situation has not crossed the abuse threshold, it is still important that your MLCer initiate leaving, it is not a topic which you need to initiate even if you are asking when or if rather than saying get out–the same is true regarding the topic of divorce. MLCers are not consequence oriented and many have not considered divorce and will be shocked when you mention it, others while not considering it yet will begin thinking about it once you plant the seed.
Since the message is out there that it is better with your MLCer at home, many Standers feel they are failing when they are unable to prevent their MLCer from leaving and go to desperate measures to keep them at home. Though you may have learned that begging and pleading is negative and will backfire, it seems a like a no-win situation; that is because this is a battle that you are not meant to win. If your MLCer remains in the home the odds are high that you will acquire a footprint patterned wardrobe and the abuse will increase, if your MLCer leaves, you risk that there will not be a future return. Ask yourself how much you like footprints on clothing and how that will make you feel; the relationship will not be a healthy marriage and cannot become a healthy marriage until you can be free to go through the crisis. So what do you do when he wants to leave? How do you react or respond? If you call the possible bluff and sit back and let him act or procrastinate–YAY! If you beg and plead or do things that actively prevent your MLCer from making a decision or taking action, you are holding a gun to his head and this will only make the crisis worse. Respond to I’m leaving threats by shrugging your shoulders in an indifferent way and say, I’ll miss you, then do nothing to help or hinder.
Have you been wondering if you should leave your house or kick your MLCer out?
Have you considered initiating divorce proceedings?
Is that what you want or were you thinking of initiating those actions because you think that will either get your spouse to reconsider or feel the consequences or because you think that’s what you are supposed to do?
What can you do now to help yourself prepare for all possibilities?
Your MLCer may leave.
Your MLCer may start or already be involved in an affair.
Your MLCer may file for divorce—or threaten to file.
So what can you do now that will both Pave the Way home for your MLCer while also protecting and preparing your Self?
Post your ideas and get the discussion started or help keep it going!