Authentic Self or Midlife Crisis?No Comments

  1. I always get a new article at the right moment; at the moments that I doubt. I'm already standing for more than four years, thanks to you I understand his crisis, I grow, I do self-reflection, I enjoy the little things in life, I STAND,… but just when I miss my husband and our three kids the most (we live seperately, not divorced) I got a mail from you. It feels good that someone understands me, because a real midlife crisis is hard to explain to others. THANK YOU VERRY MUCH.

  2. So are you saying it is possible that a MLCer could be really pursuing his true self? I was with you, until you talked about sometimes someone can be pursuing their true self and others are left behind and hurt, because change hurts. As if that's legitimate. I ask, because my husband left after 30 years. He said all those things, about being becoming his true self that he felt he never was able to, before. He now lives with a woman who is career obsessed, like he is. They are very much into self help, motivational speaking, etc. they want to change the world. He had never asked me to go to counseling, never told me he was unhappy, or anything. He just had an affair, and told me he had been unhappy for years. ( the woman he is with now is not the same woman) I was shocked, and 4 years later, still am. He does seem to self reflect, but rarely takes any blame. He says we just don't have " synergy". He doesn't seem to understand why me and our kids are heartbroken. He seems disconnected from our lives and memories. He is numb to it all. At times he seems to care about me, or even miss me. ( he just bought me over 100 dollars worth of birthday gifts). But Sometimes he appears at peace, and sometimes he seems sad or stressed. Anyway, I continue to pray for him and am standing until God tells me to stop. I just wanted to ask if you really feel a man is pursuing his true self, or bliss, by leaving his wife of 30 years. Couldn't he do that with me??

    • It sounds like he is TRYING to pursue his authentic self, but he took a wrong turn. Sure, some (not all), MLCers genuinely believe they are following their bliss–others know they are using that as an excuse. But what those who truly believe don't realize is that they are being misguided.
      As for my comment about change hurting and someone who is on an authentic path of bliss may still hurt others–though with less deliberation or intention, think of a situation more removed from that we speak of here. Think about a young couple in college who have been dating for 6 years–since high school. They then break up and the split is unilateral. This feels devastating–and for many just as devastating is it has felt for us when it happens in our longer and more mature marriages, but maybe the relationship was not ready for the next stages, maybe each individual had different paths–though they may not be aware, maybe one or both were sacrificing too much of their dream self in order to be in the relationship and make it permanent. But when one of those young lovers breaks up–even nicely–with the other, there is hurt.
      For another example consider Dolly Parton. She wrote "I Will Always Love You" for Porter Wagoner when she was splitting from their professional partnership. Was he hurt? I don't know. Did he hurt even if he did not take it personally, maybe. Was Dolly Parton wrong for splitting from him if he was hurt?
      Sometimes we end one thing so that we can progress and start something more beautiful or so that we can come into our next path of beauty–which is not more than the previous, but in tune with the present life path.

  3. Thanks for your reply. I guess I just see those examples as completely different than a marriage. I think it's sin and selfishness, not true self. What life could be " beautiful" if it involves walking out on a wife who loves you, breaking your kids' hearts and going against God's word. I just don't ever see that as ok. I can't believe they will find peace and joy. Why would leaving your spouse result in finding a beautiful life? I believe that's what he thinks. I just see nothing beautiful in that. I don't believe God will bless that.

    • Those examples are completely different, that is why I made them. I wanted examples that could be vied more subjectively. So when I was talking about others getting hurt when someone pursues their true self I was speaking globally and not only of left behind spouses.

  4. I agree with you Lisa. In a marriage there are vowels ( for better for worse till death do us part), it is a covenant not a contract. A covenant with God, it is not to be broken. It is totally selfish to leave a wife and children to pursue your own self gratification. You not only are in a covenant with God and your wife but you have brought children into the world and you now owe it to them to get happy and make that marriage work. You put your happiness above your wife and children. What kind of parent puts their happiness above their childrens.

  5. Hi an interesting read – the bullet points at the end though I'm not sure which way to take them . My h says he knows he is hurting his family but still has to escape and start afresh – at times of crying he shows remorse by saying he wishes he could change things but he can't he has chosen a path but can't go back. He told his sister everything was his fault – again in an emotional state – but when he is not emotional he continues to blame me – his job – his life – his children and needs to escape from it all and go to ow – is this normal mlc then as my counsellor says it is ?

    • He is not yet showing remorse–what you are seeing is more likely to be shame and guilt. Recognizing that what you are doing hurts others does not make it remorse.

  6. Thanks rollercoasterider – I get confused about if it is mlc or my h just not loving me anymore-

    After 30 years he seemed to have a personality change of dressing like our sons – hating looking in mirrors- depressed about his age – fearing death- wanted to change his life completely – left home children family job to live with ow – ex girlfriend of years ago. Gave her a substantial sum of money ad felt like a superhero.

    Has left to live with her but told me he feels "we" are broken but he will always love me – still texts me and asks how I am and that he will always care- calls me darling on texts and wants to meet me for a drink – gets very emotional or angry "short fuse" – I just wasn't sure reading the above what was applicable to MLC – he doesn't seem to care about his actions for most of the time whilst his doing them and then as I said seems to recognise when emotional – but now understand this is probably guilt/shame as you suggested. He moved to ow three weeks ago and told our son he now feels a lot better ( hurtful) but I believe it is honeymoon period – demons will be back x

  7. There is a vast difference between a long relationship and marriage covenant. Our spouse’s are blinded by Satan, therefore the grass looks green. If God did not build the house,they are building in vain. In Gods time He will uproot that non covenant relationship, even if it leads to marriage. Keep standing and trusting God. God hates divorce. Let no man take asunder what God has joined together. I am waiting for six years. Abraham waited longer on Isaac. We must grow and trust Him for restoration. He will keep His promises.

  8. A long term relationship cannot be compared to marriage. Nothing more beautiful can be achieved by abandoning your family and vows. What God joined together let no man take asunder. Things may appear to be rosy for now, but if God did not build the house, they are building in vain. It is only a matter of time. God has His axe ready, for the trees that were not planted by Him, He will chop it out and burn it in the fire. A relationship that started as an affair does not have God’s blessing, it cannot bear good fruit. Stand for your marriage, even if your spouse enter @ non covenant marriage. God is on the side of the righteous. He is no man that He would lie. He says ‘I hate divorce. God is against divorce, our spouse’s are blinded by Satan, prayer will break the chains. Never give up

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