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I Love You But I’m Not In-Love With You6 Comments

  1. Hi,
    Can you please share more about your hyper-bonding experience. I am in the thick of this at the moment 5 ½ months after bomb drop. I have heard it referred to also as Hysterical Bonding. I, too have lost about 40 pounds since Bomb Drop and have become desirable to my 43yr old MLCer. I had also heard the 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' statement during his affair.
    Thankyou,
    Vicki

  2. It took my husband months to actually mouth something like these words to me (after the affair was revealed) but there were definite hints that sent my internal radar into spin mode. Then, just after he said he was "done" and didn't want to be married anymore, he sat on our stairs and said, "I don't hate you; I like you. I love you– in some ways."

    That just made me laugh inwardly! How nice that he liked me after 40 years together, 35 years of marriage, and 4 great kids!

    That night, I went into the master bedroom where he was sleeping, from the spare bedroom where I was sleeping and said, "Do you realize you said you 'LIKE' me?"

    Later during the breakup, when he was living in an apartment, he said, "I love you as much as I ever did."

    I suppose that meant he would have done this to me at any time in our relationship? Talk about cycling!

    It was actually his statement that "perhaps we weren't a good fit from the start" that started me searching "mid-life crisis affair." Prior to that I had researched "affair recovery" and "perimenopause" so see why I was having emotional breakdowns constantly.

    Anyway…. I did divorce him, but I'm still standing for a future together. I really had no choice because there were circumstances that would cause harm to not only me but my mother and others. I consider it a piece of paper that allows me to detach while I need to. I am very kind to him when he contacts me. I contact him only when absolutely necessary. He feels close enough to me to still crab about how our children "hate him." Meanwhile, he's started his "new life" with the alienator and her 3 young children.

    I walk on the beach and cycle on my bike, instead of with him, to heal. A little over a year ago, I wanted to die. (not suicidal, just hoping for a plane crash or something) I never imagined I would feel that way in my life– ever. Now I'm back to my old, happy, growing self, hoping to be surprised by a visit one day when he comes on out of his fog and the hole he's dug himself into.

    Thank you so much for this site. It truly put me on the path to recovery and sanity!

  3. My husband’s line was “our marriage is over; the feelings I had for you died; are gone”.
    And since it had happened to him, the power was in his hands. It was not because I had done this or that – although it was because of things that happened when I was single that he became very angry about.

    Almost four years have gone by since bomb drop and little over 3 for having left home, and he always says to everybody that I am a great woman, mother, worker… everything.

    In fact it is not about losing desire. He has told me that he feels attracted sexually . That was two years into MLC. I see it sometimes when he looks at me and I imagine that is what is responsible for an awkward physical contact on goodbyes or hellos.

    I have my own life and never take the initiative in contacting him, although we have some businesses we need to share information about. I find it strange that he needs to check on me and how I am even on Saturdays and Sundays when there are no business issues. He uses some excuses, like our grown up daughter, some travel I make, or just something he wants to share with me.

    After 4 years he has lived on is own, with the alienator for 4 months in total for two occasions and he is back on his own at a beach resort close to his family. This summer I will spend 10 days vacation at the beach, in my SIL caravan (we have always been good friends) and he told her that he would even invite me to stay at his place but he fears that I will see that as him getting close to me.
    I know I will not go to his place. But I think he feels responsible for me having company during my vacation for he suggested I would take vacation at the same time as our daughter so that I could go out with her. I will not do it either. It is hers and her boyfriends vacation and I will nor impose myself to them. I am fine, on my own.

    I don’t know what to think about that. How do you see his actions and conversation to his sister?

    Luiza

  4. My husband left after confronted with cheating and said ” I love you but I’m not in love with you” heartbreaking to say the least. Two months of pure agony. He has returned home and said he never stopped loving me but the sweet affection I always got from him is gone. No more sweet texts no more initiating sex only me. In fear all the time about him leaving me again. How should I preceed. I feel he is in MLC big time. At this stage what’s the right thing for the stander.

  5. After nearly 30 years of being together, the love of my life and best friend “Dropped the Bomb”. He still said he loves me but his behavior is the opposite. For my first five months of this, I have been lost, trying to find answers, attentive as usual… I had instinctively done nearly everything on the don’t do list:
    – Tryied to reason with your MLCer to stay
    Pointing out all the changes I made from his list of complaints
    – immediately after, I commented to my adult children that his poor behavior may be a midlife crisis or something”… Trying to reason this out loud. He grilled them both and one said that I thought it could be MLC – of course he went off on me.
    – I try not to discuss the alienator, but oddly enough, he talks to me about her CONSTANTLY. Alienator does this, alienator does that. She is so great… She is just a friend. I want you to meet Alienator (which I did) then it changed to “I want to have my own friends and not share them with you.. of course this was with the Alienator, who he works with goes out out with after work regularly.
    – He put a timeline on himself to make a decision.. which I think is unfair. He had been trying to hide this for about 7 months and I had kept asking what was wrong, trying to help and got ” oh, nothing”. Then i get this miniscule “time line”. I countered with potential “Exit Plan” in case he did decide to go. This shocked him but I felt like I needed a something stable. He withdrew his timeline which only put me in limbo. Ugh
    – We still do things together and when he is dialed in, we both have a great time. We still had a great vacation together!

    I read this article, and decided nothing I was doing was helping. I took a step back this past Tuesday and told him that I was here if he needed me, that I love him very much but needed to work on me. I told him to go out whenever and with whomever (I never really restricted – this he something he feels / imagined) etc.
    The first thing he did was take the Alienator to a place I had asked we go to for YEARS but he didn’t show any interest in, then proceeded to tell me all about it. WTF. I talked to him about the place just last week. I did not react, a calm ” that’s nice” but this is a big Ouch. Intentional or not?

    I feel like the only control I have is what I take. I don’t want to split, so I am tolerating his behavior for now and decided to focus on me.

    Getting whiplash. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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