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Is My Situation an Exception to Standing? – And Other Questions7 Comments

  1. After much reading up on MLC and psychology in general, I learned that my MLCer suffered from an Adult Attachment Disorder likely brought on by early childhood abandonment. MLC was then tenably triggered by that and two close deaths in the family, one a sad and brutal murder. The alienator is her narcissistic, abusive ex of over thirty years.

    Useful to me was discovering how choosing a partner often works and my part in that dance. Particularly helpful was studying this site, The Drama Triangle, MBTI Personality Traits, and reading The Invisible Partners by John Sanford. I now feel that overvaluing relationships is often the root cause of much needless personal suffering. MLC can be an opportunity for all to discover their true self – though I realize everyone's situation is different.

    Lately, one personal inspiration is found in music especially Jessie J's lyrics, "It's okay not to be okay. Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are…" and "I still fall on my face sometimes and I can't color inside the lines 'cause I'm perfectly incomplete. I'm still working on my masterpiece…" I encourage anyone, wherever you are in the MLC journey, to get educated, find your own personal inspiration no matter the situation and always be kind to yourself.

  2. what about when the affair lasts over 6 years, and has been out in the open for 5 and living together for that long…is that still considered "infatuation"? is it still an affair or now a relationship that will likely last. we are still married. he talks, sometimes, about "moving things along", not ever specifying separation or divorce, but is this likely to continue on?

    • This is an excellent question.
      First, there really aren't exceptions to Standing because it's a personal choice and some Stand even if they are certain their MLCer won't return–they are basically Covenenat Keepers, though they will not use that term if their Stand is not religious.
      But you really want to know if Standing is worth it with the goal of reconciliation and that depends somewhat on how you have been handling your situation: Truth Darts, Communicating your Stand…
      In general, is an affair that has lasted in public for 6 years no longer in infatuation and is it likely to last?
      No, though perhaps the odds are better for it lasting than the affair that is only 1-2 years old. And there are no guarantees, my step mother is still married to the OM and if he lives until next Valentine's Day it will be there 30 year aniversary–and I call the OM 'Daddy.' (He has terminal Cancer which is why he may not make it to February).
      In your situation I am more curious about what you have done and said during the 6 years. Does he think you are accepting of the affair and just indifferent regarding legalizing your divorce? Or does he know you are Standing?
      Being cordial is important, but have you been so nice and seemingly accepting that he feels no guilt? Or is it the opposite and you have been so angry and blaming that he wants nothing to do with you and sees her as a better option?
      Or it could be none of those.
      When he talks about moving things along, do you ask him to be more specific–use the word divorce?
      As a Stander I would have commented back that it certainly was time to move things along and get rid of her so he can get back to repairing our marriage–though that was something that I would have been able to say because that sort of communication was an established part of our dynamics and my Stand. That is not something someone can say out of the blue.

  3. thank you for your quick response! for the most part, i've stayed out of his way. throughout the past five years, i've left him to his life. whenever he initially mentioned "moving on" – in the first 2 years, i would tell him it's not what i want, i want to work on our marriage, but that i wouldn't stand in his way. and a few times earlier on, he referred to that as a reason why things haven't "moved on", as he calls it, because i didn't want that. around the 2.5 year mark, he made an attempt to return but i believe he either quickly realized he didn't want to come back or it was a ruse to get me to leave my home – him trying to oust me. he returned to her and waffled between kindness and helpfulness and downright meaness. since that time, i went dim, never initiating any contact and only responding to important matters. would chit chat about insignificant things during pick ups and drop offs but mostly i would just not be available to chat. when things would set him off, usually because of me GALing, he'd pick fights and then threaten to sell the house and get "things done". during these times and up until my last face to face interaction with him, my response has been that his anger has been misdirected, that any feelings of being 'screwed financially' or otherwise are all consequences of the choices that he's made and that i had never wanted any of it, that i wanted to work on our marriage but that he chose not to. he really is still so angry with me.
    most recently (a month and a half ago) he just showed up without any notice (generally because i make myself scarce when i know he's coming), worked himself into a frenzy about how i do nothing and take care of nothing, let the house go (not at all true) and stating that he's finally "talked to someone" and that i need to get my things in order (paperwork) because i'll be getting an email from his lawyer that week. he was so unnecessarily mean and hurtful (i didn't show in anyway that i was that affected but i was) that i wrote a letter stating that that was the last time we would speak face to face. everything was to be by email (text if emergency) and concern only our child and the house…everything else could be taken care of through our lawyers. within a few days of receiving the letter, he called from the doorstep (wasn't aware that he was that close – i didn't answer) and then came right in looking for mail. i answered very briefly and removed myself. i feel he's reached volatile levels and is now firmly at a point of no return – mostly because he "seems" so invested in his life now (i believe she is now wearing an engagement ring). however, i have yet to hear from any lawyer.
    when speaking about three months ago, he brought up that he felt like i had emotionally left the marriage long before he did which i responded that it wasn't true. i could see he was struggling and would ask him to tell me what was wrong but he always just responded that he was tired. he said it the same way every time so i mimicked (not in a sarcastic way) how he'd say it, hoping he'd at least remember that. how can one person help another when the other won't even admit there's a problem? i went on to say that i loved my family, would not have left and wanted to fight for it but that i did feel as though i was always on the outside looking in. he said he didn't know i felt that way. but left it at that – in a way that seemed very "makes no difference now". he mentioned "moving on" and i specifically asked what he meant by that "do you mean SEPARATION?". he just stared at me. he told me that it would likely mean us ending up hating each other, to which i replied "if you end up hating me over this, it's something i'll have to live with". i guess the depression is ongoing and i guess i didn't relay my stand very well initially. i've detached quite well but wonder if maybe i have too well. he has never used the word "divorce". i guess i just wonder if this is the new normal. my son's parents "moving on" as strangers. thank you so much for your input.

  4. Hello,
    This entire MLC fiasco is still mind blowing to me…
    I really have no clue what my husband is doing. He has even gone so far as to now have me his WIFE in court pressing charges for harassing his "GIRLFRIEND" What…. Yes, you read correctly. The madness just does not seem to have an end in sight. He moved out leaving myself and 5 girls here as if that was just alright. He is having an affair with his partner from work, he actually looked me in the face a few weeks ago and adamantly stated that he has "Never Cheated" on me. Last time I checked we are still married and it has not even been three full months since he moved out. He has gone out and brought my dream car the Lexus RX300, they went on vacation together about two weeks ago meanwhile I am here with our daughters Struggling. They are now both livid because I contacted the job and they have been reprimanded severely and are no longer allowed to work together the nature of their job they are very close and spend A LOT of private time together so that was nipped in the bud immediately, thankfully. She is fully aware that he is married and has daughters she knows me and I asked her face to face was there anything between them before it spiraled into all of this and she assured me "NO" I found text messages that she sent him scripted to assist him in telling our daughters that he was leaving I mean this is a total disaster and my Awesome MLC Husband almost gave word for word. I kept saying this does not even sound like you what are you saying / doing, of course I get a blank stare then eventually "you just don't understand" then I yell then Help me understand… The exposure that they are getting at the job I can say is really getting to them. I will not stop, I will make each day MISERABLE for the two of them. Our daughters have pretty much cut him off and because they are all teenagers, our oldest is a college sophomore they see everything and they too have spoken to her asking how are you alright being a woman knowing you are the reason we do not have a relationship with our father she basically does not care… I can not understand how a couple can be together for 23 years, our 19th wedding anniversary is next week and he acts as if never was married and has never loved me, let him tell it these were the worst 19 years of his life. It is so hurtful. I honestly do love my husband and believe in the covenant. This is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.

    • Hello I feel your devastation, my husband left me with 2 girls. He also acted as if I harassed him and the other person. He moved out for 3 months this Summer. I used this website along with Rejoice Marriage Ministries , to heal myself from the anger. It is a work in progress.
      My girls are watching my reactions. He has returned home actually 3 weeks ago. But this is the real work on the covenant of marriage. It is possible. You are not alone.

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