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The Affair: How Does One Eliminate the Temptation?8 Comments

    • Chuck is busy fixing the garbage disposal, but I will talk with him about this tonight and see if he has any insight.
      My answer is that they do feel guilty for both–Chuck certainly did!. That was what made it all so difficult; it was a double bind in which both paths hurt someone.

      So the question becomes why do they then select the path that leads to the alienator?
      Because they feel they've already failed on the other path—since in most cases of MLC they have been married for 1- or 20+ years.
      I also want to say that they give attention to the path of the person who is guilting them (using Emotional Blackmail) the most. But this may not be true in the beginning because at that time the alienator is the fantasy and Emotional Blackmail has not yet become the force of entrapment. In th beginning it is the left behind spouse who may be using Emotional Blackmail in their shock and desperation, but since the MLCer already feels they have failed with that spouse; this beg-n-pleading is a repulsive force that validates the MLCer's decision to escape.

  1. My H has been saying throughout this crisis that he feels guilty, alternating with "he's overcome that guilt", then going back to he's tired of feeling guilty (for having left me/us), and had said that he wanted to divorce because he was tired of feeling guilty. I no longer tell him anything about what is happening at home, as he says that I'm just trying to make him feel guilty, and he gets angry if the children tell him how they feel, saying that they are treating him badly. I do not know if he feels any guilt with regard to OWs, as there have been a number. Latest one has a stronger hold and makes a big deal out of being his girlfriend, from what little I know. Resisted emotional blackmail with first OW (ended it), now with this one started divorce thing again. Seems he needs a someone else to make that decision.

  2. The info about living apart from H after he leaves OW is on my mind and a good idea. 5 months ago my H left OW after living with her for 2 years. But he moved in with his sister and family. Getting spoiled like crazy. They do everything for him. Cook, clean, wash clothes, being there for him, etc. etc. He is having fun there. So in that case, Is it the same? Can he/we accomplish the same thing if he is not on his own? And of course to make sure he has that year living apart from OW. And what if he still sees other woman, and I just don't find out?

    • Living on their own is not the point and purpose of the living apart; the only purpose is about it being a time between relationships. If he is continuing to have relationships during that period and you are unaware, there is nothing you can do about it. Do you suspect? Is this separation something he feels is an officially transition toward coming home–so part of a reconciliation process? If so, are the two of you in counseling together? What is he doing to rebuild your trust?
      Chuck was home for a year–all of 2007–and he resumed the affair soon after moving home but this time he kept it secret. So I did not know he was still in an affair. But he was also not really doing anything that would rebuild my trust–he just wasn't also doing anything to unbuild. I did not suspect the affair was still going on, but I was also not shocked when I discovered it was. That was different than our time apart after he ended the affair. We were in counseling and he was seeming more trustworthy and helping to build my trust. It's hard to think of specific actions and things he did to label and name because when I try it comes out more as the energy was different. He seemed more stable, whereas in 2007 he had still been an MLCer in moods and so that year I did not once think his MLC was over, but in 2009 (I moved to help Gram at Thanksgiving 2008) he felt stable to me.
      You may or may not accomplish as much since he is also being spoiled by his sister and that may or may not be something that shows itself until you are living together again. That is a reason you need to be in counseling now–before living together again.

  3. My H had an EA which I discovered in May 09 (not sure how long it had been going on for but I suspect less than 2 months). I found out because she moved overseas and his grief bubbled to the surface. I asked him to cut contact but he never actually said he would. I discovered in the Oct that he had continued contact whilst falling back in love with me. I was furious and he was worried about losing me. He promised to 'fix this' but that amounted to nothing really. In the following July (2010), he told me that he had actually continued contact with the OW until the Dec 09 (huge risk). Their last contact had been a phone call he had made to her in which he said 'you are going to have to tell me to f–k off because I can't stop this'. She told him that she wouldn't do that so it became his decision to end it. H eventually left home in Jan 13 and started a PA with a different person and people are now asking me how I will ever trust him again. When you described Chuck as having a different energy when he was more stable, I knew exactly what you meant because this is what I am looking for and I am confident I will know it when I see it.

  4. Pingback: What if the Affair Starts Again? | Love AnyWay

  5. why do they leave and destroy a goo family/marriage. It's been 5 years and since he began all this he has divorced me. When will all this maddness end? He hates paying alimony but gives me extra only to put me down publicly on facebook. He ignores me and says he hates me. I don't understand because I feel love in my heart for him. I just wish I knew when the heartache would end and he would come back.

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