- Hope, Expectations & Probability Part I
- Hope, Expectations & Probability Part II
You should already know not to link Hope with Expectation, but what about probability? Are you linking hope with probability so that if the odds of marital recovery are low your hope is low and if the odds are high, your hope is high? By odds I mean some set of general statistical data. Technically I don’t have that sort of data, but suppose it was out there and that 20% of MLC marriage recovered. What would that mean?
The overall divorce rate is 40-some percent. But if you divide married couples into groups, the rates vary.
- Odds of divorce are higher for those who marry under 25.
- Odds of divorce are lower if the partners come from intact families—their parents did not divorce.
- There is a current trend for higher divorce rates among those without college degrees.
- Odds are higher if you cohabitate with your spouse before marriage.
The same is true of the general population of MLC marriages. There are different subgroups with different odds.
- Standers vs. Kick’em to the Curbers
- Standers who learn about Standing vs. Standers who have no support or resources
- LBSs who detach & Self-Focus vs. LBSs who hold pity parties
- Lurkers vs. Forum Particpants
And what about the types of MLCers? Might there be a difference in recovery rates between
- High vs. Low-Energy
- Number of alienators
- Clinging Boomerangs vs. Boomerangs vs. In-n-Outs vs. Vanishers
- Severity of Family of Origin and other historical issues
And what about the alienator?
- Degree of Affair Down
- Degree of Emotional Blackmail
And what about the MLCer’s support system…how much encouragement from family and friends (not new MLC friends) is the MLCer getting to leave the marriage?
- Family supporting MLC and infidelity vs. unsupportive
- Relationship between in-laws and LBS
This website is unique. Most people do not choose to Stand and the resources and support for Standing are thus limited. So if you include all those kick’em to the curb LBSs, you probably will come up with more divorces than reconciliations. But what about those who don’t kick’em to the curb, but also do not find this website or other resources and support. They don’t learn what to do, how to detach, the why’s of MLC and how’s of infidelity. Maybe their reconciliation rate is higher than the kick’em to the curb group, but it may still be low. Those two groups are most people. Those of you reading this are statistically insignificant, but your rates of reconciliation should still be higher than for the other two groups; that just seems logical.
But now let’s factor in the midlife range of 2-7 years. Suppose most situations show the first (tiny) signs of recovery at 3 years. Now don’t run with that number, I’m just pulling it out of nowhere to use as an example. But suppose at 4.5 years you aren’t seeing those same signs. What are your thoughts?
My MLCer is really gone.
And maybe that will be true. But if you are basing a significant portion of that thought on the situations of other Standers, you are letting someone else’s situation control your thoughts, fears and even your outcome.
How many people are going to Stand for 4 years with little to no signs of progress—or no signs after initial cycling in the first months after Bomb Drop? The longer the time since Bomb Drop, the more likely a Stander is to Fall Down or Sit Down—they are done. Should their actions affect your odds?
No, and yet they do because many of you are basing Hope for your situation on the reconciliation of others. I get it, really I do. We want to know that what we are doing is possible and seeing other marriages recover is that evidence. Many—men possibly more than woman—want to use that when determining whether to Stand or not. What’s the risk, will I be wasting my time?
I’m not even writing this to urge you to keep Standing. Stand for you, for what you want and base your decision to Stand or to Stop Standing on what you want and need, not what is or has happened in someone else’s situation. Think about some of the purposes of Standing and then determine if it’s worth the risk.
- Standing as a Grace Period
Instead of making a decision to end your marriage now, put that on hold while your MLCer goes through the MLC tunnel and you heal.
- Standing as a Healer and Teacher
The actions necessary for Standing are relationship teachers. You have been going through the process of healing and repair so that you do not repeat the relationship mistakes you may have made previously. … Communicating with an MLCer–or a non-MLC walk-away spouse–with the intent of rebuilding and healing teaches you how to handle your next relationship. It forces you to look at yourself and find where you need to make changes.
(From Article: Why Stand?)