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Hope, Expectations & Probability Part II3 Comments

  1. Thanks for this article RCR! This finally hit home for me:
    "Stand for you, for what you want and base your decision to Stand or to Stop Standing on what you want and need, not what is or has happened in someone else’s situation."

    I am in nealry 4 years, 3 since BD. I admit I have certainly thought my mlc'er is really gone. We are divorced and that has not helped with my feelings and watching others sitch's. But This quote really helped me…it put it into a better perspective for me. I can stand for me…because I believe my mlc'er isn't right..he just isn't right. I can do it because" I " feel so strongly.
    I want my mlc'er to come home one day…to hopefully have a new marriage.I can stand for that. I need to have this family repaired and brought together..it is the right thing to do.
    Thanks so much…this has really lifted my spirits today.

  2. Thank you for this post. I have struggled with standing. My h has not divorced me, although he attempted to file once, and then finally did. When we got right down to it and our lawyers hammered out an agreement, all he had to do was file the agreement, but instead he came home, stayed a few days, and then went back to the alienator. I am married but in really no way other than a financial partnership. I feel so stupid, but I just can't give up hope for reconciliation, and at the same time, I can't stop mixing the hope with expectation. But another part of me keeps telling me that I need to be a grown-up and accept that he is not coming back, I need to buck up and swallow the reality and move on. Almost 4 years on, I still feel like someone took a razor blade and sliced my insides. And I admit to wondering some people who have reconciled are more deserving of that than me. Lately I have really started to feel my anger at what my husband did to me and to us, and I feel I'm broken beyond repair. I think the decision to stand or stop standing will depend on what I need to do to put myself back together. Yet I agree with Sideways, that my h just isn't right … I pray for his well being and healing, but I am not sure what to do to achieve my own.

    • MaryAnn,
      Linking Hope with expectation is normal even if it’s one of those things you need to learn to unlink. It’s hard because let’s face it, they are related ideas.
      Maybe what you need to do is accept that he might not come home while simultaneously accepting that it remains a possibility–remember probability is not the same thing.
      As for moving on, yes you need to to that. People think it means to stop Standing, but moving on is really just about continuing to live your life for the present rather than keeping ytourself stuck in some sort of this-is-temporary limbo.
      A Stander’s skill at Standing is not what will recover their marriage. It can help, but a Stander might be perfect, doing everything right for her or his situation and still the MLCer chooses to not return. Perfection won’t save a marriage.
      Feeling your anger is a good thing–especially after 4 years and feeling it is part of how you will repair yourself. It sounds like you’ve been focusing on the victim side–you describe newbie pain and feeling broken beyond repair. Well, your anger can guide you through that to the next phase of recovery if you let it. Once you become confident and assured in who you are and your power int leading a fulfilled life, you will be at a place where you can decide whether to continue Standing.
      To achieve your healing, you need to let-go of concern for his recovery and focus on yours. He may not be ‘right,’ but he has to make himself right; you can\’t do it for him.

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