Preventing Victim-Mode

How do you deal with pushing away the feelings of resentment and not going into victim mode?
Victim-mode (Victim mentality)
When you identify yourself as being controlled by past trauma or other circumstances. You blame other people’s actions for why you can’t…

I call people who are stuck on victim-mode Can’ters. Can’ters give up their power to their circumstances. Being in victim-mode doesn’t mean you’re stuck there—not yet. Most of us have our moments and even periods of blaming circumstances. It’s hard not to when in the midst of a trauma. It becomes a problem when we stay there for extended periods—especially when the trauma is behind us. Can’ters don’t allow the trauma to get behind them; they keep it in the forefront, and may bring on more trauma—both real and imagined. I’m not talking about PTSD where a person relives their trauma; I’m talking about a decision to blame circumstances and the actions of others for your choices—actions and inactions.

But wait, the trauma is ongoing! Bomb Drop was only the beginning; I’m dealing with continuing Monster, flaunted infidelity, projection, blame, lies…
The trauma triggers are ongoing, but once you’ve been introduced to MLC as your new normal you need to accept it—accept the process of a midlife crisis—and move on from the shock that enables you to be traumatized by behaviors and circumstances that are within MLC expectations. When you have a spouse in a midlife crisis, you need to adjust your expectations. That one thing can make a big difference in your attitude and perceptions of what’s going on. If you expect the possibility and probability of bad behavior, you’ll be less likely to take it personally, be disappointed and be traumatized by it.

Can’ter Symptoms

• Feelings of being powerless
• Paranoia
  Everyone is out to get you
• Catastrophize problems
• Cling to negative memories and related emotions—anger and revenge
• Blame, Attack and Accuse
  avoid responsibility for your feelings and for helping yourself
• Denial
• Pessimistic
  Complain even when things work out
• Feed off the drama and attention from their and status as a victim

Prevent victim-mode first by validating it—acknowledge and accept that a wrong was done to you. Victim is one of those tricky words because being a victim is real thing. Crime victim, accident victim… but the term is a label, not an identity; the problem arises when you begin to identify with the label. Something happened TO you—it’s passive. Now, make yourself the subject, not the direct object.

Pushing Away Resentment

How do you deal with pushing away the feelings of resentment and not going into victim mode?
Resentment is toxic and Left Behind Spouse’s are in a situation that breeds resentment. But what is it? Is it hatred, anger, indifference? Let’s look at what resentment is for you as an LBS dealing with a Monstering MLCer in an affair or a depressed MLCer who doesn’t communicate, but is happy for you to do their laundry.

Resentment
Bitter indignation at real or perceived unfairness along with a double bind of living with what you consider unacceptable due to your hope for your spouse and marriage.

As an LBS you may feel forced into living with and even accepting what is unacceptable in order to save your marriage. In pursuit of reconciliation, you may suppress your feelings and words. Be gracious, kind, offer praises and compliments and show that you are happy to see them. That’s what I’ve said, right? And you read that and want to scream at me too.

Okay, I can try to be nice, but praise the guy who’s Monstering at me? I’m not happy! Are you effing kidding?

Point taken.

Resentment breeds on silence and suppression. You’re being nice—or trying to be nice—and kind to someone who is screaming at you, blaming you for everything that has gone wrong in the world, and flaunting their public affair. Occasionally you may see glimpses of the real person trapped inside the monster and these keep you on track as a Stander, but the abuse is causing you emotional damage. This is why I feel that there are times it’s not only acceptable, but necessary to vent in Bitch-Mode. Standing for your marriage does not mean you’re putting up with the abuse and bad behavior. Bitch-Mode may be a result of boundary crossings

Resentment is a choice that invites victim-mode because it’s the self-pitied whine of life’s unfairness. The antibodies to resentment area acceptance and forgiveness, but as I talk about next, it’s not that easy.

Redirecting

What can you do? How do you prevent victim-mode or get out of it and how do you push away resentment? I’m going to give you a short list of things to do, but first I want you to know that this is a really annoying list. Everything on it is valid and these are even some of the same type of things I’ve been advising you already that are about being kind, gracious.

Simple Strategies for Letting Go of Resentment

• Practice forgiveness
• Practice gratitude
• Release grudges
• Own your feelings
• Identify and accept responsibility for your part
• Accept your inability to control others
• Compassion and empathy

The problem with this list is that it gives you more to do without a how. Now you need to figure out how to forgive, practice gratitude…

Wrong was done to you, now what are you going to do about it? Not what is someone else going to do; if someone else does something to break you, it’s still your job to fix yourself. Change is possible. Start by redirecting your thoughts. How do you do that? It certainly takes more than just pithy advice to practice forgiveness!

You need to calm your mind and body—relax. Your body is in a state of stress, tension and anxiety and in this state, you cling to negativity. You need help releasing—that means that you need help getting to forgiveness and acceptance.

In my series, Redirecting and Reprogramming Thoughts and Beliefs, I review four strategies for doing this:

1. Affirmations
2. Meditation Part I and Part II
3. Hypnosis
4. Creative Visualization

Each of those is a separate post—Meditation needed two posts, but redirecting and reprogramming are not limited to those I strategies I wrote about. Here are a few more:

• Yoga
• Exercise
  Find the runner’s high
• Aromatherapy
• Acupuncture
• Journaling
• Art
• I-Ching

The difference between these and the first list (forgiveness, gratitude…) is that these redirect your thoughts away from the problem. You don’t have to think about what you’re trying to stop doing in order to stop doing it. If you must think of something in order to stop thinking of it or doing it, you have a built-in obstacle to success. How are you going to get rid of a problem by focusing on it—focusing on it is part of the problem!

This was how I was able to Stand for my marriage, keep my sanity and maintain my love for Chuck. It made the process less stressful because I was calm, in control and more confident in myself and so I was able to interact with Chuck in a way that drew him into my circle of calm. I was an attractive force due to how I was living my life, and also due to my treatment of him. You can do this too.