While reading story threads at the forum, I noticed some confusing ideas regarding Paving the Way and wanted to see how others were viewing it. I started a thread to ask for input. Here is what I asked:

• What do you think it means to Pave the Way? OR How do you define Paving the Way?
• What do you believe it entails?

I got a lot of new ideas and interpretations that I find exciting and helpful in understanding Paving the Way and taking the concept further. Paving the Way is meant to be a simple and straight forward concept, but as with so many things, it not only has multiple interpretations, but multiple aspects—some of which may even seem contrary.

• Is Paving the Way a way to control the outcome?
• Paving the Way for what or for who? Is Paving the Way for you or for reconciliation?
• Can you set boundaries and still Pave the Way? Is Paving the Way a Doormat activity?
• Does Paving the Way require that you do things with or for your spouse?
• Does Paving the Way enable Cake-Eating?
• Is it Paving the Way if you…
  • refuse contact or communication
  • refuse to do stuff
    turn them down for a date or simply refuse to meet up?
  • set boundaries?
  • kick them out?
  • argue/ challenge…
    …basically do things that seem to create or even encourage conflict or bring out Monster?

Paving the Way has two general branches: Best Self and Direct Interactions. Best Self is the branch which integrates most directly with Mirror Work and Direct Interactions is about communicating and interacting with your MLCer—positive interactions as well as handling the more challenging times such as dealing with Monster.

Is Paving the Way a Bad Idea?

That depends on how you interpret it. I completely understand how Paving the Way is construed as a bad idea when it is interpreted as a way to focus on your MLCer and what to do with them, how to contact and keep them interested in you, what they will do if you do x, y or z and how to get them to do what you want.

It seems to me that the phrase, misinterpreted in that way, promotes focusing on your MLCer and remaining attached. NOOOOOOOOOOO! This is not how what I meant. NO! NO! NO! Sorry for yelling. Basically, Paving the Way is not meant to have a Standing agenda with an end goal—even though you yourself may have such an agenda. Just be nice. Set boundaries, hold people (including yourself) accountable and do that while being nice (yes it can be like walking on a tightrope).

Controlling the Way

Is Paving the Way a way to control the outcome?
You control your outcome, your MLCer controls (and sometimes loses control of) their outcome. Paving the Way is about control in that you learn and accept that you control you and by being in control of your Self and your emotions, you are Paving. You learn to control your anger and transform your rage and hold your tongue when that is the best choice. But so often what you want are specific and direct actions for Paving the Way that will lead directly to your desired outcome. The question you want answered is How can I Pave the Way through interactions with my MLCer? I understand that; you want something with more control, but that is just not how life works and it’s a good thing, we become whole, healthy and mature adults by being responsible for ourselves, not by having others make our success for us.

Focusing on how you can Pave the Way through Direct Interactions with your MLCer is a waste. I used interactions to Pave the Way, but that was not my sole focus and I used them because they worked. My husband, secretly wanted my attention—my spousal sin was neglect, so this makes sense. He wanted to know that I deemed him important because he had not felt that prior to Bomb Drop. I love the idea of Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy, which Michele Weiner Davis introduces in her book Divorcebusting, because one of its main tenets is Do What Works. What works for me will not work for everyone and for some may be exactly what makes things worse.

For some of you, Paving the Way did give you back control and thus it’s a great comfort to many. It finally gives you something on which to focus, redirecting your focus and alleviating some of your panic and anxiety. This feeling may initially make it seem as though it’s a magic solution to your problems—WOW, I can control something! It is that if you keep that idea personal—WOW, I can control me! It’s harmful to use it to enable expectations for your desired outcome. It’s not a benefit if you deny its limitations. There is a great comfort in knowing simply that everything you need is already within you; power over yourself is something you already have.