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Accommodater

Love AnyWay Posted on April 22, 2012 by Kenda-RuthJune 4, 2019
This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Stress Coping Styles

Though Accommodation is typical of most people and necessary to a degree, Accommodaters get extra-credit, having perfected their facade. They are in many ways the direct opposite of the Antihero, building a lifestyle based on the expectations of family and society. In contrast to the Antihero, they are symptomatically covert, suppressing and denying discontent by projecting onto their immediate family or more distant and faceless outside groups; any depression will likely manifest covertly. Their investment in their image and apparent lifestyle is greater than the other types and thus they have more to lose if their persona cracks. This motivates Accommodaters to seek and maintain rigid control over all aspects of life, which generates a need for structure to maintain their facade, thereby creating an intolerance for both multiple perspectives and ambiguity. To the Accommodater there are two ways of acting, thinking and believing: their way and the wrong way. They interpret opposition and differences as a threat against their carefully built facade. They are perpetually fearful that the world will discover that they are an imposter. Their need for structure and an autocratic level of control is their defense mechanism against discovery as well as against their anxiety. They are so skilled that they convince themselves, denying and suppressing reality into deep repression, becoming numb and oblivious to the pain and discontent of themselves and those around them.

In likeness to the Antihero, the Accommodater is blind to the interiorities and interests of his wife and children. But where this is due to a self-absorptive and depressive withdrawal in the Antihero, it is a result of the Accommodater’s lack of awareness; in pursuit of structure and control they dictate their children’s lives, monitoring behavior, activities, attire, and even belief systems, dismissing needs and desires that are incongruent with their facade.

Accommodaters may try to keep the alienator secret, first from the spouse, believing he can live the double life, and later, after bomb drop, he may either deny there is someone else to his spouse or not tell his extended family about his marriage troubles—even though he has moved out and may be living with the alienator. Those who do not keep the affair secret may instead try to replace their wife’s role with the alienator. Often an affair down alienator is about partying and irresponsibility, but the Accommodating MLCer may either select an alienator who wants to step into his wife’s role—often a woman who is jealous specifically of his wife, or an immature younger woman who dreams of being his trophy. He may choose a similar type of personality and may try to make her into the image of his wife and thus the two women may share basic physical characteristics, looking like a younger and older version of one another.

Breakdown of the facade may create the midlife crisis. For some this is through self-discovery, such as surfacing repressions, brought on by a traumatic trigger—death of a parent—for others it may come through external discovery which forces them to own up to or face their denial—a rebellious teenager calling him a sell-out. Traumatic triggers such as the death of someone close are simple to look back and find, but some may never determine the trigger that is from an external discovery because it may have been a seemingly obscure moment. The trigger settles deep inside, sprouting seeds of doubt and discontent. Though he dismisses the words, they grow and fester beneath the surface.

Posted in Midlife Crisis & Infidelity | Tagged accommodater, adultery, affair, antihero, depression, infidelity, liminal, marriage, midlife crisis, replay wallow, rigid, stander, stress, stress-coping style, victim, withdraw | 11 Replies

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