In some cases of MLC Bomb Drop is the discovery or disclosure of an affair. But there are many MLC cases where the affair remains hidden or has not yet begun. In such circumstances the spouse has the opportunity to emotionally prepare for infidelity which is recognized as a symptom of something bigger.
How do you chronologically identify Bomb Drop? Bomb Drop is the moment you learn there is a serious problem in your marriage threatening its destruction. I measure Bomb Drop from the time the MLCer verbally or actively seeks to escape you and the marriage–regardless of legal action. It has three basic components.

  1. Confusion of what is wanted.
    1. I don’t know if I want to be married.
    2. I don’t want to be married.
  2. I love you but I’m not in-love with you.
  3. Affair
    1. No affair–yet; he’s probably looking.
    2. No physical affair–but someone is waiting in the wings.
    3. Disclosure of planned affair.
    4. Disclosure or Discovery of affair.
    5. Affair remains secret.

Bomb Drop may or may not include all of these components and they may not be verbal. You may notice through your spouse’s behaviors that he seems uncertain or confused about your marriage. For some it is a distinct conversation with a clear message, if you are not sure if your spouse has dropped the bomb, reading this is probably a clue. What signaled you to begin looking up information on infidelity or midlife crisis? If a friend has encouraged you to read this, perhaps you have not yet had Bomb Drop, but they are telling you something. If your spouse has moved out of your house, he’s dropped it!
Bomb Drop is not the moment you stopped denying that your spouse is confused, unhappy or cheating. Denial may begin before or after Bomb Drop and it may continue well afterwards. Bomb Drop is when your spouse relays the message of his confusion and uncertainty whether through direct verbal communication or other behavioral clues.
Bomb Drop occurs during Replay or initiates Replay. It is a release of the burden of responsibility from the MLCer; now that you know, he no longer has to pretend. A few MLCers may express confusion and give the I love you but I’m not in-love with you speech, but prolong their run for freedom, sometimes delaying Replay, doing this also delays their MLC and keeps them in a state of limbo. Replay cannot progress until the MLCer thinks the marriage is over and acts on that belief–though often with cycling confusion. Replay is an avoidance of issues, but avoidance is the manner in which midlife crisis facilitates facing issues; the MLCer must learn that denying and avoiding fail so that he can face the issues.

Multiple and Mini Bombs

I’m always hearing about 2nd or 3rd Bombs and how much more it hurt when he left again. I believe this is due to the denial of the initial Bomb Drop, exacerbated by the confusion created in the LBS by the MLCer’s cycling and confusion. Once an MLCer leaves or expresses a desire to leave, the odds of him doing it again are high until a significant amount of time has passed that includes counseling–a few years. I was upset when I discovered Sweetheart was still seeing the alienator, but not shocked in the least. I accepted it as a possibility; I did not expect, but I did accept.


Comments

What is Bomb Drop?2 Comments

  1. I think MLCers will use any excuse they can grab to get you to think that the situation is your fault. MLCers leave whether we discuss divorce or not. Whether he feels tied to your marriage or not is his feeling and not something that is within your control. Do what you feel is best because you feel it is best, not because of how he will feel. IF you do not want to discuss divorce, then stick to that. He will try to twist it against you. He may tell you that he hates you even more because of it and that you are ruining any chance of reconciliation–that's what I heard. IT's just an MLCer's attempt to bully you.
    My recent post What is Bomb Drop?

  2. My BD was over two years ago and I am still standing for my marriage even tho he has been living with the OW since Oct 09. Some days I question myself as to why I continue to love him when he clearly is enjoying his other life. OW allows him to drink and smoke and basically do whatever else he likes. He had double bypass heart surgery 8 years ago and last year had his prostrate and bladder removed due to cancer, so I just bet his life is fantastic! She is an uneducated, twice divorced, rather plain manish looking person who clearly loves the drinmking and smoking lifestyle. She has 2 kids, 21 and 13 living with them so it must be heaven. My H told me on our anniversary last year (31) after he sent me flowers that he would never divorce me so I guess my saying that he will wait to I am sick of all this and file myself. THen he is no longer the bad guy.

  3. Thanks RCR…BD was July 2009…he needed space, wanted a "separation" and confessed to an affair…1 year of telling me 5 times that I could return of I was going with him..then Sept 2010…second BD…"i don't want to be married to you anymore". Legal separation should be finished very soon.
    I came back sooner after BD #2…the year before…I think I knew…he really showed no enthusiasm for my returning.
    He has never renaged on his Sept 2010 stance….Without the information on the site and the help of so many wonderful peole there, I would still be lost. Instead, I know he can come back, I know this marriage can work but I also know that it can be a very long time and that ultimately it's up to him.
    I still have trouble accepting that this could happen to us…we had such a great 33 years…I used to think I dreamed it but more and more I can see, it was really good…and somehow that frees me..because I didn't make it up and that is really important to me..regardless of what happens in the future.

  4. In most all the posts, you refer to the MLC as he, I am the Stander here and Im the HE, the MLC is a she! and yes this site is a lot of help to me! She is the "I love you , but im not in love with you" person….

    • In most blog posts I refer to the MLCer as they/them/their to be gender neutral. BUT in the older articles on the main site I did use he more often than she.
      Those have been revised on my manuscript, but I did not go back and revise the online versions of the articles.

      Statistically men and women have MLC at about equal rates. But women seem to seek out support through websites like mine and so it makes it appear that there are more male MLCers than female. Today the ratio at the blog is 1 male to 3.6 females.

  5. Pingback: Midlife Crisis Isn't Forever, Time Yield Expectations - Love AnyWay

  6. Pingback: Midlife Crisis Resources at The Hero's Spouse - Love AnyWay

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