Ask a Question
This was not asked through the Ask a Question page, but rather in the Ask the Mentor thread at the forum and I realized that I don’t think I have given a specific explanation of Paving the Way online—it is in the revised version of my manuscript introducing Section II: Paving the Way and Mirror-Work, so I am going to give that introduction to you here.
This is one of the most important concepts that goes with Standing and so I am working to design a premium training for Standers to focus on Paving the Way and Becoming an Attractive Force, so Subscribers: stay tuned to your emails.
Paving the Way
Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority. As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.
The Paving the Way Toolbox
Paving the Way creates a safe path home for your MLCer and just as with all paving jobs, you will need some tools.
- The Unconditionals: Grace, Agapé and Forgiveness
- The Unconditionals are the stones with which you Pave the Way. They are guidelines for how treat each other—MLCers, alienators and all others. The Unconditionals the primary direct tool for Paving the Way.
- Truth Darts
Yes, MLCers are often upset upon delivery, but Truth Darts enable self-reflection which enables progress.
Validating sends the message that you accept a person’s feelings as being real even if you don’t like them or the resultant actions.
This is especially important for Close Contacters like Clinging Boomerangs who think they want out and then change their mind—over and over. Part of their cycling may be rooted in a fear of abandonment.
- Be Consistent and Flexible
I know, these seem to conflict one another. Be consistent in the Unconditionals, but how you apply the tools may change because what works today may have an opposite result next week. MLCers progress and so you need to adjust your interactions as they progress.
The direct tools were about things you can do in person or interactions with your MLCer; the indirect tools are about working on yourself and by doing that you become an attractive force like a lighthouse for your MLCer.
- Rediscover You: Get a Life
- Choose Joy—embrace the journey
- Redirecting and Reprogramming Thoughts and Beliefs
I guess there is no opportunity to Pave the Way when you are dealing with Monster? Am I right in thinking I should just be polite, as nice as is possible in difficult circumstances and just leave him to do whatever?
The main question is basically a version of how can I Pave the Way when/if…
- My MLCer is a Vanisher and we have no contact?
- I set a No Contact Boundary?
- My MLCer refuses to pay attention/listen to me?
- My MLCer hates me?
- My MLCer doesn’t live at home?
- We don’t communicate?
The questioner is right, but the implication that being polite, nice and leaving him to do whatever are not part of Paving the Way is incorrect, those are what Paving the Way is about.
MLCers disconnect gradually. Use this time to begin laying a foundation for a future return, because midlife crisis gets worse and contact and communication may decrease, along with your opportunities for direct contact and communication to Pave the Way. That does not mean Paving the Way will cease when your MLCer moves out or reduces contact; it means the type of tools you use will change. In the beginning I knew that Chuck would leave within a few weeks—he had an apartment lined up—and I knew that his affair would become physical soon after he moved out. That meant I only had a few weeks to strengthen our foundation by starting to add new paving stones. I continued throughout his midlife crisis, but he gave me more opportunities to Pave the Way directly (in person) because of the initial work I did to Pave the Way in the beginning. Paving the Way is often more about how you treat the situation and your MLCer rather than about what you do specifically. In addition it is also about how you treat yourself which is why boundaries are part of the toolbox; we teach people how to treat us.