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When is it Real?15 Comments

  1. My H dropped the bomb late june 2011.We reconciled from Nov.-Feb 2012. At that point he went to see and old girlfriend whom he had been in contact on facebook in Nyc. When I found out, he said he loved and needed me. I feel I may have overacted by being emotional and telling him to leave. he now lives with his mom but because we have kids he stays overnight 3 nights a week. I limit contact but he calls at least once aday. He bought a motorcycle but does not ride it much, got contacts but does not wear them, bought other toys but does not use them. He does say he wants a divorce but the says if you want to get rid of me just do this or that.. How do I proceed. i have told him that I believe in our marriage and want it to work but other thant that I am working on the self focus you describe. You sit has been so helpful for giving me understanding into my journey.

    • So he says he wants a divorce, but he also said he wanted and needed you? Or was there a typo and did you mean he doesn\’t want a divorce? The context confused me and it could be either way. It sounds as though if he wants a divorce, he is not taking action about it.
      You say you want to work on your marriage, but what sort of actions are you taking to do that? What is he willing to do?
      Is he still seeing this recent alienator, or is that over?
      If he is saying he doesn\’t want a divorce and he\’s not seeing an alienator, is he willing to go t counseling. That doesn\’t mean counseling will work if he\’s early MLC, but it can still help you and if he goes even to just one session with you, you might get some answers–not diredt, but from his mood and behavior.
      It sounds as though he could be a Clinging Boomerang.

      Are you on the forum? I recommend that you start a thread over there and I can then assing you a mentor and with more from your story everyone can offer more insight.

      • no he does not want to work on the marraige. He is telling everyone that it is over. He does not tell anyone about the ow. They knew each other in high school in Ireland. They reconnected on facebook about a year ago. he was doing well in the reconciliation until he saw her in person. The he changed his mind again and does not love me, she is his soulmate. She told him she has never been happy without him. He sounded genuine when he first told me he loved me, needed me but I think when he had time to think he went back in the tunnel.

  2. my mlcer came to visit on wednesday again, a week after our divorce was finalised. He seemed very happy, and whenever he visits, i either get money or gifts. On sunday morning when i spoke to him, he told me he was getting ready to go to church. I was quite sad, that one can commit adultery and go to church as if is okay as he now has his divorce and can live his immoral lifestyle. However i did not say anything as i am not there to judge him but to hope and pray that the blinkers will come off his eyes. My situation seems like more than mlc. Many who know my husband are inclined to think that black magic charms are being used on him, but God is greater than anything.

    • Why do you think it seems like more than MLC?
      The general population does not realize how bad MLC is. It's terrible and I find that many LBSs go through a point where they think there situation must be the worst of them.
      From what you posted your MLCer sounds like a typical Close Contacter to me–Clinging Boomerang possibly given his words to you at the finalization of the divorce.

      • he is visiting again on sunday. Our daughter is the tough one who does not take any nonsense. He is now trying to re establish friendship with her. From not wanting contact with us, he is visiting mutual friends and trying to be the advisor to the family with decisions we have to make, he is cuming to show us his new car on sunday, i am certain that it was bought on her name as he is over extended with thd two bonds we have. He is very calm and friendly. Alienator seems to have gotten sumthing right after 4vrs. But then his home is the local pub and her home a place to sleep.

  3. my mlc stil with alienator, but the caring man is coming to the fore, he wil assist both my son and i financially and he is paying the vet bills, these are things he would not have done 4ys ago, We did not matter then, but since divorce was finalised, he had a change of attitude and we are seeing the caring man again when he comes to visit, he has never in the past two years mentioned a desire to return home. But he is always voicing his fears of being in a shelter when he can no longer work. Its 5yrs and even tho him and alien have lots of fights, he seems very content to be cotrolled even tho he is the bossy type, . He has not progressed an inch. He is happy to see his family and he is happy with his new lifestyle in pubs and female attention. Even tho he claims to be at his
    happiest and it is obvious when he is with us as a family. I feel for this man. But my hands are tied. He is the only person that can help himseld

  4. A little over a year since the speech! Left to live with ow in OCR this year ’13 was gone 6 weeks constant contact with me and grown up kids begged to come home full of remorse tears left ow stayed at our sons a week came home told me yesterday he still loves ow and was happy with her gone again !! Thought he was through tunnel was so convincing for fist ten days left his job and said he had no contact ow ,,, soo confused help where is he at? Any advice pls x he told me he was going to his mums!!!

  5. my mlc has also started going to old friends and family. He is more concerned over his dogs and us and wil offer financial assistance. He spent xmas day with us at our daughters. It is almost 5yrs with ow and we were shocked to see the ow name tatooed on his forearm. This cannot be older than 2mnts bcoz we have seen him 2mnths ago. He is so happy with ow but he spends nights out in local pub chatting to bartenders while ow is sleeping and goes to sleep when ow goes to work. He says they are like a big family at pub, and he is bored there4 he spends so much time at pub as he has nothing to occupy himself with. When the dog was sick and i called him, he told me that he has a different lifestyle and cannot jump whenever i need help. Next day he apologised and said that he was 2ookm away from me and would gladly have helped with dog had he been close. I told him like his lifestyle has changed without us, ours have changed without him. Told him that he could notice on xmas that we did not provide for him beforehand, but we accomodated him and fitted him in with our plans. We will always care and accomodate him, but we have moved on too. Well quite frankly for a 54yr old to walk around with womans name tatooed on your arm, i do not foresee any major changes not after 5yrs. They fight so much yet both r clining 2 the affair. If God does not intervene this wil go on 4ever.

  6. Hi my husband told me he had been having a 5 month affair with his pa. he left me and our 2 kids and moved straight in with her. Then 3 weeks later he came home saying he was sorry etc , he was home 4 days then left again. He has now gone back to live with the other woman and all the kids get is 1 text a night saying he loves and misses then but he never asks them questions. I have filed for divorce as I think he is in debt but he won't tell me. I think this is a mlc as he has walked away from all his friends and family aswell and he hasn't asked for his post or any of his stuff. The ow is the same age as him but has never been married and has no kids. When I last saw him he was dead in the eyes and wouldn't look at me and he is always agitated. Does this sound like a mlc to you?

    • Given what you have, YES it sounds like MLC, but you have not given a lot of information, so I could certainly be wrong.
      I recommend that you read the articles and join the forum–and post your story. Participating in the forum may be the best thing to do for most people because not only will you get a variety of answers, you will also get support from others who truly understand what is happening–or at least know (let's face it, do we really understand MLC?) from experience.

  7. Hi it is almost seven years with ow. Many crushes on others,but still living with her. He is a much nicer person now. More serene almost like he was before meeting her. She apparently cries out to her late mom on fb She misses her, as she is only person who does not judge her. Yet they still together as a couple. When we attended his aunts funeral, he presented to still live at home, when his uncles asked where he is residing now
    He seems so calm and its so nice to see him that way, yet I resent it, as every one thinks that she has brought the changes out in him. We still see very little of him, a phone call now and then. I get a call at month end that he paid the money into the account. Furthermore it looks as if he has settled for that lifestyle. Only God can change him, as he is a very proud man. He will try to make it seem like it work, not to admit that it was a mistake

  8. Kenda I believe that my x has lost his mind. This woman sleeps around all the time and he begs her to come back. His psychologist asked him if he does not feel that she is destroying his life and he said he is totally destroyed. from a successful strong man, he is an insecure person. Psychiatrist said he ticked all five boxes for major depression. When he was home for five months and took meds he did well. She kept contacting to help with this and whatever and then I asked him to leave as he can’t live here and sleep there two three nights a week. They are in huge financial difficulties as she does not work. She also tells her friends that he beats her for partying without him and drives her to other men. I do not know the man in his body and I hate what he has become. eight years and still going on with the roller coaster rider. If ever he is totally away from her I shall be there to help him as for a relationship not ever he was the first and last. I do hope that he uses his meds and gain his sanity

  9. Hi kenda it’s almost ten rocky years with alienator. They moved away as he does not want any contact with her children. He claims that this is working well for them. He seems more sane as he is taking anti depressants. Ten years with alienator and his wayward lifestyle is costing him. He has incurred so much debt, had just taken out a huge loan again to continue his lifestyle. I sit back my days of worrying is over. God has taken me to new levels where I would not have been with him in my life. Sometimes we cling onto something that we want, but later we realise why that person has been removed from our lives. In our brokenness of we allow God to do His work is us, He makes us stronger,better. I have reachel so many milestones which I believe would have been curbed by him as I always let him have the final say. Now I do what I want when I want and I am prospering. God has been amazing to me. I never thought that I could be as happy and prosperous without my husband. My biggest desire is still that God will bring him to his senses and bring him home. He has to see his psychiatrist every so often and when he flies up to see him, he stays over here. We are like a couple. If I cook, he will still peel the veggies, so the dishes tend to the dogs. If my son asks him to go to pub for a drink then he would tell him that he rather spend the evening with his mother. I really have a good husband, but some alien moved into his mind but with God and time, all things are possible. I shall always love my husband and help him where I can even though he has abandoned us for almost ten years

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