Comments

Reconciliation: If You Stand, Will Your MLCer Return?15 Comments

  1. It’s almost eight years. I am putting everything into my business and children. He came home for four months in my sons room. He is a psychological messed up man. The strong man I knew is gone. He cries over her who cheats on him with a guy same age as daughter. The boyfriend has stabbed him. He forgave her and they were constantly on phone and I asked him to leave and go back to her. He told his psychologist that his life is totally destroyed and he does not want to go back to her,yet he did. I am a spectator and it hurts to see him as this weak man who is being manipulated, but it’s his choice and he must live with it. The day if he cuts all ties with her our sons room will be open for him but a relationship between us not a chance. I care for him as a person and will help him where I can as I helped them now again with deposit for a flat in interim till her pension pays out. It has been a long tough Road but God took me through this and I am beginning to see so many blessings in my life. The days of no food or money for bare essentials are over. I am going to be a gran in Feb and looking forward to my first grandchild. It would have been nice if my husband had been here to see our grandchildren grow up and spoil them, but not the dirty old man that he has become. Nope sorry we have values and unless he let God change him, I do not see him fitting into our family. I shall never stop praying for him but I am happy without the man that I love. Sometimes it does get a bit lonely but I will never ever fall for another man. Yes I am complete without a man. In beginning I wanted to die without him. That is history.

    • Wow! If I did not know better I would believe I wrote your story. Guess most stories are alot alike. Feel just as you do. I will never stop praying. It has been eight years for me, too. Cannot ever see us together as man and wife again and will never marry again. The man I loved and knew is totally gone and a weak fragile and emotionally unstable man has taken his place. OW treats him terrible in front of people but he stays. Believe he is too ashamed and prideful to ever admit his error and return to me. But God can do anything.

  2. After four years from BD. I'm believing. If they are going to have an epiphany……? It will have to be brought on by God Himself. Nothing I have done or said or any situation I've been in has left a dent in her cement head. I believe she has a spiritual problem and it is way out of my expertise to fix her.
    If they are mentally ill? If their hormones are screwed up? If they have a chemical imbalance? if they have chemical addictions?
    Every case is slightly different. With amazing similarities.
    It is up to us to decide what their problem is and if it can be fixed. Then? If it can be fixed. Would we want them back anyway?
    It's totally up to us to make a decision.

  3. I am 3 years 4 months post BD and have found this site to be an invaluable friend to support and guide me through this process of standing. I’ve looked deep inside the mirror and dealt with my own issues and developed my strength. Yet another shock 5 weeks ago when my ML decided to move out for a second time – again declaring he doesn’t love me anymore. This past week or so I find that my strength has been waning and I feel panicky and in despair, much as when it first started. And then … a new blog post to read. Imagine my dismay when I read it to find it depressing, pessimistic and leaving me full of despondency. I’m well aware how hard this road is but the overarching theme of the blog post appears to contradict many of the articles on the site. For example, it talks of time, ‘The passage of time does not carry some magical meaning or formula. Your MLCer will not simply come out of their crisis someday and want to come home.’ Yet there is an article explaining that Midlife Crisis takes time, Refrain:MLC takes Time.
    I’m also confused with the statement, ‘those who are the most susceptible to the idea of a guarantee tend to be those who base their Stand on a religious platform,’ when throughout your articles you frequently refer to the power of prayer and to God.
    Again, although there were no guarantees, the statement, ‘ but some of you may not have realized or accepted that the odds are at this time stacked against you,’ feels as though the whole essence of standing is futile and I should throw in the towel now. Nobody is perfect, and I certainly was not and am not, yet our marriage pre BD was great, hence my complete and utter shock. My quest to retain some of that is not just for my aching heart but, more importantly, for our beautiful son, who is reeling yet again. Now I'm left wondering if I'm just deluding myself.

    • Just re-read my own response to this blog article and can see how I was in a dark mood a few days ago. Although I have grown much throughout this, I still do have the occasional sad/depressive moments where I feel overwhelmed again. Reading the blog again today I see it through another perspective. Indeed, throughout the past couple of years I have revisited aspects of this site over and over again and often have a different interpretation or understanding, depending on where I am in this journey. Thank you, Kenda-Ruth, for providing this lighthouse in a storm service.

      • Actually your initial response was not surprising, as I knew this was going to be a controversial post. Thank you even more for re-reading and seeing beyond your initial thoughts…that means a lot.
        The post had a few points. First was to impress upon everyone that not only is reconciliation not guaranteed–which most everyone knows–but that RIGHT NOW in this culture most will not reconcile.
        As for my statement about religious platform Standers…well, I was one of them and my statement comes from seeing them and being a part of such groups. I am not speaking universally, but in those groups I saw a lot more who refused to do the work because God was going to solve the problem for them. My belief is that God gives us the tools and solves problems through us. I also think that he gives us obstacles in our lives to motivate or help us to learn and grow and He will walk with us and guide is in our journey, but we have to accept the opportunity He has given us do blossom and learn on our path. I am in NO WAY saying that ALL religious-platform Standers are this way; I'm just saying I see more like that in this type of group than the general Standing population.

        Beyond my point about the odds I then want people to look at what you can do that might improve them and what might either harm them or have no effect. Doing nothing because Time or God will solve the problem will be more harmful because you are doing nothing. MLC still takes TIME, but sometimes our actions or inactions might (not sure, so might) elongate an MLC. Example: trying to instill guilt in your MLCer and constant pressure and beg-n-pleading.
        My hope is that learning what helps and hinders will motivate LBSs.

        • Kenda-Ruth, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my posts. I understand your perspective on standing 'still' and just relying on the passage of time and God. This journey has enabled me to grow as a person and for that I am grateful; God is walking me through this process and guiding my direction. Although horrendous to live through, I find the psychology underpinning the crisis fascinating and this has enabled my empathy towards my MLC. Your narratives on the journey through the tunnel have been enlightening and I have read several of your recommended books to deepen my understanding.
          I attended a school awards ceremony this week and the guest speaker, a renowned author and screen writer, reiterated over and over his advice to the pupils – 'be kind and do the right thing.' It made me think of this site and the unconditionals! You truly are inspirational, and for my part, I still remain hopeful. 🙂

  4. Their mlc make us cycle too. I am past that stage, nothing affects me any more. Does for a day or so, but I motivate myself that I am in a much better space than he is. I am living for myself and the love of children and true friends. He is playing games, everything is pretence. I sat with him with one session with psychologist. His life is a living hell. He knows he must break free but does not have the back bone to do it. The current drawing him to the pigsty is so strong. if the prodigal son could come to his senses, and there were no anti depressants then, then what can prevent our mlc to come to their senses. If it is not Gods timing yet, we must accept and continue getting stronger and building our own lives. The prodigal lifestyle is temporary. They have joy for a moment and lifetime of regret. They try to make prodigal lifestyle work but it’s futile. Prodigals do come to their senses and come home.

  5. I have spoken to a friend of my husband who says that my mlc has admitted to her how unhappy he is with alienator and her wayward lifestyle, but he loves her. If after eight years being unhappy and in love, will he move forward and out of his mlc tunnel. If the assault on him with slight stab wounds by her boyfriend, then what will it take him to see through this destructive relationship. He admits that his life is ruined,and still stays with her for the sake of love. Only God can rescue him out of this dark pit.

    • My MLCer left just a year and a half ago ( he is barely 3 years into his journey). The bond he has with Alienator seems strong beyond words. I have bèen on the fence all this time, but leaning more on the ‘stand’ side because of the encouragement I used to feel reading posts on this site and forum. This post however has tipped the scale for me. I think I am going to pursue a divorce. I am relatively young ( early 30s) and with all the uncertainty of his return..I feel I will be wasting my time I’d I stand, especially since there are no guarantees. Thank you rollercoaster rider. I really appreciate the sincere post above. Thank you. May God bless u.

    • Yes, only God can get him out and your MLCer can continue to resist. It doesn't mean he wants to stay in, but he does not yet have the strength…whether he will muster that strength or not is up to him.
      What I can tell you is that he can muster it, I just can't tell you whether he will or when.

      • Thanks for your insight. It has really helped so much having you and hb expertise to fall back onto I am so much stronger independent only faith in God His Word that got me this far

  6. RCR…I've been off the forum for about a month due to dealing w/the legalities of my divorce. Reading this blog made me remember why I love this site so much. I cannot even put into words what the support on this forum has been for me. I believe my husband is having a midlife crisis, and wanted to stand, but unfortunately I could no longer do so. I just wanted to thank you for this site. I'm looking forward to catching up on what's been going on with everyone and continuing to work on myself. Thank you!!!!

  7. RCR, my warm and sincere thanks for this post. It was a harsh reality call – but necessary. I am almost three-years BD. Since then, we have been separated. For one year after BD, I did not recognise my spouse for his odd monster behaviour. During the past two years, the worst has passed and he is mostly the man I used to know. I am happy about the time I have given to this: It permitted me to grow and mature. It gave him time to figure out what is going on in his life. And more importantly, it gave us time to heal at least in the sense of being better co-parents to our daughters. However, during the past years we also managed to establish such a confortable way to live that it has not been necessary for neither of us to do anything about our marriage. Basically, he has wanted to be at our home nearly all the time, he only goes to his "cave" for the night. In other words, he has wanted my company all the time but does not move a finger to improve the state of our marriage. Eventually I have started to suffer from this in many ways. I am aware that I have been partly guilty, he has been cake-eating. But I have not had the strenght or wisdom to change anything.
    However, this text was a wake-up call. I realized that the simple fact of "time" does not do us service anymore. There is no golden magic to it, any longer. The time did its service already for what it could. For three years, I had pushed for personal growth and acceptance, but always hoping for reconciliation while daily being accompanied by someone who used to be my husband but did not see the importance of resolving anything. Plus giving our daughters also an example of distant, unloving marriage.
    I understand better now that my best effort just does not bring the best result if the other person is not willing to catch-up. Two days ago we signed the divorce papers, which was my initiative. A day later he managed to tell me that he acknowledges that he has been just escaping instead of assuming his responsability to resolve anything. I am happy that he acknowledges that. However, there is still no sign that he would actually take any action. It hurts like a hell to see that for him it is more important to resist emotional growth than to confront these issues in order to consider the health of his spouse, marriage, and family. In other words, he seems to be choosing being coward over his family, even if he somehow acknowledges the pain related to this.
    It is very, very hard to accept this but I understand that I have to move onwards with my girls, to live up to a better example and life.
    Thank you RCR for bringing all this to my attention. It is not easy at all – to accept that we cannot oblige someone else to grow – but it is necessary…
    Kenai.

  8. My suggestion is to dump these losers. They only care about themselves. Kick their ass to the curb and don't look back. There are plenty other fish in the sea.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge