So you are new to the forum and you want to post your story, but it’s so long and there are so many details that are important. Will anyone want to read through your novel?
No. But not because it’s long. They will wander after a few sentences because your story is practically identical to their story and most of the other people reading the board. People want to read your story, but they don’t need the moment by moment details of the last 2-5 years of your life. They need to know about you as a person. How you feel, where you are stuck, how you have started to heal or why you haven’t. They need to know what is different and a few specific elements that can help us know what type of MLCer you have.

Below I give a list of what is important. Though some of these are technically yes/no questions, it is most helpful if you answer with a brief explanation rather than a yes/no which stops the flow of information.

What is important?

Facts are more important than details because the facts (dates, ages, family structure…) may differ more than the details)

• Numbers & Dates
  • When was Bomb Drop or how long ago?
  • How long have you been married (or living in a marital relationship)
  • When did your MLCer move out—or are they still at home?
    If they are at home, are they planning to move out soon—not just threatening, but it seems clear to you they are about to leave.
  • Your ages, the ages of your children
• Bomb Drop
  How? Did you discover the affair and did the discovery force Bomb Drop? Or did your MLCer initiate. How, when, where…?
• Is there an alienator?
  • What is their age difference?
  • Are they your opposite? You don’t have to go into the specific details—we know them. Just review Affair Down and let us know if it seems like an Affair Down situation and highlight just a few of the details that led you to this conclusion.
    Did the physical affair start before Bomb Drop, or was the alienator waiting in the wings?
  • Are they married, divorced, separated, single…? Kids?
  • How long has the affair been going on?
• Triggers
  What events preceded Bomb Drop (usually 12-36 before) that may have triggered Bomb Drop?
• MLCer Complaints
  What complaints—valid or projection—di your MLCer make about you, your marriage, the situation…?
• Living Arrangements
• Contact Style
  • Has your MLCer moved in and out (or tried to) a few times?
    How many times have the moved in and out and how long between each?
  • Did they drop off the face of the earth?
    How often do you hear from them and how do they contact you?
    Or is all contact initiated by you and how often?
• Why do you think this might be MLC?
  Review some basic MLC behaviors you have noticed.
  • Vanity: weight loss, new clothes
  • New friends, new hobbies/interests
  • Depression
  • Cycling moods, confusion
  • Irritability, Anger, Monstering
• Legal Action
  Many MLCers threaten and do nothing. Let us know if there have been threats or not and whether any legal action has been taken.
• History of addictions or medical/mental disorders?
• Counseling
  • Are you seeing or have you seen a counselor since Bomb Drop?
  • Did you and your MLCer see a counselor together and when?
• Tell Us About You
  • How are you dealing with this?
  • Have you started to work on detaching?
    If yes, explain how and what you have done.
  • What brought you to this forum—over other similar forums?
  • Are you Standing, uncertain, you don’t know what that is…?
  • What have you done that has not worked?
  • What have you done that has worked?
  • What changes have you made?
  • What are your goals?
• Any insights you want to tell us about?
  Has he revealed (knowingly or not) anything significant about his mental state, feelings, fears, motives…?

How long is too long?

Most people’s first post is long and they apologize of it being so long. Since you have not posted before, you need to give more information than you will do when you update, we understand. Hopefully, the list above will help you to keep your post from becoming a novel because you will give the basics rather than details—details will come through later in your updates.

So how long? If your post is 5 single-spaced pages in MS Word (1625 – 2000 words), that’s long. Can you cut to down to 2 pages (650 – 800 words)? I know that sounds like a big edit, but the first post just needs to be the basics so that we get the gist of your situation. Fill in the details as they happen and as part of your responses to people when they post back to you and ask questions.

The most important details are those from the last few months. If this has been going on for 3 years already, I’m sure you have a soap opera of shocking details, but focus on what is going on now in your situation. The history is important only as history—we need just a bit to understand the foundation of the situation, but our focus in helping you needs to be with the present. So if you want to give a blow-by-blow account of something that is important to you, think about whether it is important to you and your story at this time. Your thread is your place to record your story, and from now on you can put those blow-by-blows as they happen and we can get a sense of your situation as it is playing out, so there is no need to stuff your first post with every dramatic exchange from 2 years ago.

Structure

It is difficult to read a post where the information is dumped onto the page without paragraph breaks (carriage returns). Some people will stop reading when they see a huge block of text. So please structure your post into paragraphs.